Sharing because I do not know what to do.

[Korlee]

Hello, I know I do not post much but that is because I'm not comfortable with sharing to much.  It has always come back to bite me as I have said before. I received this email 3 days ago but just read it today as I have been busy.  I have made a great many mistakes in my life and have been very unhappy for quite some time.  I still make many.  I got a new job but it looks to be falling through rather quickly as they lied to me about what I was hired for and are giving me no hours.  It took me months just to find this.  However I had always held onto some thread I suppose that I could change things.  I could make it better.  Time and time again it has always went wrong.  My education, my jobs, with my family.

I tried hard to make things work and still tried.  I really blew at hiding this and she knows.  I told you peeps before and came out to her again which ended poorly.  I tried to nudge it away but she is very nosy and found things again and wearing double shirts and such didn't help.  I have a small room in the basement its not like there are lots of places to hide things.  I don't have an education, it took me months to find this job, I've been stabbed, beaten, had piss poured on me in school.  I've never felt as low as I do right now.  I don't know what to do.  I can stop but... I've waited so long because I knew young really knew.  I've been unhappy for so long and for the first time?  I was kinda happy inside.  I felt like I could do this.  I was never the most mentally stable.  I could just always keep the inner demons at bay, calm myself, move on.  I can't move on again.  Not again.  I just don't know what to do anymore. 

I have no idea if I will even come back to read this.  I have never felt this low.  I could sell my stuff?  All the stuff I have gathered over the years with foolish spending just to look the other way.  but what after that?

To my son ----.

I have debated with myself whether I should write to you or talk to you face to face.  Face to face seems to go in one ear and out the other.
There are some things I need to tell you concerning your decisions about your life because they now affect so many others.
You decision to proceed with a sex change has brought a whole different set of consequences/actions and I am going to tell you those.
You are and always will be my son.  I cannot change that nor will I.  I will always call you ---- and you will always be my son.  God did not make a mistake.
I cannot speak for others in the family but you can just imagine it will be the same with most closest to you.
You have now caused decisions to be made that I and others would not have wanted to make.  Lauren included, I will not try to speak for her and shouldn't but I personally will not refer to you as an aunt to Jamison, ever.  You will be his uncle ---- to us.
Memah will never know, it will break her heart as it has mine.  My heart breaks with all the should haves and shouldn't haves from raising you but I cannot change any of that.
As far as your timeline for a job and moving, as long as you continue with the sex changes, you will be asked to leave regardless of whether you have a place to stay or not. So you need to give me that decision as soon as possible.
I noticed what looked like breasts on you and you are shaving your legs again.  So you have now crossed that line.  If you want the year timeline to play out, you will have to stop now with this until you are on your own completely and out of our home.  The timeline was for you to get your act together with a job or education and attitude, not a sex change.
I cannot even begin to understand why a healthy male born with a penis and an adam's apple can get so screwed up that he cannot deal with who he is.  I'm not going to reason with that insanity because it can't be reasoned with.  You had a tough life but I know kids who were treated much worse than you but I won't get into that.  Seems your decision is made.  So is mine.  I have not talked to Robert about it yet, he does not know, he thinks you are gay but could have dealt with that scenario until you moved out as long as you did not bring partners home.
I don't think these people you call support online have done for you what we have nor will they but you trust them more, so be it.

Because I love you I need you to hear this:   You do need to know that you have now entered an even more dangerous reality.  You will be treated worse than if you were just gay.  Society will reject this premise except in certain areas of the states and you can't always guarantee that.  You will put yourself in danger, extreme danger.
There are people who won't think twice about killing or hurting you because of your choice.  Robert and I won't be there to protect you nor will those online that support you.  You will be ostracized more horribly and violently than before.  It scares me so much for you.  Of course the support group online paint a nicer picture, misery loves company.

I do not believe you deal with reality ----, you just think you do. Internet support is not the same as functioning in the real world, never will be.
Just remember this decision you have made affects a lot of people who love you and you are asking most of us too much.

MOM

[Renate]

I'm really sorry to read that, Korlee.

I don't know how old you are, but in the end, this is all about your life.
The logic of "Get your life together first and then deal with your gender issues" is a bit faulty.
(That being said, there are many of us who should get our lives together, independent of gender issues.)

I think that it's a bit mean to not support you at all and then complain that nobody will support you.

My opinion from afar: You have to do what you have to do. Don't let them emotionally blackmail you.

Good luck.

[K8]

I don't know what to tell you, Korlee, other than to try to find a support group in your area that you can get yourself to.  It is really too bad that your mother has taken this attitude, but I don't know that you can change it.

(My reply to "God doesn't make mistakes" is that "God made me a woman but gave me a male body to test me and make me strong, and now God is opening doors for me to finally be the woman He originally made me."  But He isn't opening doors for you yet.  And usually the speaker of "God doesn't make mistakes" isn't ready to hear it anyway.)

This is a hard thing to do.  It is extremely hard to do on your own, with no support.  I can't offer you any advice other than to see what support you can find.

My heart goes out to you, dear.

- Kate

[Zelane]

She doesnt love you. Just because she ignore what that is.

[GDTripp]

Maybe God doesn't make mistakes, but nature does. You feel you're a girl that was unfortunately born into a male body, so you are FEMALE. Whether anyone accepts that or not, you're still female and you can't choose to be different. (You CAN choose to pretend or fake it, but of course that's not healthy, in many ways. )

It hurts being rejected like that, I haven't experienced rejection like that and I pray I never will, so I can only imagine the pain you're going through.   I hope you can find a better place to live where you won't have piss poured on you (I can't believe people are so sick!), and that you can find a good support group.

Good luck and Goddess bless! is all I can tell you...

[Korlee]

Well I ended up the same night I made this post talking to many of what I'd like to hope were good friends.  I received a variety of advice of from them all.  However only one told me to wait a year to build up a few things before leaving.  The rest of my friends all told me to get out of hear as soon as I could.  One even told me what they said was bad advice in actions of selling a few things that were partly not mine but it would help me to just leave without telling my family.

I have decided to take some of that advice.  I am going to leave and sell some of my stuff on ebay.  I know I lack the education I need in ways for a great job and it will be hard out there.  My money will probably not last as long as I need it to.  However the job I am at currently is of no help as well.  They barely give me the hours to get by under this roof.  I'm also going to take someone to small claims who owes me a good some of money its a good case I will likely win.  I will make the money work to get where I need to get.

I spoke with a very long time friend and he is going to take me in for awhile.  I shall owe him greatly and I can only hope I can pay him back one day.  I only wish I did not feel like a burden to him for asking for this help.  For the first time in my life I feel like a bum.

I can't stay here though.  Today my mind and emotions were everywhere.  I was full of great anger and then I'd turn around and wish to cry again.  I'd think about how I will not see my family again after this christmas and it makes me even sadder my mother forced me into this choice.  I'd also be angry that it came to this.  For the time I no longer have control over these emotions and it bothers me.  I guess for once I have finally reached my limit.  I can't shoulder this alone along with changing everything else.  Maybe at least at my friends I can clear my thoughts better.

[K8]

Korlee, I really hope you can manage all right.  I wish you the best.    

It sounds like you family doesn't have your best interests in their hearts.  It is very hard to break from your family, but sometimes that's necessary.  That will be hard for you, because society expects us to love our families.  But society also expects our families to love us.  Sometimes it doesn't work that way.

I'm glad for you that you have some good friends who will help you.

*hugs* and best wishes,
Kate

[yabby]

I am really sorry for what you are going through. i Only hope it will get better *HUGS*

God did not make a mistake.

so i shouldn't wear contact lenses because God did not make a mistake? 
if i am sick and i need an operation can i also use the same argument?

So all those doctors therapist psychologist ... with PhD  know nothing when they say that GID need to be cured by transition but some close minded religious people know better.

i guess next time i have a diarrhea or headache instead of going to the doctor i'll go to some  religious person to cure me.... Actually wait religious people don't go to other religious people when they are sick.   

You do need to know that you have now entered an even more dangerous reality.  You will be treated worse than if you were just gay.  Society will reject this premise except in certain areas of the states and you can't always guarantee that.  You will put yourself in danger, extreme danger.

There are people who won't think twice about killing or hurting you because of your choice.  Robert and I won't be there to protect you nor will those online that support you.  You will be ostracized more horribly and violently than before.  It scares me so much for you.  Of course the support group online paint a nicer picture, misery loves company.

if GID is not treated you might also harm your self or commit suicide, so what other people might do to you is not an argument. This said moving to a tolerant and accepting place is Extremely important if you want to succeed.

now in the past the Nazi also did not think twice before killing or hurting Jews gypsy or gays. So the mistake of the victims then? 


Some thought and advice i can give:
Maybe you might want first to get a job (or go to college) put some money aside and then move out to transgender friendly city/state.  This does not mean you are stopping transition as you can have laser hair removal during that period.

[K8]

"God doesn't make mistakes."

"Why do you think that being a woman born with a male body is a mistake?"

- Kate

[Korlee]

Yabby,  While I do plan to leave.  I refuse to stop everything even if there are issues from it.  I haven't been even mildly happy inside for a very very long time and I refuse to give it up ever for a second.  I will make it work even if it kills me.

--

However my plan is really to sell my stuff and go.  I have a place I can stay for awhile with a good friend as I noted.  I plan to live with them for abit.  As I piece together a new life.  I will likely not have to sell almost everything but much of it was bought to distract me anyways because I felt down as I also said.

So ya.. selling my stuff and working on what I need to go.  Also working at a Target for the time being.  Bleck, retail but it pays.  So you want some movie posters, video games, systems, speakers, send me a pm.  It is all going on ebay or craig's anyways.  Hard to let some of it go as I really worked for it but I need to get out of here and good time.

[Nicky]

What will you say on your way out, or are you just planning on packing up and going?

Good luck Korlee!

I wish you all the best. To new freedoms and reponsibilities. It will be hard but you sound pretty though to have weathered all that has occured to you so far. It is great that you have some good friends to help you out. Don't forget to nurture them so they can nurture you in turn.

Make sure you get on a benefit too if you can to help support yourself untill you get a good solid job. There might be special allowances for you (there are in my country for young people estranged from parents).

I think it would be worth telling your side of the story to the rest of your family and how you were given an ultimatum. This is so that they won't just get your mums one-sided view. You never know, you just might find support there. It will help keep some possible doors open for family meets.

Nicki

[Korlee]

I do not plan to tell her a thing.  I am going to keep taking the hormones and selling my stuff.  Once I get the things I need to live with the friend that offered the aid?  Ya, I am leaving that day.  I will tell her to her face what I think about her, what I think she did wrong, that I do not want to see her again, and then go.  I will not stick around to listen to any of her debates and such though.  A piece of my mind and then I leave.

I have weathered alot in my short life.  I cannot say rather well but I am still here.  I am grateful now for true friends.  I've never had any till now.  One gives me great natural fem advice, the other is a friend and well... he is a dom leave it at that, another is a great friend to talk to that I share values and helped him choose a career while he is in college.  Those three are the best and I have a few others that are great support.  Funny how I met them all online over the years.  Ha!  Who says you can't make great lasting friends online is an idiot.

I doubt I will be able to do that Nicky.  I am to old for help but not old enough to garner any respect from the so called adult world.  I am just here with my mother due to a long less then my way life.  Heck, at 18 she married and just moved me right out of high school to a state I could get no aid in and Oklahoma is an ass to get out of state aid for.  That is another story though.

Um.. well?  I told my sister and she understands why I am leaving.  However she does not support me really as she has her own problems.   

Um.. mothers side?  Just as religious as her, most of them very old, or young as in 5 years old or younger.  Never really got along with most of them you could say.  We did stuff together but they never knew me?  Um.. because so many things offended them in movies, games, yada yada.  We played bored games together and never spoke about my life.  So... ya.  Pretty sure they'd take it poorly regardless from religion and the fact they barely know me....

To be honest with my family and the things that have happened in life.  I am very surprised I am not a loon.  Instead I'm slightly a loon.  A kid at heart with an adult mind.

[jesse]

how old r u?
Post Merge: November 19, 2009, 07:39:59 AM
regardless of your age you can do this i left home at 17 and joined the military because my parents were living in drug infested hotels along colfax ave in colorado i was sexully assaulted at 14 by a thirty yr old i allowed to pick me up at 11:00 at night standing on a street courner because i was cold i now work in law enforcement even without the military i would have survived and you will too you do not need people like her in your life her unconditional love is so wrapped in conditions its smothering your spirit and your soul take one day at a time and survive little sister we are here for you
jessica

[Korlee]

I think I phrased that one part wrong... I was 18 when she remarried.  So ya, I'm young but not that young.  Aid is not going to happen. I need to make it work on my own.

[Korlee]

I prefer to just keep my life in one spot and not create any new threads.  New threads just make me feel like an attention whore anyways.

I had a funny experience the other day.  A lover got me to be with him and try a few things out.  Not a long term thing just some adult fun.  Anyways, I actually got decked out and did a few things with him and it was a wonderful night in more way then one.  However I think this had another positive effect.  I walked away with stuff they bought me.  Everything from panties, stockings, some makeup, and a wonderful love making session.

After walking away from that I think it helped to make a few things click inside.  A night the way I wanted instead of just trying to feel normal and doing it for that.  Well I still am terrified of going out and being noticed.  However I have learned I can pass.  I really guess I was so busy looking for the flaws that I never noticed what I had such as the high cheek bones.  I took some pictures and shared them with good friends that I trusted online and a couple neutrals that have never failed to give me brutally honest opinions.  The vote was that if I learned more as I should have been all along?  By looks I can pass.  Mannerisms are in the works but fit tomboy.  Voice is iffy.  Over the phone it always gets a ma'am.  In person?  Debatable as I seem to get it but not be able to keep holding it yet.  So ya, nifty news for me.  Oh!  Also thanks to you guys advice tucking is now quite easy!

I even had the fun of someone making a mistake from behind and being unsure when I turned at the pet store the other day.  However I blew it with the voice because I wanted to break out laughing because I didn't expect it not even trying at all.  I really need to put more work into it.

That is the positive.  The negative?  No job, mother still hates me, brother now hates me, sister is barely talking, step dad has raised eyebrows, still have no doctor, still not many clothes, steps towards passport and moving in with that friend is still stalled.  Likely to be kicked out soon.  I feel like punching through the wall abit.  Tax returns were high at least for me so it will help stall hopefully a job will come soon.

But ya.  If only I had the damn job to keep it rolling! Bleh!

You know I forgot some other good news!  I have natural curls!  I never let my hair grow out till now.  So I did not know cept for my mother saying I have curls when very little.  Well they are still there and I lovem.

Well toodles for a few months again I suppose.

[spacial]

Korlee

If you get a chance you read this may I say that, so many others have succeeded from where you are, my self included.

I really know it doesn't mean a lot when you're on a low ebb. There, it just seems hopeless. But never, ever give up.

Climbing down, giving in, it doesn't work. Beleive me. Many of us have tried that and all it does is make others feel powerful. they never let go.

Your previous posts were made before I joined Susan's. I've read through them all.

As for passing, that is about self confidence. You are a decent, intelegent young woman. Someone calls you sir, either let it go, or a small smile and a gentle 'It's Miss', then another small smile.

If I may offer one suggestion, all cash for survival.

Take care. Really hope we hear from you soon.