I hate my mother... and I want revenge...

[bigbreastlover4269]

...because she wanted a son. She got what she wanted and then has a problem with me being transgender.

How it all began...

She first found out that I wanted to be a girl back in December 2004. I wrote a sexual fictional story and in the story I was a female. I had my ideal body and the way my life was then is just how it went in the story, except I was a female. I didn't get to finish the whole thing as I didn't have a computer back then and I would write a portion of it each night, so I only finished half the story. So anyway, she found the papers, the sexual pictures I've drawn. She has tormented me with them... she knew I was embarassed when I found out she found it. She has read the papers and the stories allowed to me, KNOWING that I was embarassed about it. I even stated several times that I was embarassed about it and said that she knew so I can stop saying it.

I think it was before that actually. In November, I can't really say how, but let's just say she caught me wearing her bra, pretending I have boobs. My mother would often tell me, "All done in the dark God will come out in the light," and this would anger me to an endless degree because I always felt God was working against me. But that is until now... I finally realized that we are the creators of our reality.

My mom won't let me be modest of my chest

I've already opened up a thread about this but that wasn't the first time we've had that conflict. My mother, God be my witness, is so inconsiderate to me. She doesn't care if I'm transgender. She's such a gender Nazi and because she sees only what she wants to see, I'm forbidden to be modest of my chest. If I don't want to remove my shirt she doesn't understand that that's my right and it's always a problem, saying "Oh! You're a boy and you think you're a girl!" I know for certainty that if she was in my position that she would want to be modest about her chest.

She deserves a slap across the face for all that. I know as her child, I shouldn't hit my mother, but don't you people think she deserves it? I think so if no one else agrees. I don't care if I'm in my own house, she won't take her shirt off in front of me so why would she want me to take mine off in front of her? She has stated that in front of my female cousin that they would be free to change in their proximities because they're women. But she knows I want to be a woman and won't treat me like one anyway! GRRRRR! I will make her pay for this!

She acusses me of self-hatred

First off, transgender doesn't nessasarily mean the person hates themself, and I am a perfect example. I mean, I can look into the mirror and like what I look at. When I tell her that I do love myself despite being transgender she says that I'm not making any sence. Secondly, the point I'm trying to get across here is that you can LIKE somebody and still not want to be them. She would always torment me and mock me... saying "You are a MAN!" Me... being a man... doing MAN things... NEVER! She would always tell me to do this that and the other thing because it's a part of being a man!

Isn't being a man more than just looks anyway?

She always wanted me to do male things

I don't wanna do anything like a man. I don't wanna watch ANY movies that relate to manhood or read any books that cater to such a topic. I can't raise the pitch in my voice or "it sound creepy." I can't be modest about my chest. One time when she was trimming my hair, I had my nail polished (I had my own nail polish) and she made a big deal of that and had the polish removed from my fingernails, AND she threw my nail polish away! By the way, the polish that I had, it was of a clear transparent color, so it was only barely noticable if you looked closely at my nails. I can't say what I just want to do to my mother. If I did, most of you would think I'm psychotic and I would be banned.

She would always torment me wth the statement that "You are a MAN!"

The "rank"

This would go under the "How it began" section of this post but after reading the note i wrote, she tried to explain to me the whole Adam and Eve theory. I don't care if God made men first and made Adam first and put Eve and the other women here to help the men. Women don't really care about the whole Adam and Eve thing and if they did, they would want to be men so why should I give a crap?

I could careless if women are at a lower rank then men, if it means being demoted. DEMOTE ME, please! I don't care. I want to be a woman!

I don't even have to hope because Karma's Law is on my side but I've been hoping that in her next life she come out born a M2F transgender just so she can live through all the Hell that I went through here. I stress again, my life as as a Male2Female transgender was flatout hell, even more so how my mother treated me.

Right now, I've been using her tampons. I would only take a few each month to pretend I'm menstruating, since that cycle is a part of womanhood. I've always wondered her reaction if she finds out but I don't think that'll be happening. I mean, there's like a box full of 'em, so how is she going to notice it's a few of them missing? But in any case, if I do get busted, I'll be ready to put up a good fight... and WIN!

Thank you all who took the time out to read this long post!

[clhere]

I will make her pay for this!

Ok, I can relate to you somewhat but all that hate is not going to help you and taking it out on your mother is a REAL bad idea, she will think you are even crazier and might even try to have you committed.

Your just going to have to save some money and go about your transition without your mother, just ignore her completely and if she does come around thats cool but if not then forget about her. Whatever you do don't go hitting her!

[Robyn]

Have you gone through all of this with your gender counselor? Seems to me that this anger problem needs to be resolved before you receive your authorization letters.

Look for our lists of gender counselors in the Links Area under Health.

Robyn

[wannalivethetruth]

being transgenderd is all about finding yourself, and working around the people that dont get us 

[MasterAsh]

How possible and how soon do you believe you could move out of your mother's house?

[Dryad]

Ehm.. I understand what you're going through. No; really; I do! I've always been pressured at being a 'man,' myself, only.. Slightly different. (Slightly different values. A transformer action figure was the closest thing I had to a doll, but I got very lucky when I managed to ask for the girl transformer doll, and got it. ^_^ That was the best birthday éver! (Usually I got socks, underwear, clothes and other.. Purely functional stuff.))

Anyway; I love window-shopping, as well. And every now and then, I go out to a town with my mother. And each time, she'll say things like: Yes; but that's woman's clothing/jewelry/shoes/handbags/stuff!'

She wanted two boys. I was the second child, and my brother is a.. Well; obviously, a he. But he has his own issues, and is below expectations. We all love him, but my mother thinks poorly of him, nonetheless, and has always coerced me to be the man he never would be.

There's a few things involved, here:
-First of all: Parents have a tendency to believe that, with a transition, they'll lose their child completely. Of course that's not true! You'll still be the same you, only in a way that suits you more! But.. They often don't feel that way.
-The second thing is: You're in a lot of emotional pain. And who's to blame? Your parents might feel they didn't 'breed you right,' even though there's precious little they could have done about that, or they could feel they didn't raise you right, and that if they would have, you would be sure of yourself, as a man, and never have these painful feelings. (Showing off your torso might give you self-esteem.. Well; no; it doesn't, but she might hope it would.)
-Then there's the third thing: Gawd. Gawd made the universe, and Gawd is infallible. Well; if you actually did study the Bible, 'Gawd' isn't, but that's another story. What a lot of people believe is: Gawd doesn't make mistakes. If you say you should have been a woman, and you're not, then you're saying 'Gawd' screwed up, somewhere along the way. And that's blasphemy.
I mean; by your statements on religion, I guess you're from the U.S... Not a good place, when it comes to religion.

So.. There's a few things she can do to handle it:
-Accept it. Simple as that, but very tough on a lot of people.
-Accept it, and make excuses.
-Say it ain't true, and blame you.
-Say it ain't true, and blame herself.
-Say it ain't true, and blame her deity.
-Say it ain't true, and just give you a hard time, until you stop acting like teenage girl.

The last option is the easiest, I'm afraid, but it won't work, in the end.

So what you can do is: Be understanding. This doesn't just hit you; your whole family is involved.
Be patient. I know she's being unreasonable, but this is something that is, to a lot of people, my brother included, both satanically evil, and more alien than E.T.
Be kind. Kindness solves a lot of problems.
Be openly sad. Sadness leaves a different imprint than aggression/rebellion.
Be talkative. Even if she doesn't want to hear it. Talk, but never shout. If she starts yelling, then calmly withdraw, and try again later on.
Be assertive. Find a psychologist/sexuologist. Speak to them, ask them questions, and let them help you.. But you'll have to take initiative, and find them, first. (Worst case scenario: Plead with your mother that you need this, and that she knows you do need this, because if would help you get past your 'sexual insecurities.')

Now; I don't know what kind of church/synagoge/mosque/temple/storehouse your mother attends, but it might help if you seek out one of the spiritual leaders, as well. Talk to them about your issues. See what they think about it. (If this is an extremist church: Stay away. Since it's possibly the U.S: Staying away is probably the best option for most churches.)

As for life being hell: Look around you! I don't know what you endured, but that statement made a war-zone look like a tupperware party. And that's not really fair.
I don't believe hell exists, as such, but I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people who would trade with you, instantly, if you'd propose.

[JodieBlonde]

I certainly should be one to also complain and if my mother wasn't dead - to wish that she dies a horrible, painful cessation of life-force too. If you read my introduction, you'll understand from where I come with this.

The following I state is my humble opinion.

Hate is a very consumptive disease and it will eat you just like a cancer or acid. If you don't let it go and just get on with life and stop seeking scapegoats for your problems, then you'll be a very shallow person indeed.

I see that you also dissed "Gawd". What you fail to comprehend is that we are so far from human perfection (yes, I believe in creation) that by this time all of us are far from original design by Satan's intervention - and this is not God's doing as there's been a legal case presented involving universal supremacy and God has been sued (if you will) for His right to rule.

That declaration I firmly believe and any who profess to be "Christians" also know those same facts, even if they refuse to accept and recognize the situation. I also suppose that anyone can blame something that they deem out of their personal control or that might mitigated their misery to an obscure deity or chanced chromosonal botch-up.

I digressed however - and I surely think you'd better serve yourself if you dropped the maternal hate and just went about being the person you need to be. 

BTW: Using that term: "Gawd" is rife with all sorts of psychological baggage too. You obviously know that you are trying to minimize any lightning bolts up your tailpipe by making a reference to something other than a correct title. It's no matter as if even I can see through it, you have indeed already poked the bear.

[K8]

Just as hate will eat you up, blame will too.  Blame does no good.  It is a way of avoiding what you need to do for yourself.  You cannot control how others think and have little control of their actions.  You only have control of your own thoughts and actions.

Blaming your mother for being who she is does not help you.  Blaming God for who you are does not help you.  It tries to shove the responsibility for your actions onto someone (or something) else.

Revenge will also eat you up.  It may be satisfying in the short term but does nothing in the long term and will make you into something you do not want to be.

Please, dear, see a gender therapist.  If you can't get to a gender therapist, see a regular therapist.  The only problem you can solve is the problem that is within you.  Once you do, the problem that is your mother or the problem that is God will be less important to you.

- Kate

[Dryad]

Ehm... The one bringing up te term 'Gawd' was me, just to make a distinction between 'Gawd' and 'God.'
While I'm not christian, or religious in any way, 'Gawd' pisses me off, while I think God is a beautiful symbol for love.

[JodieBlonde]

Ehm... The one bringing up te term 'Gawd' was me, just to make a distinction between 'Gawd' and 'God.'
While I'm not christian, or religious in any way, 'Gawd' pisses me off, while I think God is a beautiful symbol for love.

Sorry - I get confused sometimes - but I'm not now, or maybe I am.

[bigbreastlover4269]

Your just going to have to save some money and go about your transition without your mother, just ignore her completely and if she does come around thats cool but if not then forget about her. Whatever you do don't go hitting her!

I can't transition and woouldn't, even if I possed the money. My mother is a bad one. Trust me.

Have you gone through all of this with your gender counselor? Seems to me that this anger problem needs to be resolved before you receive your authorization letters.

I wish I did but I don't have a gender counselor... yet.

being transgenderd is all about finding yourself

How? Here's how I see it... in MHO;

The person is born a m2f/f2m. All their life, the save every little shiny penny they can get their hands on and afford to save. Then when they recieve enough money, they undergo the Gender Confirmation Transition Surgery and then they live on their highway to happiness.

But there's a series disadvantages, or most may fail to care. For m2f transexuals, they won't be able to menstruate like biological women. They won't get pregnant still, and it still won't change that the person was born male originally.

I mean, by law they're women now but there are STILL a number of things physically missing that biological females originally born females (I hate and refuse to use the term "real women") already have, which is why I will not undergo a transition.

How possible and how soon do you believe you could move out of your mother's house?

Soon. But I just wanted revenge and get back at her for not being such a mother to me.

snippage...

Yes, I read you whole reply. But your post was just too long to find any one thing or part to quote being that it all was basically saying the overall jist that i got. I believe that we are the creators of our own reality, and I created this hell that I'm going through. I certantly don't know how i can get out but I'm definately not going to transition.

Hate is a very consumptive disease and it will eat you just like a cancer or acid. If you don't let it go and just get on with life and stop seeking scapegoats for your problems, then you'll be a very shallow person indeed.

I failed to be able to disagree with that Jodie. But doesn't it feel so right to get back at someone who done you wrong? Then what does that make the retailator? Just someone who likes to get back at people, right?

Please, dear, see a gender therapist.  If you can't get to a gender therapist, see a regular therapist.  The only problem you can solve is the problem that is within you.  Once you do, the problem that is your mother or the problem that is God will be less important to you.

*sighs* If only i knew how...

To everyone reading this;
About the whole getting back thing, like I said, Revenge is sweet, as they all say. My mother is a selfish rotten jerk who only sees herself in everything and won't let me be a girl because SHE wanted a son. She often brags how proud she is to have a son, and she won't let me be feminine. When I was younger she would want to spank me if I took on feminine mannerisms. Well... she's a little lenient with me now. Plus, if she dares beat me she is FINISHED!

Look people, I'm not promoting kids hitting or being defiant to their parents in case people think that's the message I'm trying to get across. I may be insane or something. But this is just me putting my foot down, and if she wants to try and forbid me of my feminicity rights, I'll be putting my foot... up her @$$!

Also, I like K8's post signature... because like all transgenders. I don't know who I have to fight, maybe God, or what I have to do but I will fight TOOTH and NAIL and I will fight like hell to stand and live inside the body like the woman in my avatar.

[K8]

BigLover,
I agree that your mother is not good for you because she doesn't accept you.  Many mothers aren't that wonderful at being mothers.

I don't understand this whole thing about not being able to menstruate or get pregnant.  Many cis-women can't get pregnant, and some don't menstruate (athletes, particularly).  We have to play the hand we are dealt.  Thinking others have it easier doesn't help you.

I don't know if you can get counseling, but I think it would help you to work these things out talking to someone who is trained to listen to you.  Explaining things to others often helps get your thoughts in order.

The first fight is to be yourself.  Don't be one thing because of the actions of another (like your mother), but just be the person you need to be.  Usually we need help doing that.

Good luck, honey.  And don't do anything to your mother that will get your ass thrown in jail.  Trans people don't fare well in there.

- Kate

[YellowDaisy]

...because she wanted a son. She got what she wanted and then has a problem with me being transgender.

How it all began...

She first found out that I wanted to be a girl back in December 2004. I wrote a sexual fictional story and in the story I was a female. I had my ideal body and the way my life was then is just how it went in the story, except I was a female. I didn't get to finish the whole thing as I didn't have a computer back then and I would write a portion of it each night, so I only finished half the story. So anyway, she found the papers, the sexual pictures I've drawn. She has tormented me with them... she knew I was embarassed when I found out she found it. She has read the papers and the stories allowed to me, KNOWING that I was embarassed about it. I even stated several times that I was embarassed about it and said that she knew so I can stop saying it.

I think it was before that actually. In November, I can't really say how, but let's just say she caught me wearing her bra, pretending I have boobs. My mother would often tell me, "All done in the dark God will come out in the light," and this would anger me to an endless degree because I always felt God was working against me. But that is until now... I finally realized that we are the creators of our reality.

My mom won't let me be modest of my chest

I've already opened up a thread about this but that wasn't the first time we've had that conflict. My mother, God be my witness, is so inconsiderate to me. She doesn't care if I'm transgender. She's such a gender Nazi and because she sees only what she wants to see, I'm forbidden to be modest of my chest. If I don't want to remove my shirt she doesn't understand that that's my right and it's always a problem, saying "Oh! You're a boy and you think you're a girl!" I know for certainty that if she was in my position that she would want to be modest about her chest.

She deserves a slap across the face for all that. I know as her child, I shouldn't hit my mother, but don't you people think she deserves it? I think so if no one else agrees. I don't care if I'm in my own house, she won't take her shirt off in front of me so why would she want me to take mine off in front of her? She has stated that in front of my female cousin that they would be free to change in their proximities because they're women. But she knows I want to be a woman and won't treat me like one anyway! GRRRRR! I will make her pay for this!

She acusses me of self-hatred

First off, transgender doesn't nessasarily mean the person hates themself, and I am a perfect example. I mean, I can look into the mirror and like what I look at. When I tell her that I do love myself despite being transgender she says that I'm not making any sence. Secondly, the point I'm trying to get across here is that you can LIKE somebody and still not want to be them. She would always torment me and mock me... saying "You are a MAN!" Me... being a man... doing MAN things... NEVER! She would always tell me to do this that and the other thing because it's a part of being a man!

Isn't being a man more than just looks anyway?

She always wanted me to do male things

I don't wanna do anything like a man. I don't wanna watch ANY movies that relate to manhood or read any books that cater to such a topic. I can't raise the pitch in my voice or "it sound creepy." I can't be modest about my chest. One time when she was trimming my hair, I had my nail polished (I had my own nail polish) and she made a big deal of that and had the polish removed from my fingernails, AND she threw my nail polish away! By the way, the polish that I had, it was of a clear transparent color, so it was only barely noticable if you looked closely at my nails. I can't say what I just want to do to my mother. If I did, most of you would think I'm psychotic and I would be banned.

She would always torment me wth the statement that "You are a MAN!"

The "rank"

This would go under the "How it began" section of this post but after reading the note i wrote, she tried to explain to me the whole Adam and Eve theory. I don't care if God made men first and made Adam first and put Eve and the other women here to help the men. Women don't really care about the whole Adam and Eve thing and if they did, they would want to be men so why should I give a crap?

I could careless if women are at a lower rank then men, if it means being demoted. DEMOTE ME, please! I don't care. I want to be a woman!

I don't even have to hope because Karma's Law is on my side but I've been hoping that in her next life she come out born a M2F transgender just so she can live through all the Hell that I went through here. I stress again, my life as as a Male2Female transgender was flatout hell, even more so how my mother treated me.

Right now, I've been using her tampons. I would only take a few each month to pretend I'm menstruating, since that cycle is a part of womanhood. I've always wondered her reaction if she finds out but I don't think that'll be happening. I mean, there's like a box full of 'em, so how is she going to notice it's a few of them missing? But in any case, if I do get busted, I'll be ready to put up a good fight... and WIN!

Thank you all who took the time out to read this long post!

i know exactly how you feel. i can really relate to you. my mom isn't hard on me like yours, but i know exactly how you feel, because my mom disgusts me with how she manipulates my situation, and chooses not to let me progress. i'm guessing your about my age, and it's nice to hear someone else i can relate to for a change.

[JodieBlonde]

Gads! This is so-o-o- rife with hate and Jungian concepts, not to mention a lot of Freud thrown in for good measure! Let's just leave the psycho-babble out of the equation for the nonce and try to understand what this will do to you ultimately, not to mention right now.

I failed to be able to disagree with that Jodie. But doesn't it feel so right to get back at someone who done you wrong?
(I'VE BEEN 'DONE WRONG' BY MANY AND AS OF YET I HAVEN'T SHED BLOOD OVER IT - THEIRS OR MINE. I IMAGINE ANYONE CAN HAVE AN 'OFF-DAY' FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT THIS SEEMS SO 100% CONSUMPTIVE THAT YOU JUST REEK OF FEELING SET UPON BY YOUR MOM TODAY, AND PERHAPS A SCHOOL BUS OF KIDS WHO MIGHT OUT YOU THE NEXT. GET A GRIP! THIS CAN ONLY ESCALATE AFTER YOUR MOM IS DEAD, NATURALLY OR OTHERWISE)

Then what does that make the retailator? Just someone who likes to get back at people, right?
NO - IT MAKES THE retaliator (sic) SOMEONE LIKE ANY SERIAL KILLER OR MUSLIM TERRORIST. THEY BELIEVE THAT KILLING OR HARMING SOMEONE FOR A JUST CAUSE IS OK, EVEN IF THE JUST CAUSE IS ONLY IN THEIR HEADS.

To everyone reading this; About the whole getting back thing, like I said, Revenge is sweet, as they all say......
(WHO IS "THEY" AND ARE YOU SURE IT'S "ALL" OF THEM?)

{cont} My mother is a selfish rotten jerk who only sees herself in everything and won't let me be a girl because SHE wanted a son......
(MOTIVATION IS A BIG FACTOR HERE, AND YOURS IS NOT ANY WORSE OR BETTER THEN HERS. MY MOM WANTED A DAUGHTER AND TRIED TO FORCE IT ONTO ME - BUT EVEN AFTER HER DEATH I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I NEVER WISHED HER ILL-WILL OR DEATH OR DISFIGUREMENT)

(cont)..... She often brags how proud she is to have a son,
(THIS MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN HANDLE THIS BIG DISAPPOINTMENT IN HER LIFE - NOT THAT IT SHOULD BE DETRIMENTAL TO YOURS, BUT THINGS LIKE THESE FAMILY DYNAMICS GO ON ALL THE TIME)

(cont)...and she won't let me be feminine......
(TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE, CONSIDERING THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND POSSIBLY HER PERSONAL UP-BRINGING)

(cont)....When I was younger she would want to spank me if I took on feminine mannerisms.
(THIS IS JUST A WAY FOR HER TO TRY TO "SHOCK" YOU INTO THE ONLY REALITY AND LIFESTYLE THAT SHE HAS EVER KNOWN - AGAIN, NOT NECESSARILY YOURS. FOR INSTANCE, IF YOUR CHILD INSISTED ON DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU CONSIDERED INAPPROPRIATE AND HARMFUL TO THEM, WOULD YOU NOT ALSO REACT (ALBEIT, INCORRECTLY HERE) IN PRETTY MUCH THE SAME MANNER?)

(cont)....Well... she's a little lenient with me now.
(SEE? THERE'S SOME IMPROVEMENT AND EVEN YOU NOTICED IT)

(cont)....Plus, if she dares beat me she is FINISHED!
(DON'T GO THERE!)

(cont)....Look people, I'm not promoting kids hitting or being defiant to their parents in case people think that's the message I'm trying to get across. I may be insane or something. But this is just me putting my foot down, and if she wants to try and forbid me of my feminicity rights, I'll be putting my foot... up her @$$!
(AGAIN, WITH THE THREATS ---- AND THIS JUST SEEMS TO CONSUME YOUR ATTITUDE - IT SURELY MAKES YOU A BITTER AND POSSIBLY HORRIBLE PERSON TO BE AROUND. FESTERING HATE AND THOUGHTS OF KILLING, MAIMING OR HARMING ANOTHER HUMAN IS JUST SO-O-O-O WRONG.


It appears to me that you have chosen the wrong hill on which to die. Life itself challenges those of us who are in this wringer of sexual re-management, The passing days alone have enough problems, and I don't think carrying a lot of hostility and hate for someone who has only their own background and set of circumstances to call into play and her trying to keep you from causing great harm to yourself is a very noble thing indeed.

However - having said that - If this means so much to you (killing, harming and generally threatening the existence of another person), then you maybe should consider getting a padded room next to Charles Manson.

I'll be watching for the (biased) headlines:

Sex Change Freak Kills Mom In Bizarre Masochistic/Ritualistic
Beheading and Then Suicide". News At Ten.

[Shazny2010]

My dad tells me all the time that I should act like a man and that someday I will find a woman that will love me but the truth is I don't want a woman I want a man and to act like a woman because I am a female. The shirt issue I also have with my parents lol I remember them making me take my shirt off because only girls or guys with man boobs can do that. I was neither but I envied my sisters for being born what I wanted to be the most.