I could use some advice...

[AndrewMarten]

I am trying to prepare myself for an important discussion with my parents...

I came out to them as transgender a year and a half ago. I don't really know their attitudes on the subject right now, because we don't talk much, and I've been away at college for three months.

But I plan to get my name legally changed in the near future, and this is the first step I've taken towards transitioning, other than binding and dressing in men's clothing.

I'm worried because I think it's one thing to come out, and another to start making changes. I'm not quite sure how my father will react, because his view the last time we talked about my being transgender was basically that he thinks it's some kind of phase. He tends to cry whenever the subject is brought up, and takes me on these great guilt-trips about how I cut off all my beautiful curly hair, and how he was so proud to have a baby girl, and this and that crap. I'm in such a good place right now with regard to feeling secure in my decision that I don't want his qualms and his mourning for the loss of some daughter he never had to get in my way. I also don't want to make him angry. (I tend to get frustrated and say some rather impertinant things, and my father is a real stickler for respecting one's parents - but it's hard for me to respect him, when for my first 19 years he didn't have the time of day for me, but when I came out as trans he suddenly wanted to start acting like daddy - giving me hugs and whatnot - as if he could make it go away if he treated me like his "little princess" - which he still hasn't stopped calling me - which is another reason I'm worried about this conversation.)

*whew* sorry... bit of a rant there...

So, anyone have any advice for me on how to approach this situation? Anything at all would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers

[Arch]

Oh, man. No advice. Sending you good vibes, and I hope someone else has some ideas. Little princess, indeed.

Well, one question. Could it be that your father has suddenly realized what he's been missing by not being more actively involved in your life? My father had one of those moments, and he didn't even know I was trans.

[Radar]

I've read that parents and family will mourn over the loss of their "daughter"- because that's what it feels to them. The "death" of one person and the evolution of another.

Now, we've known we were male most of our life- or for a long time. So, to us we're not "dying" but becoming our true selves. Family is used to seeing and identifying us as female so they're not used to it. As with all grieving give it time. Some people never come around and accept or support it, but that's their choice... not yours. Unfortunately.

[Nicky]

Definitly be aware of and acknowledge the fact that they may grieve for their 'daughter'. I think it is something to make peace with.

Nobody really wins as such in these situation and it might be good to talk about that with them. - for example, you might say the very things they will be missing are also some of the things that cause you the most pain, and how it can make you feel really guilty that it hurts them. They can choose to keep saying such things but it will only push you away.

I think the whole him not being there when you were growing up is completely a different issue and maybe you could lay that aside - except one approach could be that you let him know that in sharing what you need (which is not up for negotiation) you hope to foster a better relationship with him (assuming you do want that). This is a good place to start - why you are telling them.

It is worth talking about what you were like growing up that indicated your transness, if any. For me my connection with mum was that I was always in the kitchen with the women in a family where men did not use the kitchen. It helps to demonstrate that it is a long term thing and allows them to connect with your male self.

So I guess good points to cover are:
What you are,
It is persistant and long term
How you have suffered - what dyphoria is for you
What would happen if you did nothing
you are not about to become some butch dyke (might be what their imaginations conjure up)
Perhaps some of the theory how it is not something you learn i.e. It is not your parents
fault (men can relate to the science side better I think)
Has nothing to do with your sexuality
What you want - their support, better relationships etc...
Importantly that your 'choice' is not open for discussion in that you have made your decisions.
They can ask any questions they like.
You may be unused to talking about it outloud and might not always have the right words.

Hope this helps!

Oh, and practise out loud!

[AndrewMarten]

Many thanks to everyone who has provided their iput.

I've definately got some things to think about to prepare. I suppose it's not as big of a deal as it seems... It's just so difficult to deal with the fact that there is GOING TO BE collateral dammage, no matter what I do. :sigh:

[Arch]

Many thanks to everyone who has provided their iput.

I've definately got some things to think about to prepare. I suppose it's not as big of a deal as it seems... It's just so difficult to deal with the fact that there is GOING TO BE collateral dammage, no matter what I do. :sigh:

I would say that if you care at all about keeping your family in your life, it really IS a big deal. But seek more advice, plan carefully, have a backup plan, cover as many bases as you can, and never panic. I'm sure that no matter what happens, you'll come out all right. You might not get exactly the outcome you want, but you can always come to terms with that later. Good luck.

[LordKAT]

You may want to have links to sites and books or literature or movies in mind that the may watch/read to understand a bit better and then give them time to do that. Maybe agree to talk again after they have read/watched that information.