So wow! what an awesome few months I've had. As of October 14th I moved out of my old place and managed to rent a really nice room that is much warmer and dryer then what I had before. I've made some great new friends, lessened my drama level and really had lots of time to reflect on my life.
As of late I have not been very active on Myspace or in any of the support groups that I am a member of. I sincerely apologize for that but my life has taken an entirely new and unexpected direction. Like I mentioned just now, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on my life and thinking about my future. As I look back I see just how far I have come and I am amazed at how much has transpired. I am happier now then I have ever been in my life and I feel like greater things are in store for me but I need to take certain actions now in order for those things to come to pass.
For far too many years I had let my condition control me. I was bound by it, repressed and depressed by it. I let it govern every facet of my life both awake and asleep. I was crippled by fear and self loathing. Even in my happiest moments I let it influence every single action and reaction. every conversation I had invariably came back to my condition. Form some reason I felt compelled to disclose my condition to every person I met. Recently I realized just how much control it had over me and it made me angry! But more then making me angry it made me tired. I grew tired of living under the shadow of it so I stopped.
I began thinking about where I want to go in life, where I want to be both financially and spiritually. If you read my
previous blog entry you learned of my breakthrough moment driving down US 31 in Indiana. That truly was a turning point in my life and many things have changed. My condition is something that I still deal with but I refuse to let it dominate my life and conversation any longer. It will not and does not define me. I am simply a woman, no better or worse then any other. I have went through my blog entries and deleted a few that contained some content that I feel was either inappropriate or simply not helpful. I have even considered deleting my account and may do so yet. Not because of any one else but only because I do not wish to be bound by my past.
I have been through a spiritual reawakening and I want that to be the focus and guide for my life. Now I'm not going to start jumping church pews and popping people on the head making then fall to the ground. I'm not going to start pushing my faith on any one or try to force you to act or talk a certain way around me. I'm not going to love anyone any less if they are atheist, agnostic, Christian, straight, transgendered, lesbian, gay or pointy eared people from Vulcan. If you were my friend before then nothing has changed. I still love you just as much as ever.
My faith in God is just that,
my faith. It is what
I believe. that does not mean you have to believe it too. Just because I like to eat frozen French fries does not mean I'm going to demand that you have to eat them too. I am doing this for me. If you see my life and you like what you see and want the same for yours then I will do everything I can to share with you the peace that I have found. If you don't feel that my life is one that you want then I will still go out of my way to show you love and support. I will help you in what ever way I can to help you better your own life as you feel lead to do. I am not your master, mother or god. I do not control you but I do love you.
That is what I am supposed to do.
What I was before, I am no longer. A person that had cancer and survived is a surviver, not a victim. The cancer is in the past. A person that had a wound does not continue to put a bandage over it after it has healed. I am a survivor! My wounds are healed.
I have been so blessed through out my life. God has given me so much to be thankful for. I don't care if things don't turn out 100% the way I want them to, I have been given to much to be bitter about life.
There are so many people in this world, in my own city even that are suffering more then I ever have or could ever imagine. Who am I to complain if I have a bad hair day? I just want to reach out to the hurting. I want to shine a light in the darkness for anyone who has lost their direction.
I was once that ship lost at sea, being beaten by the wind and waves but someone heard my cry for help and lit up the light house for me. That light guided me safely to shore with out breaking me on the rocks. How foolish and selfish would I be if I did not do the same for someone else?
There is a light shining in the darkness. It may be small and hard to see but by the grace of God I will be a shield that keeps the wind from blowing it out and I will be the prism that magnifies that light so that anyone can see it and find safe harbor.
'I don't care what kind of vessel you are traveling in, my light is here for you. I don't care what direction you come from, I want to shine for you. And if your vessel is broken and you are sinking just call out for help. I will swim out and lift you up and bring you safely to shore. If your doing fine on your own, just know that I will still be here if you need me' -God.
