How to tell my conservative parents. (Begging for help.)

[Alicia91]

Hey. I'm working on transitioning to MtF. I live in Sioux Falls, SD., a very conservative place. My biggest problem would have to be money. I know I need to come out to my parents sooner or later (especially because of money), but I have no clue where to begin. Important factors are:

South Dakota = Conservative. Probably won't take it well.

I have nowhere else to go. I'm still dependent on them.

I'm scared out of my mind about this, but it has to be done.

I currently work for my father in manufacturing.

And last, how in the world do I get onto this line of speaking?

Point is, I need help. I've told my therapist about this and am going in to get fully evaluated, but I know I can't afford this on my income. I NEED their help, but first I have to come out to them. How? Any help would be appreciated.

[Janet_Girl]

There is an active GLBT community is Sioux Falls, according to my GF.  Seek them out.

And how do you mean that they are conservative?

Begin by seeing how they feel about GLBT issues.



Janet

[tekla]

South Dakota, despite TWO failed ballot attempts, still is trying to impose the most restrictive abortion legislation in the nation - yeah, a little bit of Alabama way up north.  I lived (if you can call it that) for years in Iowa, which was damn liberal compared with SD. I don't know about 'the most conservative' but SD is damn sure not liberal.

[Alicia91]

I suppose this is somewhere to start. Now all I gotta do is find this GLBT community. And yeah, other than marrying your cousin, it IS a little bit of Alabama. Also, I've been wanting to go to LA for a while. Any clues how that part of the States treats us?

[tekla]

Louisiana or Los Angeles, big difference.

[Janet_Girl]

I can't speak for L.A., But Portland is a great place.  PSU has one of the high Trans student body, so I am told. 



Janet

[Alyssa M.]

The most important thing about coming out to your parents it that they are your parents, not their political views. Do they love you? Are they loyal to the people they love? Then you should be okay. It might be hard, but they will come around. If they are petty and back-stabbing, it doesn't matter if they are liberal. I have seen both situations. No matter what, gaining some independence would be a good move, however you can do that.

[Alicia91]

Oh, hey. I totally forgot to say this earlier, but I'm adopted. Do you think that will affect how they respond? I know I sound like a broken record, but, come on. It's my parents. My mom's always saying "I want grand babies" and my dad's always been pushing me to into cars and sports and what have you. I just want to know my odds of NOT screwing up my relationship with them. That, and to know the best way to tell them.

[Janet_Girl]

Being adopted changes nothing.  They are still your parents.  I always say that adopted children are the "chosen" ones, because their parents went and looked for their child.  Most natural born children were surprises, with some planned.

I am also adopted and my parents loved me.  Their just were very old fashion and would never have accepted me as their daughter.  I wish they had, it would have been a great ride.  But Dad was a little homophobic and racist, which was a surprise because he worked with many people who were non-white and may have been gay.  But his generation was like that.  And Mom just followed his lead.

I loved them both and that has a lot to do with waiting for their passing to transition.  It cause me many heartaches and miss opportunities.  But that does not mean that yours will be the same way.  Who knows how they will react.  They are still your parents and they love you just as much as if you were natural born.



Janet

[Alicia91]

Yeah, I suppose you're right. And they say, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I'm glad I found this place. Thanks. Now all I have to do is work up the courage to face them.

[Silver]

Hey. I'm working on transitioning to MtF. I live in Sioux Falls, SD., a very conservative place. My biggest problem would have to be money. I know I need to come out to my parents sooner or later (especially because of money), but I have no clue where to begin. Important factors are:

South Dakota = Conservative. Probably won't take it well.

I have nowhere else to go. I'm still dependent on them.

I'm scared out of my mind about this, but it has to be done.

I currently work for my father in manufacturing.

And last, how in the world do I get onto this line of speaking?

Point is, I need help. I've told my therapist about this and am going in to get fully evaluated, but I know I can't afford this on my income. I NEED their help, but first I have to come out to them. How? Any help would be appreciated.

I doubt telling them would help if you need money. If they're that conservative, they won't support you. Maybe even kick you out.

Get a better education, search for a job, save money, something like that.

I have some family from SD and if you can, it would probably be a good idea to move.

L.A.'s more liberal than SD. Lots of gays and such down here in CA.

[Nicky]

I think it would be wise to work towards independence. You need some kind of fall back plan, just to keep yourself safe, especially if you believe they won't take it well (though they might surprise you there) At the moment all your eggs are on one basket which is not a good place to be in when broaching this sort of thing.

[Alyssa M.]

Perhaps being adopted makes a difference. It allows you to frame your gender issues as a genetic or prenatal developmental glitch without any need to compare to others in your family, or telling them that they might carry some "defect" themselves.

Furthermore, it removes the problem that some face that transitioning ends any hope of a genetic lineage. The fact that you would have to adopt any children you would raise probably doesn't imply any feeling of loss on your parents' part as it might if you were their genetic descendents.

[Pippa]

I know my parents won't be favourable of my transition and will try to change my mind and are likely to cut me out of family life.   My fear isn't their reaction, it is losing them.   For all their faults (I often think they still live in the world of the 1950's) I love them and don't want to lose them.   To be honest they and my brother are the only family I really have.

This isn't helped by the fact that I was bullied relentlessly during my youth and as a result have great difficulty in trusting others and making friends.   I have aquaintencies and colleagues but have no one who I can call a lifelong friend.   My issues with trust and friendship have dogged my life and have made coming out almost a nightmare issue.

I have finally decided to transition and I am seeking professional support to help with my fear of coming out.

[Ms Jessica]

If you're okay with giving them A LOT of time to come to terms with it, you can do what I did-- start by saying that you're seeing a gender therapist*.  Explain only a small portion of what you're going through at a time.  They'll more than likely be overwhelmed so best not to lay all of it on them at once. 

GLBT community in your area sounds like a great resource, and many other suggestions here sound great.  Good luck!


*I should add the caveat that I'm not on speaking terms with my parents anymore.  They seemed to start out okay, but as I started to actually transition, they totally freaked out. 

[Virginia87106]

Having been through this, I always counsel with one word:  caution.
People have lost everything by announcing a gender transition, and I would never tell someone not to do it, but just, be cautious.  Realize that if it takes a little longer than you wish, that is OK.  Sometimes family members have an easier time understanding if it happens very gradually.  If you can find one supportive family member then that one may be able to convince others.  Really think it thru and develop a plan with your counselor before telling anyone.

[Alicia91]

You know, it would have been nice if I had checked out this site sooner. I came out and told my parents about a week ago in what might be considered an... 'unorthodox' manner. To say the very least.

I stole my father's car and tried to drive to Minneapolis, Minnesota to seek help, but I ran out of gas halfway there. So, now they know.

[tekla]

Oh, well, that's one way - at least you didn't wreck the car. 

[Alicia91]

Funny you should say that. I was in a white out on my way home from work and hit another car on the interstate. Sooo...

[tekla]

OK then, well, it can't get much worse then.  Look, your going to, like everyone else, have to find your place in the world.  It might not be in Dakota (I lived in Iowa for a long time, I'm no stranger to Dakota).  And your going to have to find something to do to support yourself.  Help is not always everywhere, sometimes you have to go find it, so that is positive that you were seeking it out, but next time, try the bus.