Hi everyone,
I have never, ever done this before so please bear with me.
I am male? and now in my 40's. Only recently strange feelings have being coming over me and I am finally beginning to accept and even see who perhaps I really am. I know it sounds like a cliche, but ever since I was around 2 to 3 years old, I felt I really should have been a girl. I remember the joy and delight when my older sister used to play dress-ups with me and I felt really special,but I didn't know why. I always wanted to wear her bathing costume because it covered up my top too. I was very shy. When I first started to go to primary school, I was terrified of the boys and was so afraid to go to the toilet I used to wet my pants! I hated stripping off in front of them in the change rooms even at that age. I really don't know why other than to presume I would have been much more comfortable around the girls.
This sort of feeling carried on through most of my early education, but got really bad around puberty. I remember on several occasions just praying that I will wake up the next morning and have a vagina. I felt like an alien that couldn't relate to boys at all. I was ashamed of how they were treating the girls sometimes and was convinced I was not one of them. Around puberty, I was getting a lot of bullying and being called a 'poofter' (gay) but rejected that because I desperately wanted to fit in. I was very bad at sports which didn't help my cause at all. Not to mention the fact that I had a beautiful soprano voice and loved singing.
So I don't bore you to tears, my confidence and life was miserable and a succession of failures up until recently. I actually contemplated suicide several times, but luckily didn't have the guts to carry it out. I wish times were different when I was young and I could have discussed this with someone at the time. I DEFINITELY would have chosen hormone treatment at a young age and lived what would have been a happier life as a female. The inner me. I am very feminine in thought, but so many years have past that the act of being "blokey" has masked that very well on the outside. I recently (out of curiosity) took the GOGIATI test online and came up with a score of 225, making me classification 4 "probable Transsexual". I guess I was at two minds with the result, both surprised but on the inside not at all.
There is a lot more of my story to tell, but I won't attempt it yet. I need to talk to people like yourselves that will understand and perhaps give me some sort of catharsis. I very secretively cross dress, but one strange side of me wants the world to see. I'm very confused. I started waxing my entire legs and torso over the last year or so and it feels absolutely fantastic!! I am very sad because I would love to pass as a woman, but realise it would be out of the question because of my career. It would be wrong on so many levels. You see only recently I re-discovered my talent for singing and to cut a long story short, since 2006 I have a career as an opera singer: a tenor in fact. You can perhaps see my dilemma as I now have a public profile as well as the fact a female tenor just wouldn't cut it.
I need other ways of expressing my femininity and that's why I have taken the brave step (well I think it is) in joining this forum.
Lots of love, Alexie (my secret name)
