Hi everyone,
I have never, ever done this before so please bear with me.
I am male? and now in my 40's. Only recently strange feelings have being coming over me and I am finally beginning to accept and even see who perhaps I really am. I know it sounds like a cliche, but ever since I was around 2 to 3 years old, I felt I really should have been a girl. I remember the joy and delight when my older sister used to play dress-ups with me and I felt really special,but I  didn't know why. I always wanted to wear her bathing costume because it covered up my top too. I was very shy. When I first started to go to primary school, I was terrified of the boys and was so afraid to go to the toilet I used to wet my pants! I hated stripping off in front of them in the change rooms even at that age. I really don't know why other than to presume I would have been much more comfortable around the girls.
This sort of feeling carried on through most of my early education, but got really bad around puberty. I remember on several occasions just praying that I will wake up the next morning and have a vagina. I felt like an alien that couldn't relate to boys at all. I was ashamed of how they were treating the girls sometimes and was convinced I was not one of them. Around puberty, I was getting a lot of bullying and being called a 'poofter' (gay) but rejected that because I desperately wanted to fit in. I was very bad at sports which didn't help my cause at all. Not to mention the fact that I had a beautiful soprano voice and loved singing.

So I don't bore you to tears, my confidence and life was miserable and a succession of failures up until recently. I actually contemplated suicide several times, but luckily didn't have the guts to carry it out. I wish times were different when I was young  and I could have discussed this with someone at the time. I DEFINITELY would have chosen hormone treatment at a young age and lived what would have been a happier life as a female. The inner me. I am very feminine in thought, but so many years have past that the act of being "blokey" has masked that very well on the outside. I recently (out of curiosity) took the GOGIATI test online and came up with a score of 225, making me classification 4 "probable Transsexual". I guess I was at two minds with the result, both surprised but on the inside not at all.

There is a lot more of my story to tell, but I won't attempt it yet. I need to talk to people like yourselves that will understand and perhaps give me some sort of catharsis. I very secretively cross dress, but one strange side of me wants the world to see. I'm very confused. I started waxing my entire legs and torso over the last year or so and it feels absolutely fantastic!! I am very sad because I would love to pass as a woman, but realise it would be out of the question because of my career. It would be wrong on so many levels. You see only recently I re-discovered my talent for singing and to cut a long story short, since 2006 I have a career as an opera singer: a tenor in fact. You can perhaps see my dilemma as I now have a public profile as well as the fact a female tenor just wouldn't cut it.

I need other ways of expressing my femininity and that's why I have taken the brave step (well I think it is) in joining this forum.

Lots of love, Alexie (my secret name)

Hi Alexie,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
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First step.  Find a good gender therapist.  From there you can open doors that lead you to understanding and accepting your true self.

Blessed Be.
Janet

Hi Alexie 

Welcome to Susan's

Although your story may ring very familiar to many here including myself, there is nothing cliche about it

You've come to the right place 

Jump on in and join the fun 

Thanks everyone,
I feel a bit better just having told someone. This has been a torturing secret all my life.

Alexie

Greetings

Hi Alexie,
As the others have said the story is not new. I know it seems it but you are among people who have been walking the same road for as long as you. I'm also in a public position, although not an opera star. Congratulations by the way. I love theatre.

I'm in a public position that would seriously affect my work if and when I come out full time. Funny that, it used to be never, it's now if and when. I've been on Susan's a year and it has opened my eyes to what I need do to be content.

Sorry about the ramble, I presume you are in the UK (?) - poofters sort of gives it away I'm not (Australian) but try and organise to see a therapist. You are safe here and with them. But I think you need to explore your thoughts professionally.

Any How Honey

Welcome
Now give us an aria

Cindy

hi alexi your story is so similar to many here i would suggest seeing  a therapist to work out the issues one that specializes in GID. even if you feel you cant transition he can offer you insights into dealing with it. I am in law enforcement so i have many of the issues about public perception and good old boys club that frowns on cross gender expressions but i have also reached a point were i cant continue to lie to myself and everyone around me this forum is a great place to ask questions related to your experence and to express your true self w/o feer of ridicule.
jessica

Is it normal to get this warm feeling of relief or satisfaction that there are other people like your beautiful good selves that really do know what I have been keeping as a secret all my life.
As I said, if I could start over there is no doubt in my mind that I would like to transition. I know it would be right for me, and on that note I admire and respect all of you that have gone and done it. I now know all my life I have suffered GID and it won't just go away. But I tend to feel things have gone too far the other way for me to do anything now. I am terrified of the ridicule I will be subjected to. All my friends and family are very conservative and I fear I would lose them. Sorry for the rambling but I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. It's almost like I am creating a hormone imbalance and producing estrogen myself!! I know this is irrational, but has anyone else experienced these sudden out of the blue waves of GID? I think I'm just dead tired of spending years of "acting" like a man. I'm sick of it!!
As far as seeking counseling is concerned, you are right, I do need that, but I am not even ready for that yet. You are the first people in the entire world that I have told, so a little chatting first will probably go a long way to helping me.

Jesse and CindyJames: your comments are a great help

Thank you and bless you all for listening to me.

Hi Alexie, What you're feeling may be very common. You have made a great step forward. Do you go out in public as Alexie? If not do it. That is another big step toward being your true self. If you are like me being enfemme dissolves all anxiety and depression. By the way, "Alexie" is no longer a secret. I will tell all of my friends that I have a new sister called Alexie.

i actually tried to transition 10 years ago at thirty we are the same age or very close to it i backed away out of fear of losing everything GID can come on quite suddenly and sometimes its triggered by seeing reading or feeling something. heres an example i was sitting in my car cleaning it out getting ready to sell it. i normally carry my girl stuff in my work pack to prevent my wife from finding it when i got to thinking what am i doing.. am i really thinking about tearing my family apart risking losing my job as denver sheriffs deputy over this i decided i was gonna throw all of my makeup away (purging) i had this eye liner in my hand ready to toss it out the window and i couldnt do it i started to shake and finally broke down in tears there i was a cop sitting there paralized unable to do anything eye liner and one hand glock in the other thinking about spattering my brains all over the street if a cop had pulled up just then they would have had to commit me luckily i finally drove around long enough that it subsided. thats a sever case and the therapist i have said they get worse as you get older no one should have to suffer from GID but we do its life there are ways to deal with the disphoria and ways to express that will not cause you to risk everything hugs
jessica

Welcome, Alexi~

You've taken your first step by just admitting with what sex you self identify. Secondly, you found this forum, which is one of the best for TG/TS people on the net. Some people have suggested finding a gender counselor. This is an excellent idea.

I didn't hear that you are married, gay, or if you have children. ( I won't make assumptions) This is a much easier road to follow if you don't have these relationships. I started therapy with a "gender specialist" back in 1990 in order to get to the bottom of my feelings. Was I a CD, TG or did I need to acknowledge the fact that either WAS female or NEEDED to live as one. I was married at the time with two kids. Not only did therapy help me to see that I was TS, but also helped me escape an abusive relationship. It was the best thing I ever did.

My full transition took about 8 years from that first therapy appointment to my SRS surgery last year. I had been on some level of hormones for 6 years before my surgery.

I would also suggest finding some gender support groups. Try one made up primarily of CD girls, then look for one with TS/TG women. See which one feels right. GO out with them, and when you feel confident, just go out into straight gendered society as Alexi. See how you do, and how you like it. Only then can you start to actually contemplate going full time, going on HRT, having surgery or turning your life upside down for a time.

Good luck on you journey!

Julie Mac 

Thanks juliekins,
I am so pleased how insightful this community is. What a relief
First of all to answer your questions about me (and I feel I owe it to you to tell you) I am single and have no children. As far as my sexuality is concerned, I still don't know. I am well aware that gender identity and sexual preference are two separate subjects, but just to confuse my existence even more I still aren't sure. I've come to one great revelation and that is when I see a very pretty girl with beautiful clear skin, a great figure and wearing gorgeous clothes, I am aroused, but it seams only because I want so badly to be able to look like that too! It's envy mixed in with arousal I suppose. I have had sexual encounters with females, but I hate to say I haven't found myself in a state of sexual euphoria, rather I wasn't really turned on at all. I don't think men turn me on either, but I have never been brave enough to explore that avenue. I am so confused and as a result so sexually unfulfilled.
A huge congratulations on your transition. I just get so upset that I'm in my 40's and if I ever chose to transition like yourself, I'd be too old to look in the mirror and see myself as the beautiful girl I always longed to be. I'm talking from the heart here and putting thoughts on paper that until now have only been thoughts. I am so sorry if this comment offends any of the older transsexuals in this forum. I never, ever want to hurt anyones feelings, but on the other hand I must be honest with myself - something I haven't been doing up until now. As an addendum to this comment, I'd like to add that I respect, admire and honor anyone who has gone through this process, regardless of how old you are. If you could see the tears welling up inside me you would appreciate just how much I admire you ALL.
I hope the female side of my personality shows in the way I write and express myself. I would be so happy to hear that at least that part of my personality shows through
Can you suggest any CD or gender support groups near where I live? Melbourne, Australia.
Thanks so much. This is a life changing forum.

One thing that you will learn, through therapy and your new life experiences, is not too dwell on the past. To be sure, many of us would have loved to of transitioned when we were teens or in our early twenties~such is not the case for most of us pre-net adults.

That said, you will still be able, in most cases, to still do well transitioning. My partner Julie Marie and I, have been to more straight and gay places that you could imagine. We have really never encountered any problems except for pushy straight guys who are hoping to score a "two-fer". Not happening, buddy! I was in my middle forties when I transitioned- and it can happen! I was proud to have been wearing my little bikini while on the cruise we took last year.

Dreams can come true, but it will take lots of work and soul searching. Except for the losses of a couple a friends, and some of my family, I could not have been happier with the decision that I made to be Julie forever. I'm blessed to still have my kids in my life, too.

Don't sweat the sexual attraction stuff yet. I told my therapist, and a group of college kids when I did a trans presentation, that you can't get your sexuality straight until you've fixed your gender identity issue. Once you do, you'll make sense of your attractions and can comfortably act upon them while in the right body.

Good luck!!

Hi Alexie,
There are support groups in Melbourne, I'll let some of the local girls bring them up. I'm in Adelaide, so guess what? You are even less lonely than you thought
I think it is pretty normal to feel sort of totally fazed when you finally meet up with other people who have GID and you can finally say "I'm not alone" "I'm not a freak" "I'm a normal human being who should be treated with love and respect (even if you did steal the Grand Prix )"

Sorry Guys and Girls, an in joke for Aussies.

Take care, every day is precious and you will never be alone again. I and many others have posted at the gates of despair. Help is here.

Hugs
Cindy

Hi Alexie