revisiting de-transition

[jesse]

Sometimes I think about giving up, ringing the bell, de-transitioning

Part of it is the cost involved. I don't know if I'll ever have enough to complete my transition

This depresses me allot. Also I feel like everyone hates me. More depression

I think about suicide allot. I'm no-one famous. No-one will miss me anyway

umm virginia we would miss you and anyone that hates you obviously dosnt know you (the real you) the one we see here
jessica

[K8]

Sometimes I think about giving up, ringing the bell, de-transitioning

Part of it is the cost involved. I don't know if I'll ever have enough to complete my transition

This depresses me allot. Also I feel like everyone hates me. More depression

I think about suicide allot. I'm no-one famous. No-one will miss me anyway

Well, Virginia, I would miss you.   You're my favorite mermaid.


I'm pre-op and am looking forward to aligning my body through further hormone use and surgery, but I've pretty much transitioned.  I am a woman.  People treat me as a woman.  My legal name is Katherine but most people call me Kate.  I can go anywhere I want as Kate.  Sure, my driver's license and passport still say male, but so what?  And if it ever looks like I will have the opportunity to cuddle with some sweet guy, we'll have to have a little talk before we get close to doing that, but I can handle that.

For me, the goal wasn't only to have the body of a woman but to be a woman – the woman I always knew I was inside.  How I fit into the world, how people treat me, how I present myself, are all part of that.  I know it is not the same for all of us, but that's how it is for me.  And I think the year or more of RLE is vital to finding me – Kate – inside there somewhere. 

I don't understand how after discovering the real you during RLE you would want to go back to some remembered-you.  I think perhaps if you focus too much on the idea of having a female body (or male body for FTMs), then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.  And that's where therapy comes in – to help you understand what it is you are really looking for by transitioning.

It's not about the shell you wear.  It's about being able to be you.

The Standards of Care are guidelines.  They should be revisited to reflect current procedures and levels of acceptance of transsexualism, but they are guidelines.  It is when the medical community sees them as rules rather than guidelines that we have problems.  (And often it is the insurance industry that is driving the medical community, but that's another issue.)

Sorry.  I'll get off my soapbox now and let others speak.

- Kate

[rejennyrated]

The Standards of Care are guidelines.  They should be revisited to reflect current procedures and levels of acceptance of transsexualism, but they are guidelines.  It is when the medical community sees them as rules rather than guidelines that we have problems.  (And often it is the insurance industry that is driving the medical community, but that's another issue.)

Absolutely spot-on as always Kate! I'm totally with you.

[Just Kate]

Speaking of de-transitioning.  I just got a wonderful gem of a comment on my blog:

Hi,
I have to say I do not believe that a True Transsexual wil de-transition...

...I think a true Ts will make the decision ti transition and do it regardless and go off into stealth...those who don't may be suffereing form any number of problems that they either will or won't admit to themselves.

This type of attitude still exists which is unfortunate.  So if you de-transition you aren't really TS apparently, and if transition for you includes anything other than stealth it means you must be suffering from any number of problems that you might not even be aware of!  Wonderful! 
That means ALL of our out TS activists have other problems! 

I hope this person didn't come from Susan's - to date the attitudes displayed here have been much more fair.  However this does resemble the sentiments I've found on other forums I've long abandoned.

[rejennyrated]

Speaking of de-transitioning.  I just got a wonderful gem of a comment on my blog:

This type of attitude still exists which is unfortunate.  So if you de-transition you aren't really TS apparently, and if transition for you includes anything other than stealth it means you must be suffering from any number of problems that you might not even be aware of!  Wonderful! 
That means ALL of our out TS activists have other problems! 

I hope this person didn't come from Susan's - to date the attitudes displayed here have been much more fair.  However this does resemble the sentiments I've found on other forums I've long abandoned.

Bloody right!

I came out of stealth about five years ago, after nearly twenty years simply because I felt guilty that I wasn't contributing anything to the overall image of the trans community - and thereby letting idiotic and unrealitic attitudes like the one you quoted prevail!

[Syne]

My therapist has noted a few things in the last two years. She told me a while back most come in with a host of other problems thinking transitioning will solve them, yet those issues still exist even in the other gender.

Stressing this because way too many have that mindset. The way it worked for me is that transitioning and then surgery allowed me to address a HUGE problem in my life and gave me what I needed to then deal with all of the other things.

[shanetastic]

My first therapist was crazy like that too.

She believes I was depressed (which I was) and needed to get undepressed before I could start HRT.  But the thing was I was depressed about feeling like I was never going to actually go anywhere in transition and start HRT lololol.  Ohhhhhhhh shrinks.

[xsocialworker]

I knew many people coming into the program that I was with who detransitioned. It was usually because they could not get a job and decided working in their birth gender was better than our shelter month after month. This includes F to M's also. Extreme hostility from parents or children was also a factor. Our grant expired before we could complete any real follow-ups beyond one year.

[Jesslee]

I knew many people coming into the program that I was with who detransitioned. It was usually because they could not get a job and decided working in their birth gender was better than our shelter month after month. This includes F to M's also. Extreme hostility from parents or children was also a factor. Our grant expired before we could complete any real follow-ups beyond one year.

I have heard alot of those awful stories. In your opinion, why were these people forced to de-transition to find employment?

Was it because they were not far enough along in their transitions? Or was it because of issues with passing as the desired gender?

[Shana A]

I have heard alot of those awful stories. In your opinion, why were these people forced to de-transition to find employment?

Was it because they were not far enough along in their transitions? Or was it because of issues with passing as the desired gender?

I'm a self employed musician. I lost most of my gigs and students when I transitioned and was unable to find work as a trans woman. In addition, although I had a letter from my therapist, I couldn't find an endo who would treat me without health insurance, although I had money to pay out of pocket. I re-transitioned and the work magically reappeared.

It had nothing to do with how far I was in transition, over a year, which was enough to know that it was working in all other aspects. Being passable wasn't a factor, I transitioned in a small town so everyone knew anyway. Sometimes w/ strangers I passed, sometimes I didn't. I could care less, I'm not going to hide my past. All that I really care about is being safe, we have too many statistics!

Although I'm OK w living in between gender as I do now, based on my experience I'd be happier perceived as female than male. Reality is I also like having a roof over my head and eating. So I do what I must.

Z

[xsocialworker]

Being passable was not always a factor. It was usually the financial inability to get GRS and get document changes. Basically it was more just plain outright bigotry

[Tammy Hope]

Maybe I'm just in the honeymoon stage but I can't conceive of detransitioning  - I know I'd be even more useless if I didi.

Well, I can imagine being homeless and too broke to buy a razor and effectively living a forced DT but not willingly...

[Tammy Hope]

Well,I have to say that I am theoretically tempted sometimes but not practically tempted, if you get my meaning.

I'm fully aware of what it would do to the lives of my wife and kids (and very few others besides them matter in this context) and so I have no real desire to do it because that obligation to them moves me.

BUT

when it does cross my mind, the main driving force behind it is that it sometimes bothers me that people don't seem to take the mental stress and turmoil that comes with this condition seriously. It's kinda like you have to commit suicide to prove that what you feel is strong enough to make it worth suicide.

Again, to be clear, I'm not remotely close to it - but I can understand the mentality that would make it tempting.

[kelliBennett]

If that's you in the avatar you really are beautiful.

wow, thank you so much. Yes that really is me in the avatar. I never know what to say so thank you again.

[GenB]

The thing that concerns me is what if I'm wrong?  I want to do something I want to make a change but I don't rush into it.  If I know myself I start something and no matter how it ends I see it through which adds to the whole anxiety over something like transitioning.  For me something like a detransition wouldn't even be an option regard less the situation, I would find a way.  The little bit that I've done so far (counseling) has got me to the point of knowing the issue but now comes the idea of when of if I should start.  Stories of detransitioning, retransitioning intrigue me because my feeling is like you're gambling for this one shot for a peaceful life and something just throws everything aback is it a case of will to force it or is a case of fear or something else?

[katherine]

I stopped my progress some years ago for family.  It was a bit easier for me since I had not started HRT.  Now I'm back again and undergoing HRT.  It seems to me that if you are indeed trans, that if you detransition you can't change who and what you are.  You simply learn to make adjustments and compromises and find that comfort zone that you can exist within. Just my opinion. I don't know how one can mentally adjust sufficiently to be contented with a decision to detransition.  I don't mean to suggest that one cannot, I just don't see how someone adjusts to that level.
I do understand the hardships faced while transitioning and undergoing RLT.  So much to contend with regarding family, work, and just interfacing in general while out and about.  Not to mention the cost.  I hope I haven't offended anyone, it isn't my intent.  I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like to detransition even knowing that you are trans.  Such a difficult decision to make whatever the reason.  Hugs.

Kathy

[K8]

The thing that concerns me is what if I'm wrong?  I want to do something I want to make a change but I don't rush into it.  If I know myself I start something and no matter how it ends I see it through which adds to the whole anxiety over something like transitioning.  For me something like a detransition wouldn't even be an option regard less the situation, I would find a way.  The little bit that I've done so far (counseling) has got me to the point of knowing the issue but now comes the idea of when of if I should start.  Stories of detransitioning, retransitioning intrigue me because my feeling is like you're gambling for this one shot for a peaceful life and something just throws everything aback is it a case of will to force it or is a case of fear or something else?

I had much the same fear.  Just because I had always thought I would be happier as a woman didn't mean that I would be.  How can you know?  That's why I talked it over with my counselor regularly and in the beginning took only steps that could be reversed.

I came out to my friends as transgendered and someone who cross-dressed in private.  I deflected questions about transition or surgery as too far down the road.

I began laser and electrolysis treatments to remove my facial hair, figuring I could always present myself as a clean-shaven man.

I got a woman's haircut and manicure (clear polish) and had my eyebrows shaped.  I had often presented myself as an effeminate man, and those things all grow out.

I added Katherine to my credit card and investment accounts, as an alias.

I began hormone treatments to soften my contours.  Changes are slow in the beginning and I figured I could stop before anything drastic happened.

I began "sort-of" full time, not willing to take the leap.

And then I was sure that I wanted and needed transition.  I started full time and applied to have my name changed legally.  At that point there was no turning back for me.  (But I was lucky.  I didn't have to contend with the rejection that Zythyra did.)

There's a lot to changing one's gender to the world.  Take it slowly, taking each step when you are ready for it.  There is no timetable.  If you find something doesn't work, take a step back.  And it really helps if you can have a good counselor and supportive friends along the way.

- Kate

[Just Kate]

<= confused.  When did this turn into a transition thread?

Who else has re-transitioned? Reasons for doing so? Considering transition again? Other thoughts?

Anyone else here de-transitioned in the past or present or looking to in the future?  I'm interested to know more about why people do this (I mean I have my own perspective and I'm starting to notice similarites, but I'd like to hear from others).  Seems people who de-transition have something in their life they consider more important than the transition itself.  No duh right?  For me it was having authenticity in my relationships.

So to add to Zythyra's original question, if you did de-transition, what did you consider to be more important than transition?  Is it still more important?  If you transitioned again, did that thing become less important or how else did you justify transition?

[rejennyrated]

Seems people who de-transition have something in their life they consider more important than the transition itself.  No duh right?  For me it was having authenticity in my relationships.

I'm genuinely intrigued as to why you feel "transition or not" affects the authenticity of your relationships? To be authentic I guess that people should know sure... but other than that I can't see how transition or even SRS affects the authenticity of a relationship.

It no different from clothing really - the body is just the window dressing. The "authentic or not" bit comes from the person inside surely? Which doesn't change. Or am I missing something here?

When I "transitioned" the ONLY thing which I changed was the clothes that I wore. My behaviour changed not one iota. It was already as feminine as it needed to be.

My bodily appearance became different when underwent SRS but again my persona didn't change one iota. I didn't put on an act, "become" any more feminine than I already was. I didn't behave differently. I am the same person today as I always was, just a lot happier being it, because since SRS I have not been constantly disturbed by seeing a stranger whenever I look in the mirror.

It seems to me to follow logically that if my relationships were genuine before, they must still be genuine because the only thing which has changed is my outward appearance, and that could have happened for all sorts of other reasons. I don't suddenly worry that my relationships lack authenticity because I get a scar on my cheek or some other non SRS related alteration to my appearance after all.

So what am I missing here?

[xsocialworker]

That is great if you can do it. Unfortunately, not everbody ( friends, family, employers) see these physical changes as no more than changing clothes or removing a blemish. Children can see the loss of the father or mother they believed they had or maybe those around you will now see you as doing satan's work and condemned to hell ( if one comes from certain backgrounds).  If you want to run for office, the media will always find this out and make it an issue. If you can't afford GRS, you live in a gender maybe world where a hospital visit or joining a health club becomes an adventure in political correctness. Mates can think you kept a big secret from them and wonder what else you are hiding. I'm really happy things worked so well for you. Good luck if you can get it.

I don't know any transitioner, either as a friend, co-worker,or agency client that didn't on some level have to fight for basic acceptance. How well they passed or not did not guarantee a smooth social transition. I know many de-transitioners who got fed up with homeless shelters and rejection by families. This is not hearsay because these were my clients in a shelter run by my employer.