Depressed?

[Icephoenyx]

I don't think it's really about the sole fact that I'm TG. I'm actually learning to embrace it.

However, I find it hard to form meaningful relationships with people. I'm not a hermit or anything, but I think that being TG and being rejected pretty much all my life has made it hard to have people stay in my life.

My life is like a revolving door, people go in and out, keep coming and going. I can be best friends with someone one month then I just never hear from them again. I don't put much effort into it either because 1) I assume that  they won't be around for long anyways, and 2) I don't want to look desperate.

I have been in university full time for the past four years now and I haven't met a single friend. I talk to people, but it's usually just small talk in class and saying hi to them in the hallway.

If I ever needed serious help with something, I honestly wouldn't know who to call. Everyone just seems so busy or just don't care about being friends with me.

I am pre transition (except for t blockers), and I know that doesn't help. But I hope that being able to be myself will help me come out of my shell. Any similar experiences?

Chrissi

[HollyHC]

I'm in nearly the same situation, but I haven't moved to university yet.

The only people I know who aren't family are from school, and I only have one actual friend (male) there, even though I talk to all the others in my form.

Since they made me go to a boys-only school, I hardly ever meet someone with the qualities I would want in a friend, even though I'm not exactly choosy. Out of the available options, I don't really want to be friends with many of them.

Being surrounded by the opposite gender might sound like fun, but it gets old fast.

I too am hoping that becoming who I am will help me to be more outgoing, because I'm slow to get started but tend to be quite chatty once I know someone.

I'm still holding out hope for meeting people at university, or moving to another school for my last two years.

[K8]

I had sort-of friends when I was in college.  I've just been thinking about that time, wondering what made it that way.  I was always jealous of the college groups that stay in contact with each other and meet every few years until they are too old to travel.  I never managed that.

I think part of it is just being odd – not fitting in because I was TG, trying to be a guy but not making the grade, not knowing what the rules were.  Part of it was that I was just confused – about myself and about life.  But part of it was that I didn't know how to be a friend.  I didn't have solid enough ground to stand on to be there for anyone else.

I think having trouble making and keeping friends is fairly common in college, whether you are TG or not.  Perhaps it is just part of the growing-up process.  Some of us seem to know who we are when we're young.  Others of us take many years to figure out who we are.  Perhaps we need some idea of who we are to make lasting friends?

If you figure it out, let me know.

- Kate

[Icephoenyx]

Thanks Kate, I'm that does sound a lot like me. I do generally think that you need to be ok with yourself before you can be ok with others.

So, Kate, or anyone, how did the situation improve? Did transitioning help at all?

Thanks

Chrissi

[VioletNight]

I know how it goes. It's been nearly 10 years since I had a friend. I've had "online-friends" but as much as they may try it just isn't the same as someone you can reach out and poke. I've pretty much resigned myself to being a hermit. I only leave the house for work or to buy something, usually food. It's true that the better you feel about yourself the easier it is to make and maintain friendships. I wouldn't know first-hand but I would assume that any step you took to present the real you to the world would definitely result in forming more meaningful relationships. Keep up the chatter with people. Eventually someone will be more than happy to reciprocate. Best of luck to you.

[Shelina]

I don't think it's really about the sole fact that I'm TG. I'm actually learning to embrace it.

However, I find it hard to form meaningful relationships with people. I'm not a hermit or anything, but I think that being TG and being rejected pretty much all my life has made it hard to have people stay in my life.

My life is like a revolving door, people go in and out, keep coming and going. I can be best friends with someone one month then I just never hear from them again. I don't put much effort into it either because 1) I assume that  they won't be around for long anyways, and 2) I don't want to look desperate.

I have been in university full time for the past four years now and I haven't met a single friend. I talk to people, but it's usually just small talk in class and saying hi to them in the hallway.

If I ever needed serious help with something, I honestly wouldn't know who to call. Everyone just seems so busy or just don't care about being friends with me.

I am pre transition (except for t blockers), and I know that doesn't help. But I hope that being able to be myself will help me come out of my shell. Any similar experiences?

Chrissi

Your situation is 100% exactly the same as mine.

[K8]

So, Kate, or anyone, how did the situation improve? Did transitioning help at all?

For me it was a long process.  I became more comfortable with myself, became reasonably successful in my career, was friendly with people but didn't expect them to be friends, became grounded in understanding who I am, did things that made me proud of myself (little things - I'm easy ).  It all built up over the years. 

I worked at being a friend - remembering to thank people for their kindnesses, to listen to their problems and interests not just mine, to help them when they needed help without expecting payback.  I tried to learn generosity of spirit.  Being a friend is an active thing - sometimes it takes a little work and some attention to what is going on with the other person.

I looked into transitioning in the 80s, but the world was a much different place then and I didn't have the inner resources to pull it off.  I began transition when I was secure in myself.  I don't necessarily recommend waiting that long, but it has worked very well for me.  Each of us does this when we are ready.  I wasn't ready before now.

Would I have been better off as a woman earlier?  There is no way to tell.  I would have been happier with myself, but I still wouldn't have known how to be a friend back then.  It might have made the years better, but the hard lessons of adapting to the world in my old form have been very helpful to me.  I think I just had a lot to learn, and I needed a solid basis from which to transition.  I was very lucky in that I was able to suppress or redirect my GID, to control it most of the time so that it never got me into too much trouble.  Because of that I was able to wait until the time was right.  Again, each of our situations is different and we each do this in our way.

- Kate

[Robin.]

I don't think it's really about the sole fact that I'm TG. I'm actually learning to embrace it.

However, I find it hard to form meaningful relationships with people. I'm not a hermit or anything, but I think that being TG and being rejected pretty much all my life has made it hard to have people stay in my life.

My life is like a revolving door, people go in and out, keep coming and going. I can be best friends with someone one month then I just never hear from them again. I don't put much effort into it either because 1) I assume that  they won't be around for long anyways, and 2) I don't want to look desperate.

I have been in university full time for the past four years now and I haven't met a single friend. I talk to people, but it's usually just small talk in class and saying hi to them in the hallway.

If I ever needed serious help with something, I honestly wouldn't know who to call. Everyone just seems so busy or just don't care about being friends with me.

I am pre transition (except for t blockers), and I know that doesn't help. But I hope that being able to be myself will help me come out of my shell. Any similar experiences?

Chrissi

Yeah, definitly.

I have made only one friend in colledge, i'm in my third year so far. And to be honest it is weird.(the friendship that is) I hang out with him every now and then, but he always want to smoke dope...which makes me real uncomfortable because it is hard not to be myself when I'm stoned. and i don't want him to think I'm weird. plus I fear he might think I'm attracted to him....which I am but still...he's engaged...
And its not much of a friend ship anyways. we hang out like maybe 10 times a year, i went on a canoe trip with him once. And of course i really hate doing that kind of stuff because i'm forced to put on a mask, basiclly, the whole time.

I have one real good friend from high school but he we havn''t hung out alot lately because of colledge and the fact that I live far away. And I don't know what he would think if I told him that I'm a woman.

ultimatley it all comes down to the fact that it is really nearly impossible to have any sort of successful relationship with someone when your not being yourself. And I know this is true because I had alot of friends when I was younger. it was only when we all started growing up that differences were realized that led to my alienation, by my self and others to some extent.

[V M]

I don't think it's really about the sole fact that I'm TG. I'm actually learning to embrace it.

However, I find it hard to form meaningful relationships with people. I'm not a hermit or anything, but I think that being TG and being rejected pretty much all my life has made it hard to have people stay in my life.

My life is like a revolving door, people go in and out, keep coming and going. I can be best friends with someone one month then I just never hear from them again. I don't put much effort into it either because 1) I assume that  they won't be around for long anyways, and 2) I don't want to look desperate.

If I ever needed serious help with something, I honestly wouldn't know who to call. Everyone just seems so busy or just don't care about being friends with me.


Chrissi

I deal with allot of depression, anxiety and so forth

My own personal failures,A generally screwed up world. Friends who never truly got over the high school mentality and are full of stuffing when it's time to be a friend.

Many friends will come and go
Don't let the turkeys of life bother you. When you're on your death bed you'll be able to count your true friends on one hand

Just be yourself and proud to be you 

[NDelible Gurl]

I feel like that just being yourself is the best attitude to take. People will take notice and will want to talk with you and so forth. Remember you have to be a little selfish sometimes so don't be afraid to splurge on yourself. Try and make yourself feel good and always try and stay positive. Don't let haters or any other shady characters make you feel bad.

I don't want to scare you but I have to add if you're feeling a little desperate be careful about who you let in! Use your "street smarts" or intuition when it comes to making a new friend. It's usually right (at least for me).

As far as friends don't forget it's a two way street. You have to put in the effort because maybe those other people are thinking the same thing you are. They may not be trans but would like to feel an honest connection they can reciprocate and share with you.

Some of my thoughts may be a little jumbled but I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to convey.

Best of wishes girl!

[Diane Elizabeth]

I have never been able to attain a friendship.   I always yearned for finding a true friend.  But I only had co workers and acquaintences(sic).   I never seemed to fit in with "guys" and the things they do.  Though I do like some sports and clubbing.  No one ever bonded with me.  Even my wives didn't really bond that well.  Guess thats why I have 2 exes.