I'm now part of the living dead (again)

[gothique11]

So, I got out of the hospital/psychward last weekend. Yay for me. I got outta the joint. It was helpful, however, but most of the time boring. o_0

Anyway, yeah, I took a whole bunch of my medication with a bottle of vodka. Overdose. I took way over the lethal amount... way, way over.

I guess in a half-daze I ended up texting a friend of mine that I took a bunch of pills, and I posted on FB that I was sorry. I don't really remember that, but it seems I did. I don't even remember taking pills past the first bottle (I got to three bottles of three different meds before I passed out).

So, ambulance comes and I'm passed out completely, barely breathing. I ended up in cardiac arrest and I stopped breathing by the time I was in the hospital. DOA (Dead On Arrival).

I was in a coma and they put me on life support. Machines keeping my lungs going, and medications being injected into my heart to keep it going. I lost my shirt that I was wearing, since they had to cut it off to give me the 1-2-3 zap your heart to life thingy, whatever it's called.

They also pumped my stomach and filled it full of charcoal to suck up the lethal poisons from inside. *sluurrpp!*

I spent about 22 hours on life support, and once I got to around 24 hours I came out of my coma. I was in and out of consciousness. I was tripping out a bit and some how thought the hospital was playing really kick'n' music and I was in some sorta club. Club Le Hospital.

The next day I was doing better. I awoke to IV's coming out of both of my arms and one in my neck (boy did they leave nasty marks, and it really looked like I was bit by a vampire!).

After I stabilized they stuck me in the psych unit for a few days. I'm surprised that it wasn't for very long. Like four days. I saw a doctor once a day, talked to a couple nurses/therapists. I got a bunch of information about borderline personality disorder to read through.

The doctors said they don't know how I lived. They expected that I would die, or at least be in a coma for a longer time and have brain damage. In the ICU they did a few neuro tests and asked me a lot of questions, like getting me to count up and down, name the days of the week, and who I was. I didn't spill the secret that I'm a top secret ninja sent from the gnome underworld to eradicate the world of cheesecake by eating one slice at a time. 

I still have some memory probs, but I've been getting better every day. They said it would probably still take a bit for that to feel normal, as well as my body. Organs not failing, so, that's good.

The ICU nurses said they've never seen anyone bounce back like I have. A girl, younger than me, was still in a coma when I left ICU. She took 12 pills of one of the pills I took, and she came to the hospital still conscious. I took 90, DOA. Plus, 30 of another and 30 of another... so, about 150 pills in total.

My throat still hurts from all of the tubes being shoved down my throat.

I seem pretty okay health wise. Psych doc just changed my anti-depressant (something less lethal than TCA's, and now I'm on an SSRI). And, I have to get my prescriptions weekly now, including hormones -- 'cause, you know, they don't want me to OD on estrogen, my boobs might instantaneously grow huge and explode! *ka-boom!*

I'm also supposed to go to some therapy for a while, since I'm still on the list for DBT (Dialectic Behavoural Therapy). DBT is a therpay for people who are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The wait list here is about 2 years to get into DBT. I've been waiting a few months already. But, some fixer-up therapy ill equipped for dealing with BPD is a lot better than having nothing, eh?

To top everything off, my roomies decided to kick me out while I was in hospital and I left the hospital homeless. They were toxic anyway, and aweful. It wasn't a good place for me to be.

My friend, and one of my ex girlfriends, told her mom and her and her mom offered me a place at their place. They know me pretty well. So, things worked out on that end, although I'm still trying to get all of my stuff from my last place. o_0 But, at least I have a place to live now, and not on the streets.

My mom talked to me, as she always does, and she's glad that I lived and that I'm okay. My brother, who's been pretending I'm dead for 3 1/2 years now, actually called me today. I put him on hold while I called the pope to ensure that this was indeed a miracle. It was, signed and sealed. Apparently, he realized that he really didn't want me dead. So, we talked for an hour, and hopefully he'll continue to talk to me. There's a Santa Claus after all!

Anyway, that's the story.

Oh, yeah, and why did I attempt to kill myself. Everyone and their dog keeps asking me this, except the dog keeps going bark, bark and I don't understand him.

In all honesty, I don't really know if there's an exact reason. I guess it could be a lot of things. It wasn't because of my gender, GID, or any of that. Actually, being who I am is awesome.

Anyway, I thought I'd share this story of insanity, in case people missed me around here and were wondering what happened. But, don't worry, if I would have died, I would have come back and haunted all of you. 

--natalie

[Hannah]

I don't really know what to say...I do speak some dialects of dog though and "bark bark" is usually either some version of I Love You or something to do with cheese depending on the inflection. I'm in dbt too, for the same reason. It helps, but what the hell is this two year waiting list all about  It's based on Buddhism with a few other forms of transcendentalism mixed in. The people who truly need such therapy are going to be dead by the time their number comes up, seriously what is that?

Did they at least give you shampoo in the hospital? My hair is taking longer to recover from the nasty, watered down acidic crap they had than the rest of my body is, lol 

I'm a little jealous of the neck iv and I'm very happy you failed.

[Birdie]

Please be okay

*gentlehugs*

[Autumn]

You spent *how* long and *how much* on those boobs and vajajay?

Don't waste them like that.

[Amy85]

It's impressive how you were able to make me laugh out loud when telling a story such as that   

Glad you're feeling better.

[LordKAT]

I don't know about dog but I have been trying to learn chinchilla. I have one that talks to me everytime I'm over to her house. It would be grand to know if she is chasing me out or inviting me for tea.

Natalie,

I'm glad you made it out of your coma and pill fiasco. I can't help much with the living quarters, I have a lack of that myself at times. I can send hugs and hope you keep talking to us on this board instead of doing anything like that again.


this little guy loooks like he is praying for you. maybe that will help.

[Janet_Girl]

Natalie,

Please don't do that again, Please.  The world is a lot more interesting with you in it.  Having tried that myself, I understand the reason that we look to it.

If you need someone to talk to PM me.  I can listen really good. 

I have shoulder to cry on, arms to give you a hug, and an ear to listen.



Be Good, Be well.  My Sister
Hugs and Love
Janet

[Megan]

Wow, this story was written so lightly that I would think less serious of what just happened. I hope everything is okay... even though life can be dark (very dark;; okay really dark like pitch black and crows and maggots all over) it's still worth living to live life. There's nothing beyond death that it's so bad that life needs to be ended.

Heaven and hell, reincarnation, some form of an after life, or plain nothing

The first few can wait since it's eternity right (you can wait life is only a split second if it's eternity), but what if it's plain nothing then what's the point of that.


I once hated my life so badly (like every day), but I made a promise to God if I live this life he will have to sent me to heaven (i was like 12). Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell that much like I used too, I still keep that promise.....

When life gets me down I usually just cry, and just close my mind to my own thoughts. But I come out of it after an hour...  Then I usually listen to optimistic music, especially Ayumi Hamasaki. Her music always make me come out from severe depression to ordinary sadness.

[gothique11]

thnx everyone.

yeah, it can be hard for me to write about something depressing and very difficult, so I had to add something light to it so I wouldn't feel down again. I'm trying hard to keep positive and keep my chin up. It's a difficult road, but I'm trying to do my best.

Thnx again. Love you all,

--natalie

[Megan]

Yeah I understand that, I make my sad stories into some form of soap opera. But I write kind of like that too.... sometimes it's way too dramatic for being such a simple thing.

I like this song right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVE5JL194Rc&feature=related#

It's what I feel about the education system too.

[Hannah]

I had to add something light to it so I wouldn't feel down again. I'm trying hard to keep positive and keep my chin up.

I know how it feels to realize that nobody loves you and that you don't matter to anyone. I know I'm just letters on a screen, but to me you are a freaking inspiration and your influence through your various outlets has helped me define who I am, even moreso now that I know you aren't superhuman. So for what it's worth there is one depressed, homely ->-bleeped-<- in Oregon to whom you are very important.

I'm jazzed about your brother, just be careful about giving him too much new power to hurt you. Once the drama has passed and you're still you and he's still him I'd hate for you to be knocked back a step. Be careful about the people you trust with your feelings right now because I'm sure you know what a dangerous spot you're in. Everybody thinks just because yer out of the hospital that you're better...not.

[Laura91]

I'm glad that you are still here, Nat.

[V M]

Hi Natalie,

I'm glad you survived

I love the way you tell your story. You have a sense of humor much like mine

Your story is much like mine also. But my story has a Part II

Upon attempting again I learned some interesting things such as:

The powers that be, at their discretion can do various things such as:

A) Charge you with attempted murder
B) Make you a ward of the court
C) Commit you to the psych. ward indefinitely.

Because you are now considered a convicted criminal guess what part of the psych. ward they will put you in and who else will be there

Guess what your new friends will be thinking about the moment they see you

A much different place then the 3-4 day psych. day camp

Long story short, your better off doing the therapy

Please do not harm yourself

Who would I pal about with? 

[Alyssa M.]

What Becca said -- yeah, me too. You rock. You'e been an inspiration to me in terms of the possibilities of what it means to be a trans woman, and what it means to be a woman in general. You're the kind of person I siwh I had more of in my life.

I have two close friends that have been diagnosed with BPD, and so I have seen that struggle, but still I don't know what to say other than that I you mean a lot to me and I'm glad you're around. I'm so glad we didn't lose you.



~Alyssa

[FairyGirl]

I'll just add what others have said, you've been an inspiration to many here sweetie, maybe more than you know. I'm really, really glad you're still with us

[Janet_Girl]

Ditto

[AmySmiles]

OMG.  You totally scared the crap out of me, I was almost in shock reading that.  I know I'm a relative newbie here, but you were one of the first people I latched onto as an inspiration on this site and I'd really miss you!  Please be ok.

LOTS OF HUGS,
Kieri

[Ms.Behavin]

My first thought is Gee Natalie's back cool...   Then I read your email.  WOW.  Natalie., I for one am glad your still among  the living.  Lordy girl you don't do things in half measures, now do you.  Pm me and I'll shoot you my email and #. Girl if you need to talk, scream, chat what ever, let the sisters help if we can..

Your brave for posting and sharing.

Hang in there

Beni

[Eva Marie]

Natilie - That's almost a funny story. Almost. Until you realize that the story teller is a young lady who was trying to end her life Which is really not a funny story at all.

I have no idea of what kind of advice to offer. But I can say that i personally have enjoyed your participation here on the board, and i'd like for that to continue.

Please, find a way to deal with the issues that led up to this event. I think that I speak for everyone here in saying that we don't want another, similar, event.

You have a *lot* of friends here that want you around 

[gothique11]

Hi Natalie,

I'm glad you survived

I love the way you tell your story. You have a sense of humor much like mine

Your story is much like mine also. But my story has a Part II

Upon attempting again I learned some interesting things such as:

The powers that be, at their discretion can do various things such as:

A) Charge you with attempted murder
B) Make you a ward of the court
C) Commit you to the psych. ward indefinitely.

Because you are now considered a convicted criminal guess what part of the psych. ward they will put you in and who else will be there

Guess what your new friends will be thinking about the moment they see you

A much different place then the 3-4 day psych. day camp

Long story short, your better off doing the therapy

Please do not harm yourself

Who would I pal about with? 

Not up here -- not any more, anyway. This is also my 3rd attempt, the first being about 8 years ago. 8 years ago I spent a couple of months in the hospital psych ward and then the rest of the year in a psych institution.

The 3rd being about 10 hours before the OD attempt. I tried to hang myself, but didn't. I was then taken to hospital and held in confinement for 5 hours. I was asked at the end if I was still suicidal. I said, "Yes." They then asked if I had a plan. "Yes," I said. I was asked by two other doctors, and I said the same thing. I was then sent home, very suicidal. About 5 hours later, I OD'd.

Believe it or not, it's become common for that to happen here -- uh, hospitals sending you home. Keeping is becoming very rare, and keeping more than a week, even rarer.

Theses days, with major cuts by the government, they've been shortening stays and closed all mental institutions and hundreds of psych beds at local hospitals. They also cut SRS and a bunch of other things -- anyone who represents a vulnerable group.

the certifications laws have changed to reflect the changes. Certification is 30 days (mine was cancelled, which usually happens now, before the 30 days is up). After 30 days, they have to re-apply for 3 months, and ever three months after. It's actually really had to be committed now, even if you ask. Many people with severe mental illness are now being tossed out into the streets to be homeless.

The "short stay ward" I was in used to be be 2 weeks min to the full 30 days... it's now only 3 days max (I stayed 4, as a "rare" exception because of my physical health afterward). The ward has lost half it's staff (and beds) and the ward is now up for review as for something being cut, with only a few beds mixed in with the long-term. Long term is now a month to two months max, it used to be two months up to six. Long term has also had major cuts. It's very hard to get into the long term, you have to be very out of it and not in touch with reality at all. Most long term are now sent out into the streets. The long term patients I met were mostly homeless, and weren't well at all... most have been in and out in the same ward, a month in the hospital, three on the streets, another month in the hospital, four on the streets. 

The short term ward has almost minimal programs now, and can't even afford security. Same with the long term ward, security has been cut -- they rely on the hospital security, which can often be at the other end of the hospital... they are also under staffed.
Post Merge: December 18, 2009, 02:08:23 AM

What Becca said -- yeah, me too. You rock. You'e been an inspiration to me in terms of the possibilities of what it means to be a trans woman, and what it means to be a woman in general. You're the kind of person I siwh I had more of in my life.

I have two close friends that have been diagnosed with BPD, and so I have seen that struggle, but still I don't know what to say other than that I you mean a lot to me and I'm glad you're around. I'm so glad we didn't lose you.



~Alyssa

Thnx. you rock too!
Post Merge: December 18, 2009, 03:29:51 AM
Oh, and Certification here is involuntarily being committed. 2nd time I've had certification -- again, first time was a time when they actually did it for longer. Now, it's rare to be in for long, even though the certification laws are still 30 days, then 3 months after that for a time after a review. It's much harder to get certified and rarely is the 30 days used up now, and in only major cases will it go to review for after 30 days. I don't even think they have voluntary commitment here anymore... they just put you in lock down for a couple of hours if your a danger, and send you home, danger or not.

Half of my short term stay roomies were people staying in short term before heading off to jail. o_0 The other half were like me, and not going to jail, and attempted to hurt themselves. I got a long with everyone pretty well (I usually do). It was interesting hearing the stories about what got people to where they were, before heading off to court and jail and all that jazz. No one considered really dangerous were on my ward, mostly small time offenses.

One girl that was pretty cool got drunk and took her pills and smashed her husbands car up after she caught him cheating on her with her best friend. I gave her a high five. LOL Another girl got into a bar fight.

Come to think of it, most of the people in the ward were women -- most of the people in the psych wards (only two small ones, short and long) were women. We'd bunk up as roomies, too.

There were a couple of guys, mostly caught doing something considered small. 

Others were ppl who hurt themselves. Like another girl, who was only 15 (yeah, they cut the youth ward out and stick youth with adults now). She was cool. Her and I would go out into the hospital and do wheelchair races. After a day most people could go out and smoke and roam the entire hospital for an hour pass. Wheelchair races were the fun past time since they were plentiful and there were many long, empty halls in our part of the hospital (mostly doctor offices, who were used to seeing the psych patenients invent entertainment).

I also spent a lot of time at the coffee shop. I also had a lot of visitors. I felt bad for some people who didn't have any visitors. My visitors reminded me how loved I was and lucky that I had a lot of good friends that really cared about me.

There were also several homeless people there, as well. Again, usually caught walking the streets talking to themselves, or trying to steal bread. One guy, who was homeless, was the sweetest old guy ever and full of stories. He had schizophrenia, I believe, so it was difficult for him to live a stable life. He'd always come in and out, they'd give him food and meds that would help him stablize, and then they'd send him out in the streets... where he'd get no medication and food here and here.

There was an ex-solider there, too, who had probems after coming back from fighting in Afghanistan.

It was boring there, since they had very little for you to do. So, I loved talking to everyone and hearing their stories and telling them about my stories.