Do you ever wonder what it would be like not to give a damn?

[cocoon]

I share so many of the same feelings that many of you girls out there feel.  Like what if people really knew my secret?  If you are transitioning, I admire you.  If you have already passed from "transitioning" to living full time, well, I am quite envious.  But does it really matter if people know our secret?  Does it really matter if some idiot is unkind because we have been read?
I realize this comes from a girl who identifies herself as "cocoon," so I don't know if I have any credibility to even ask the question.  But I wanted to know if any of you had any thoughts.  Yours respectfully.

[rejennyrated]

Well I am not only past transition but I'm 25 years past SRS, and the fact is that in all that time I have seldom if ever be "read" by anyone who does not have inside knowledge.

Looking at my rather average and uspectacular photo you may wonder if I am making that up. But actually I'm not, because you see the secret of passing or not isn't so much about looking perfect, it's about attitude and self belief.

If you project someone at ease with yourself, if you genuinely do not expect to get read (and so unconsciously project that there is nothing to read), and if you don't really care anyway the chances are that, if you look even halfway female, people will take you at face value because it's much easier than trying to "read" something which from their perspective they don't know is there to "read" anyway.

My secret is that I don't try to hide my flaws, I seldom wear much makeup, I dress in a fairly middle of the road way, I am just myself. I don't TRY to pass at all, so paradoxically I just do, because people take me as a fairly ordinary down to earth slightly gender neutral woman.

Although I am technically Bi I am frequently read as a lesbian, by other lesbians including those who normally wouldn't accept a postop transwoman as a valid lesbian. But far from getting upset and pointing out that I am actually bi I take this as a huge compliment.

So far from criticising you I personally would commend you for your realistic attitude. It doesn't matter at all what others think, and once you get past the point of thinking that it does, that, in my experience, is when you start to pass pretty well.

Bottom line if someone called me sir, I would just laugh smile sweetly, maybe unbutton my coat a little and wait for the inevitable "oh I'm terribly sorry ma'am". Natal women don't get upset, it's the getting upset and maybe even correcting someone which is actually one of the real giveaways.

So I think you are absolutely right. Stop worrying and just enjoy being yourself because in the main people seem to give a hard time to those who seem unsure or over eager to impress.   "So frankly my dear I don't give a damn!"

[Janet_Girl]

cocoon is a good name for that which will become a beautiful butterfly.

I am 15 months into full time.  And I always have had that attitude that rejennyrated is talking about.  I don't care if I get 'read', although I haven't had any reasons other than I am tall. 5' 10".  If you have that genuine feeling of just being happy with yourself as a woman, people just pick up on it and move on with their little lives.

I don't dress over the top, wear 40 pounds of makeup, or wear 4 heels.  If you were to see me, it would be in jeans and a top, or maybe a sundress.  I do use makeup to camouflage flaws just as any girl would.

If asked or confronted about who I am, I am open to a discussion about being trans.  But I have never been approached.  If called 'sir', I just look down at my boobs and then to them, they usually turn red and say "Sorry".  But the last time I was called 'sir', the lady corrected herself without any prompting.

If you are just going about your life and are confident in your womanhood, people accept you on face value.  By accepting yourself for being a woman, even with faults, it goes a long way to the world accepting you as a woman.

Enjoy being the woman you were meant to be.  And I will also do the Rhett Butler ...

Frankly My Dear, I don't give a damn

Hugs and Love
Janet

[Kaori]

I am an open book.  Just having read it though, doesn't mean that you have reigns over me.

You're welcome to read into me all that you will.  Just remember, I feel, I love and I hurt.

My unknown friend.

[K8]

Cocoon,
I knew I would never be accepted as a woman but finally figured if I could just live as an obvious cross-dresser I would be happy.  I told people I figured I'd be a lot happier pretending to be a woman than I ever was pretending to be a man.  Now, eight months into full-time, everyone seems to accept me as a woman, even people I knew before transition.  (I am a woman, but I didn't expect others to see that. )

As Jenny and Janet said, it takes comfort with yourself.  In the beginning I was somewhat awkward but determined.  Now I am just Kate. 

Getting from the cocoon to the butterfly is difficult but can be done.  I think that you have to fully accept yourself first.  You have to accept that there will problems and difficulties, but that you are strong enough to overcome them and work through them.  You should accept that there very well may be people who will be mean to you or even violent.  As you ease the butterfly out of the cocoon you will get a feel for how people will treat you.  It helped me to line up some supporters.  Gather them wherever you can find them before you begin to spread your wings.

Good luck, sweetie.

- Kate

[Barbara]

too not give a damm comes with time after you have had enough with this crap that we call a consumer society .And the people who make stuff get rich (china).I worked hard to buy these high heels so i don't care who knows i am wearing them!!!!!!!!!!!

[gqueering]

I am an open book.  Just having read it though, doesn't mean that you have reigns over me..

I like this!

[cocoon]

By the way, I am ashamed to admit, I do care what people think.  But short of putting myself into a dangerous situation, there really is no reason reason to care.  I understand this intellecually, but emotionally, . . . well I am a work in progress.

[arbon]

I care way to much about what people think.

[Diane Elizabeth]

  I care so much that it messed up my life beyond belief.  I take everything too personal. 

[FairyGirl]

I don't know, since living full time for a while I've totally changed my perspective on it. I take the attitude that Jenny described, and really just don't worry about it. Heck I never worried about what people thought before, why should I now? I'm much more myself now than I was then.

Friday night we went to the premier of James Cameron's "Avatar" at the downtown Sydney IMAX in Darling Harbour, and it was packed out. (Excellent movie btw) I stood in line at the ladies room, which went from the lobby down a short flight of stairs and right up to the stalls. I went in, did my business, washed my hands and dried them, all in the midst of dozens and dozens of other women, and then strolled right our of there like I owned the place. No one ever even blinked in my direction- i.e., I didn't skulk in, hide my face, and shuffle out quickly to draw attention to myself. I was dressed in a simple semi-formal Summer evening gown with a light shawl, so many of the other women there stood out in regards to dress more than I did.

Looks are not everything; and hormones can definitely help in that department, though it isn't 100% guaranteed. Attitude and the way you carry yourself are extremely important too. As long as you are observant and try to blend in, chances are better than even that you will.

[V M]

I spent years too many giving a damn about everyone but me 

Well it's about time I gave a care about myself and how I feel

[LordKAT]

I spent years too many giving a damn about everyone but me 

Well it's about time I gave a care about myself and how I feel

100% agree.

[Lachlann]

100% agree.

Same here.

[Meshi]

After my father passed away in Feb of this yr, it changed me.  I do not care anymore of what ppl think about me do or say.  I live my life thru myself and the ppl i love.  No one else.  It is like an  uplifting feeling.  Like i do not have a conscious anymore.  Yes, i still care about ppl, but neg vibes, stares, etc..its all out the window.  I do not even care in the  least.  I could go  out tomorrow with a clown  outfit on and it would not bother me a bit what ppl thought.  I just do not care.  What i do not understand  tho  now, is why is it so important what others think, especially if it is negative??   

[Dana_W]

cocoon,

I think I get where you're coming from. For most of my life I equated others knowing who I really was with death. I didn't think I could possibly survive the shame... the hurt... the rejection.

On the other hand, in the process of coming out I've had nothing but pleasant surprises so far as people have reacted better than I ever expected. Occasionally I am chastised by my sister "stop deciding on behalf of other people that they hate you... give them their own choice." It's good advice.

[EveMarie]

Easy, I don't

I've just started my total transition, HRT forthcoming, and I'm doing it with attitude...

Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead...

U.S. Navy Admiral David Farragut

Evie