I've known that my gender was all wrong since I was about 7 years old. When the other little girls wanted to pretend to be princesses, I wanted to be a prince, when they wanted to play with dolls, I was happier playing with my little brother's rc cars, and when they would talk about growing up and having babies, I wanted to grow up to be a man. I remember asking my mom once when I would go "a pee-pee like a boy's" and her telling me I wouldn't because I was a little girl, not a little boy.
It was shortly thereafter that my mom and grandmother started trying to get me to be like the other girls. So, as society dictates, I grew up in dresses and 'pretty things' and started wearing make up. But I hated every moment of it. As soon as I was old enough to pick my own clothes I went for jeans and loose shirts that would hide my chest (which by the way, is impossible these days).
I've finally decided that I'm tired of pretending to like the make up and the glitter and the "glories of being a woman." It feels fake, it's uncomfortable, and in the end it leaves me depressed.
The problem with my decision to drop the act and be who and what I am is that I live in a very, very small town in the Bible Belt, where the smallest thing that makes you different is enough to get you attacked from all sides. My family is very traditional when it comes to sexuality, religion, and going against the grain. They have all but disowned a cousin of mine that became a lesbian, and I'd be tossing a double twist at them. I not only want to be a male, but a gay one.
I've thought it over so much that I know every angle on it. Even as far back as age 7 I knew if I were male, I'd be a homosexual. The price is supposed to rescue some damsel then wisk her away into the sunset, and I wanted to ride off with the stable boy.
Letting them know I want a sex change is hard enough, but I know it will lead to them asking if I want to be with women, and it won't get any better when I say no. My family is very anti-homo, but I think they would take it a lot better if I were just a lesbian than if they knew I wanted to be a gay man.
I can't approach the subject of the change over without it going into the question of sexuality. I know how my family works, and there is no avoiding it. I don't really know what to do or say. If I could do it without consulting them, I would. I'd get started on the smaller things that I could do without them noticing so much, like the meetings and perhaps the horomones, but when it comes to living as a male, and the sugeries, I'll not be able to hide it any longer. Of course, by then they couldn't really do anything to reverse it.
I'm up for any information or advice you have to offer. I'm desperately tired of keeping up the act, and I just want a way out.
