Have you felt you OWE your family?

[Christine Eryn]

I plan to have FFS next year, then thought about springing it on my family. It is something I know will change my appearance from night to day, and it will come out outstanding. Lately, it's been eating away at me. They've told me they love me unconditionally, but I didn't blurt out "I'M TRANS!" right there and then of course. Like I've told my therapists, they might even be supportive of me, but I can't risk the rejection. It's now something I feel at least I owe my sister, who I am currently staying with. She along with my Mom told me I can tell them anything. I've tried to picture her reactions many many times, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what I would do if she got angry. I think of what they would have said if I told them in my early years/ teens/ 20s, now I'm in my mid 30s and time waits for no one.

I've also thought of dissapearing from them just to be spiteful, as they've known about me, but I've never fully projected my brain's gender to them, but have overcompensated my given gender's outward appearance. My Mom has vehemently rejected my ways when I was young, but I think she believes I am "over it". I might send them a letter telling them I'm doing OK, getting by just fine.

I don't know how long I can push this, maybe not even for another day as I made a topic about being paraniod earlier. Now I feel they deserve to know more and more. I'm comfortable telling my situation to my therapist, doctors, am not embarrased going to get HRT meds from Wal Mart, etc. It's different with my family, ya know? They may even be benificial as far as moral support, going with me when it is surgery time, things like that. I've rarely been flamboyant around them, but I'm not going to show up in a miniskirt and say TA DAAA 

Being "this way" is something I suppressed for a LONG time, as some of you can relate to. I'm at a take it or leave it point now, I really am. Hopefully someone will understand me. 

[Dana_W]

Christine,

To me bringing your family into the loop on this stuff... at least to the extent you want to remain connected to them... definitely comes before the FFS. On the other hand I think it's perfectly valid to shut out family members from such things AFTER they have chosen to reject your path. But that shutting out comes with a whole lot of extra baggage, which needs to be thought through carefully before you do it.

The idea of springing completed FFS on your family like it's a surprise strikes me as WAY too far on the optimistic side if you expect them to continue to feel close to you.

I guess the thing that puzzles me is... where is this FFS appearing on your overall transition path? Does your family even know about your intent to transition yet? If not... in my opinion you're jumping the gun by a lot in worrying about bringing them in on the FFS before bringing them in on the transition as a whole.

[Janet_Girl]

I always felt I owed my family to remain male. And I did so for 20 years with my ex.  But it became intolerable for me to remain male, when I was really a woman.  When I finally told my ex, it became the center of many a fight.  I am freer now and she sees it.  I owed her the truth.  It would have ended the years of us being miserable.



Be true to yourself and be free.
Huggles,
Janet

[Northern Jane]

Well, for me, it was never a "secret" - pretty much the whole damned town knew from the time I was a child but it was my adopted mum who was dead-set against it and fought me every step of the way. It blew up when I was 24 and SRS became available - my mum said I'd be better off dead and disowned me - I told her to go F herself and left - nobody else was surprised - they all saw it coming. But that was a LONG time ago.

You never know what might happen if you are honest and open but at least YOUR conscience will be clear. If you hide it, everybody gets hurt.

[jesse]

You never know what might happen if you are honest and open but at least YOUR conscience will be clear. If you hide it, everybody gets hurt.

this ^

[LordKAT]

I think that it is your life. If you can deal with not having your family around, then go for it, it is riskier to have the FFS  then tell but who knows, it might just let them know how serious you are. I wouldn't say anything  to my parents, everyone else would do it for me. Why the world thinks my life is anyone's business but my own I will never know as parents haven't been a part of it for a very long time.


It would seem that you still live with your family, tha changes things.

[K8]

For me, I had to tell everyone I cared about before I did anything.  I didn't want to surprise them.  If they rejected me, fine, but I wanted to ease them into it if I could.

I felt it would be a mistake to just show up in my new look.  (I still feel that way.)  I wanted to talk to them and explain if they asked for an explanation.  I felt I owed them that much.  I wanted to give them time to get used to the idea before I actually started changing my appearance.

But that's just me.  It worked for me, but we all go about this a bit differently depending on our situations and how we feel about it.

Good luck whatever you decide.

- Kate

[icontact]

Depends how close you are to your family. Just because you are blood-related, does not mean that you are good friends with your parents, and therefore does not mean that you owe your parents any explanation if you two are not close. Just like you would owe your best friend an explanation, you owe your best family, persay, an explanation. Nobody else.

[k_tech]

concerning my parents, i feel it is something i could approach them with, should i decide that transitioning is in the future for me. i'm still not sure if i want to remain somewhere in the genderqueer/andro continuum or transition to the more masculine end of the spectrum, so i'm not rushing things.
however, i am also the primary caretaker of my grandmother, who is working very hard to recover from a severe stroke. and she simply would not understand the transition process and it would be extremely stressful and difficult for her. she has always been an extremely important person in my life and i refuse to inflict that kind of stress on her. after she passes (and i certainly hope it's not anytime soon) i feel that i can take more steps towards transition if that feels like the proper thing to do at that time. i do owe her, as she has been a wonderful advocate for me through the years. had she not had the stroke, i might have considered trying to explain my gender issues with her, but now it's out of the question.
also, if i decided to transition now, most of the family would view it as an extremely selfish act that would be traumatizing to my grandmother, and i would have to agree. so it'll have to wait. and i'm okay with that.

[aubrey]

It is not selfish to give the people closest to you the best of you. It is not selfish for them to one day end up seeing you happier than before, and be glad for you, and maybe learn something in the process.

At this age, your life is your own.

Really it sounds as if the ice has partly been broken though, and they may not be shocked?

[Christine Eryn]

Ahh, thanks for everyone's insight. After doing much thinking, I've decided to wait till I get my own place. Even then, I might just keep it "bottled up", but let me tell you, 2010 will be the year I take my next big step. 

[Radar]

Christine, I know exactly how you feel but from the other side. I fear the rejection of my family greatly. I'm completely independent, but the thought of them not in my life or have that support is overwhelming to me.

I have always acted like a male and have liked male things. My parents were O.K. with it until puberty started. Even then it's very well know I'm not very feminine acting, don't like feminine things and am clueless about many female things. My poor stepmom tried to teach me so many things. That being said I'm still seen as female to them and society.

I too am in my mid-30s and feel like time's running out and I've already wasted too much time. I also have little problem telling my psychologist, doctors and specialist about it or getting my T at Wal-Mart. You're too right in with family it's different. I've suppressed so much of myself for so long just to please people, family and society. I love letting that go and being my true self. I love being sir'd and being seen as a man! Yet, I'm still concerned what others think. You'd think at our age we'd be over that and not scared to tell family. It makes me feel weak.