How have you dealt with a life partner that didn't want you to transition?

[Florida Alex]

I have been feeling sad and rather lost these days. My life-partner, who said she would support me in my FTM transition, has now said she can't do this and doesn't want to be with a man. I think if I bring transitioning up again, she's not going to be able to handle it and possibly will leave. Like myself, she is a strong and intelligent person. She was abused by a male when she was a child. So me wanting to change from a butch lesbian to a male isn't what she wants to hear. And I understand why.
It's just that I am at a point in my life that I really need to physically become the man I was always meant to be. The feeling is kind of like a slow, heavy, freight train, and it keeps pushing me toward making the transition. But it also makes me feel uncomfortable, because I know my life is going to change. How to handle it all is more than I can fathom right now, so I am really stressed out.
My question is: How have you all handled SO's, life-partners, husbands, wives, etc, and what was the outcome? What did you do? Did you go ahead with your transition or not?

Thanks for all your answers for all of our many questions.
Regards,
Alex

[Arch]

I only know of a few guys who have transitioned and kept their relationships intact. But it seems that your SO has drawn a line in the sand. That was not my situation; I thought my ex might stay with me.

I struggled with my gender issues the whole time I was with my partner. Finally I cracked. I started counseling; he supported me in this. Perhaps he thought that if I hadn't transitioned after twenty years, I never would.

As time went by, I became certain that I had to transition--take T at least for a few months, and at least get a reduction up top so that I could "pass" more easily. We kicked around these ideas. He was not averse to a reduction, but he opposed complete removal.

I became more and more sure of what I wanted. When I told him that I wanted to start T, he was upset but stuck with me. When I did start T, my sex drive went up; he liked that but didn't like any other aspects of transition. Then I told him that I was researching surgeons for top surgery, and he became even more upset. He broke up with me not long after.

I kept him in the loop as much as possible. I invited him to support groups and offered to introduce him to a successful post-transition couple. I got him a referral to a therapist. He didn't take advantage of these resources. If he had, he might have been able to work through his issues, but probably not. He just doesn't want to be with a man.

I wish I had been able to go more slowly. I know that some people slow down for the sake of their partners. I just couldn't manage to do that. I had struggled for too long, and I was TIRED. I did delay starting T (for a couple of months), but only because I was scared of losing my partner. I didn't hold off for his sake but for mine.

If you are sure you want to transition, I suggest that you get your affairs in order before you start. If you have joint finances, disentangle them. Be ready and able to move out on short notice. But be kind and understanding. This is immensely hard on SOs.

[gqueering]

She was abused by a male when she was a child. So me wanting to change from a butch lesbian to a male isn't what she wants to hear. And I understand why.

Has she had therapy to come to terms with the child abuse? She's come to terms with it when she realises that it's not 'men' who abuse, but individuals who want power over others (women abuse too). Could the two of you get couples counselling?
I guess in the end, if she's a lesbian then she'll want to be with a woman. I don't envy your situation.

[EveMarie]

My last 2 wives were at first understanding and somewhat accepting, but a funny thing happened on the way through life. In each relationship my wife's mother passed away, and the 180° turn in attitude was a slap in the face, that's why they are both "Ex" wives. I think my mom summed it up nicely, "You're just not marriage material..."

hugs, Evie

[Florida Alex]

I only know of a few guys who have transitioned and kept their relationships intact. But it seems that your SO has drawn a line in the sand. That was not my situation; I thought my ex might stay with me.

I struggled with my gender issues the whole time I was with my partner. Finally I cracked. I started counseling; he supported me in this. Perhaps he thought that if I hadn't transitioned after twenty years, I never would.

As time went by, I became certain that I had to transition--take T at least for a few months, and at least get a reduction up top so that I could "pass" more easily. We kicked around these ideas. He was not averse to a reduction, but he opposed complete removal.

I became more and more sure of what I wanted. When I told him that I wanted to start T, he was upset but stuck with me. When I did start T, my sex drive went up; he liked that but didn't like any other aspects of transition. Then I told him that I was researching surgeons for top surgery, and he became even more upset. He broke up with me not long after.

I kept him in the loop as much as possible. I invited him to support groups and offered to introduce him to a successful post-transition couple. I got him a referral to a therapist. He didn't take advantage of these resources. If he had, he might have been able to work through his issues, but probably not. He just doesn't want to be with a man.

I wish I had been able to go more slowly. I know that some people slow down for the sake of their partners. I just couldn't manage to do that. I had struggled for too long, and I was TIRED. I did delay starting T (for a couple of months), but only because I was scared of losing my partner. I didn't hold off for his sake but for mine.

If you are sure you want to transition, I suggest that you get your affairs in order before you start. If you have joint finances, disentangle them. Be ready and able to move out on short notice. But be kind and understanding. This is immensely hard on SOs.

[Miniar]

If someone wants you to suffer, to sacrifice yourself, for the sake of their "comfort" then it's not "you" that they love. It's their idea of who you should be that they are infatuated with.
If she loved you, she'd leave you rather than ask you not to transition for her sake. She'd shove you off to be yourself and recognize that you aren't what she can be with, that is to say, if she can't be with any man at all.

Likewize, you can't love her and make yourself miserable for her at the same time because no one wants to be with someone who's utterly miserable for our own sake. Would you want to be with her if she were a completely miserable person and it was in some way because of you?

I know it's a little harsh, but you know I'm right.
If you live a lie for someone else then you're doing both yourself and her a disservice.

In these situations, the sad truth is that the right thing to do is explain why, say goodbye, and hope you can stay friends afterwards.
It's no one's fault. Make sure she knows she's not to blame for anything but don't take any blame for this either.
Sometimes things just don't work out.

[Florida Alex]

Hi Arch,
Thanks for sharing your life experiences with me. 

I know I have to go to counseling to start the ball rolling on all of this. Thank you again.
Regards,
Alex

I only know of a few guys who have transitioned and kept their relationships intact. But it seems that your SO has drawn a line in the sand. That was not my situation; I thought my ex might stay with me.

I struggled with my gender issues the whole time I was with my partner. Finally I cracked. I started counseling; he supported me in this. Perhaps he thought that if I hadn't transitioned after twenty years, I never would.

As time went by, I became certain that I had to transition--take T at least for a few months, and at least get a reduction up top so that I could "pass" more easily. We kicked around these ideas. He was not averse to a reduction, but he opposed complete removal.

I became more and more sure of what I wanted. When I told him that I wanted to start T, he was upset but stuck with me. When I did start T, my sex drive went up; he liked that but didn't like any other aspects of transition. Then I told him that I was researching surgeons for top surgery, and he became even more upset. He broke up with me not long after.

I kept him in the loop as much as possible. I invited him to support groups and offered to introduce him to a successful post-transition couple. I got him a referral to a therapist. He didn't take advantage of these resources. If he had, he might have been able to work through his issues, but probably not. He just doesn't want to be with a man.

I wish I had been able to go more slowly. I know that some people slow down for the sake of their partners. I just couldn't manage to do that. I had struggled for too long, and I was TIRED. I did delay starting T (for a couple of months), but only because I was scared of losing my partner. I didn't hold off for his sake but for mine.

If you are sure you want to transition, I suggest that you get your affairs in order before you start. If you have joint finances, disentangle them. Be ready and able to move out on short notice. But be kind and understanding. This is immensely hard on SOs.

Post Merge: December 23, 2009, 11:51:20 AM
Yes the words are very tough to hear, but they're true.

I don't want to "explain why and say goodbye" to her though. She says she knows I'm her soulmate, so maybe she'll begin to look at it differently if she can do just that. Look into my soul and know that's who she really fell in love with.
Thanks for your honest response Miniar.
Regards,
Alex

If someone wants you to suffer, to sacrifice yourself, for the sake of their "comfort" then it's not "you" that they love. It's their idea of who you should be that they are infatuated with.
If she loved you, she'd leave you rather than ask you not to transition for her sake. She'd shove you off to be yourself and recognize that you aren't what she can be with, that is to say, if she can't be with any man at all.

Likewize, you can't love her and make yourself miserable for her at the same time because no one wants to be with someone who's utterly miserable for our own sake. Would you want to be with her if she were a completely miserable person and it was in some way because of you?

I know it's a little harsh, but you know I'm right.
If you live a lie for someone else then you're doing both yourself and her a disservice.

In these situations, the sad truth is that the right thing to do is explain why, say goodbye, and hope you can stay friends afterwards.
It's no one's fault. Make sure she knows she's not to blame for anything but don't take any blame for this either.
Sometimes things just don't work out.

[myles]

My SO and I are still together. I think the fact that she is bisexual has helped the situation. We have been together over 15 years and I am done with my transition as far as I am concerned, top surgery and T.  There are tough times but we talk a lot and go to therapy when needed. Keeping th elines of communication open is the most important.
Good Luck, sorry no good words of advice
Myles Andrew

[Arch]

but don't take any blame for this either.

This has a hard lesson for me, even though I came out more than a year and a half ago. Perhaps some of it's egotism, but I often still feel blameworthy. I guess it doesn't help that he openly blamed me for a long time. And that's cruel. He made me feel that if I just fought a little longer, I could beat GID and live a normal life. But that like telling a paralyzed kid that if he only believed hard enough, he could get out of that wheelchair and walk.

Alex, I echo Chris. If you think you might stay together, please get into couples counseling. And if your ex hasn't resolved her abuse issues, I hope she does. I buried mine, and it didn't get me anywhere but all twisted up inside.

The talking cure is not for everyone, but when it works, it's very good. And it's worth trying if you haven't already tried it.

[Florida Alex]

Thanks again for your words of wisdom Arch. Much food for thought.
Regards,
Alex

This has a hard lesson for me, even though I came out more than a year and a half ago. Perhaps some of it's egotism, but I often still feel blameworthy. I guess it doesn't help that he openly blamed me for a long time. And that's cruel. He made me feel that if I just fought a little longer, I could beat GID and live a normal life. But that like telling a paralyzed kid that if he only believed hard enough, he could get out of that wheelchair and walk.

Alex, I echo Chris. If you think you might stay together, please get into couples counseling. And if your ex hasn't resolved her abuse issues, I hope she does. I buried mine, and it didn't get me anywhere but all twisted up inside.

The talking cure is not for everyone, but when it works, it's very good. And it's worth trying if you haven't already tried it.

[jesse]

im in same boat i have a wife of 25 years i have started to put some distance between us for onething ive recently told her of my feelings towards guys she is deeply religous and that opened a riff to wide to span but at least she is understanding we will be divorced as soon as it can be arranged she will keep the family home as i can not and will not force the issue any other way this is my issue that has been dumped on her do to my own inability to come to terms with it sooner
jessica

[Florida Alex]

Hi Jessica,
Thanks for sharing your very personal life experience with me. 25 years is a very long time together - hopes and dreams that you've shared, family and friends. That has to be so very difficult.

I continue to have hope that my life-partner and I will stay together because we are soulmates.

I'm not changing the sex that I'm attracted to. I have always been attraced to women - since I was 12 years olf. Do you think this makes a difference?

I know I'd be changing my own sex from female to male. However, she dated men into her late twenties and but has considered herself lesbian for the past 20 years. She is very feminine.

And, at first, she did say she would stand by me, so could there be a chance it would work out for us. I pray to G-d it does.

[Florida Alex]

Thanks so much Valerie. I hope you have a wonderful transition and a supportive person or persons along the way. As for me I vascilate back and forth with all of my emotions. I want to make the transition and know who I am, but I love my life partner.

Thanks for your wonderful words of comfort and encouragement at such a rough time. I haven't been to any meetings yet, but someday I will. I'm really uncomfortable about the leap right now. My partner knew and saw I was very different than anyone she had been with. I have discussed my wanting to transition throughout our relationship also. But she won't budge on supporting me while I change physically into a man. So I kind of feel like I'm doing this weird balancing act or like I'm living in a fog. It infiltrates all aspects of my life.

I'm very happy for you that you are moving in the direction you want to go. And that you won't compromise on becoming who you are inside.

Regards,
Alex

Hi Alex. It is sad, as you said, I am sorry you are going through this. I send you a big hug, you are not alone.

A partner, somehow makes it better (or easier in some ways) and worse at the same time. Sharing something so personal, so big with a caring partner is very wonderful and special. But can it work through all the stages of transition, as both partners true needs come out as part of the process. It forces us to continually examine the relationship, which is difficult on an emotional level.

I am in that painful place as well now. I am dealing with it by taking it a day at a time, reminding myself we are both doing the best we can and that we love and care for each other. Even with that knowledge, it is difficult and painful to the point of barely being able to write this. It is a problem that takes so much personal energy and lessens the joy of transition. I am at a stage in my transition and GID where I cannot or won't compromise. Transition doesn't come without cost and I have learned that not everything can be shared. I cannot put myself in a position to needing another person's permission to be myself, of giving them that power to decide who I am. We do what we must, through transition choosing life instead of that awful alternative. An awareness has come in spite of all the long talks and sharing, that my partner does not truly understand the pain I am in with my gender identity and coping with society ...as she counsels compromise.

My partner and I have been living together for 4 years and married for 15 months. I came out to her soon into the relationship and she didn't run away. She knew when we met I was not a typical boy, she says she saw me as a feminine male and probably gay, deep down. (Our relationship was not sexual based). When I came out to her, she said it made sense. She was very supportive in my coming out and and very helpful with my self-acceptance journey, helpful in so many ways. She attended my first trans group with me and my first steps out into the world, beside me the whole time. She continued to support me through my transition at work, changing my legal name and living full-time as a woman in society. Teaching me daily about female life, fashion, makeup. She has been so important to me and made a huge difference in the quality of my transition.

We believed even through transition that we could have a future together, by making our own rules up as we went, in some kind of unique, open relationship. I believed that she accepted me and so we agreed to marry, and because it wasn't sexual-based it could be something different, based on friendship and shared support of each other.

The big BUT for me, which is likely true for many of us, is the surgery. She wants me to wait, for when she hasn't told me, just not now. She says if I decide to go forward now she won't support me and that I will have to do it alone or without her. It is such a curveball to me, I always thought she supported it, we talked about it many times. I explained to her how scared I was of the surgery, how major it was, and if I had to go alone I don't know if I can forgive her.

To answer your question, after my long-winded post, I have been clear to my partner, and continue to be clear, that I will complete my surgery and that I will do it as soon as possible, with or without her. I dislike intensely being a mixed gender, living as a woman with both boy and girl parts. I won't be happy until my body is whole. And that's the issue, she wonders why I am unable to accept all of myself, including my genitals, that I should be able to accept myself through self-love. Though she is an MD, she doesn't buy into the concept of GID, which is stunning to me after all the time we have been together. My thinking now is maybe she took me on as a personal project ...to fix me. It is an impasse and I don't think we will ever reach agreement. I am coming to accept that.

I realize more than ever that transition is a personal thing, an active thing that doesn't happen on it's own. After a lifetime of people-pleasing and co-dependence, I cannot accept needing another's permission to realize my dreams, to right what is wrong, nor should anyone.

And yet, I am still hopeful it will work out.

I also live in Florida btw, in WPB. Maybe we've run into each other at a meeting?

Best of luck to you.