I need some advice.

[junpei]

Hi. I had a conversation with my mom about a week ago about what being "transgendered" means to me. I quite literally poured my heart out. Now, my mother has been very accepting of me, but she can't support me and when I go and do things on my own, she feels left out of my life [I live at home]. She tells me I'm going to fast. She also mentioned a couple of things that bothered me, namely: that she was waiting for me to become more flexible [aka waiting for me to be able to be a girl but gender fluid], that I was too young to be able to make decisions properly, and that I had spent the last couple of years going through mental illness [which I have] and this was just me "going through the DMS-IV" again. She also mentioned someone we had seen on a house-buying show who I would have thought was a guy except for the voice and that they were reffered to as she. My mom said she looked sad, and that I looked sad when I tried to dress masculinely. I got really mad, but I knew it wasn't reasonable to get mad at her for her feelings, so I stewed for a couple of days, and ended up yelling at a window when no one was around.
Everytime my mom brings up how I couldn't be transgendered, I start questioning. I know I'm a boy, I've always been a boy, but I didn't start to despise my body until I realized it. I feel so right as George, I like mens clothes and always have, but all of these things fly right out of my mind with the thought that I could just be a girl and get over myself. But I know that when I can't hold the facade anymore, I'll break down. So I put on my [lack of] binding, tuck my shirts in and wear my boxers.
But for chirstmas, I had left my sports bras somehwere, so I tossed on my last real bra, some pants and a shirt. I stepped out and looked in the mirror and it was... weird seeing my chest like that. But all day, I kept coming back to the mirror, because there was something "right" about the way I looked, just as "right" as looking like a boy. Later, I put on my most feminine suit jacket to see if it would fit. When I bought it last summer, I couldn't button it for anything. Now it fit perfectly. All night people told me I had lost weight, and that I looked good. I felt beautiful for the first time in such a long time. All I could notice was my waistline, my hourglass figure. I wanted to cry, and I still do, because I don't understand. How can I want to be a girl and a boy at the same time? I've already taken the first steps into the world of transition, can I go back in the way people see me? Can I live in-between? I don't think I would stop asking people to call me George, because it's alreay become my name and I love it.
I would ask my therapist for help, but I can't get her until January and she doesn't know a thing about gender [she's my mental health therapist]. Anybody got any ideas?

[june bug]

It's definitely a tough life living outside the line of gender stereotypes, even amongst the trans community in which there are still many who see things as being fairly black and white (from my experience).

I think you should definitely explore your feelings in regards to the possibility of identifying as being intergendered, and most of all you shouldn't feel _shame_ for the idea of living between the lines.

On the other hand, if the feelings you are getting as a "woman" come from the pleasure provided to you by pleasing the people around you, but ultimately at the end of the day you still feel unsatisfied, it could be that you are holding on to that former self in fear of losing the connection with people around you... at least, that is my own experience to some degree.

More than anything, definitely don't ignore these feelings.  I've found that taking some serious time to mull them over and let your mind and emotions wander around those areas in your mind that are muddled will eventually lead to clarity. 

Don't forget... you are what you are regardless of what other people say you should be!  Don't give in to the ideals put on you by the world.  This is your life and YOU get to choose what's right for you, regardless what other people think!

[Barbara]

hey!!!!!!!! .lemme' tell you something,you need a place to live then you can live with me.The dsm ( diagnostic and statiscal manual of mental disorders) was written in the 1960's( i think).there is nothing wrong with you !!!!!!!!!!!!!.I'ts probably that they don't love you but they just can't understand.And they are looking in the wromg places for information

[gqueering]

Hey George, I'm sorry you're feeling confused and frustrated.  The thing is, there are no easy answers in life (yes, it's a cliche but it's true). So you need to take your time figuring things out. I know you want to have an exact answer re. your gender NOW, but it doesn't always work that way. Take your time and explore the possibilities. Don't pressure yourself to have all the answers. Let your mum and others think what they like - you are young and have the right to make mistakes and learn from them. Be a boy, be a girl, be androgyne, be whatever you feel like being.... one day it will all come together for you.

Here's a feel-good song for you....

[justmeinoz]

At your age I was nearly as confused as you. Now 40 years later I am finally seeing through the fog.  I know if you were my child I would want you to be truly happy, but would also be concerned if you had not been well, and need reassurance myself that this was all part of an improvement in your situation.

It is possible that you will be one of those here who change a lot, and that's okay.  I find myself reacting with what are stereotypical female emotions a lot at the moment, and am comfortable with it now.

As for the body, you are at the stage where everything is changing, so maybe it is possible to treat things as a new experience to be explored and enjoyed. I think your parents would be reassured that you are able to open up to them about what is going on, even if they don't agree.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, I know because I was there too.