I hate my body - and other gender self-pity

[janet]

When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see Janet - I see an obese bald guy, and I feel like I'll never make it to transitioning.  I know that genetic females can pass as female at 215 pounds on a 5' 7" frame, but it seems to me, at least with my less than stellar breast development that I would have no chance of passing at this weight.  I'm working on the weight - I've lost 19 pounds with only 75 to go, but some times I don't think that I'll ever get there and then I get to feeling that even losing the weight won't help.  Also, being told that "women come in all shapes and sizes" (conversation on Friday) doesn't help one bit - it makes me feel that losing the weight is just a band-aid and that I'll still be unpassable at 140 even with finished electrolysis and hair.

I had a huge attack of this last night, and I know three of the causes.  First, this has been a very frustrating and disappointing week at work (long story about dead servers...) and that dissapointment came to a head last night.  Second, I went to a lecture on Friday by a gender therapist working with trans kids, and I felt massive gender envy, regret and self pity hearing about her work with 11 to 16 year olds, getting them on hormone blockers at 11 and transitioned and on hormones by 16.  A cannot even imagine how different my life could have been if I had made a resolute move toward transition at a younger age.

However, I know that the biggest factor is that I've only been out dressed as Janet once in the past 18 months.  I've got almost nothing to wear at my current weight, and I just don't want to be seen in a dress at this weight.  I've been living my life in boy drag and even though I'm getting my electrolysis done it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to transition than I was 6 years ago when I started hormones.  Also, my partner had talked about going to a community event last night and I didn't want to be seen - either as an obese Janet or as an obese bald  guy.

Sigh.  I had a little cry last night, and I'm still feeling it this morning.

Janet

[tinkerbell]

 

When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see Janet

You still don't see her, but you know she is there.  Just look into her eyes and you will see her soul.  The rest is just a matter of time.

I have to congratulate you for posting what you did.  It takes courage to point out our weaknesses.

I am also very glad to know you are losing weigh; it will help you a great deal to achieve your goals more successfully, not only as far as passing, but also as far as being healthy.

Now I have to mention one thing though.  It would seem that you are not giving yourself credit for all the things you have done so far.  From this post alone I can see that you: are on hormones, are currently employed, have lost 19 pounds, are having electrolysis treatments, seeing a therapist.........if I may, I have to say that you are on your way despite the fact that you think otherwise. 

My advice would be to keep losing the weigh, for this is not only healthy but it can help you find the appropriate clothing to wear.  In the meantime, you can always find some department stores online which carry a great selection of plus-size women's clothes (i.e. www dot lanebryant dot com, www dot hsn dot com, www dot spiegel dot com) and lingerie.

Like I said on another thread, you are on your way, it is just a matter of clearing the rocks and stones from your path.


tinkerbell

[Nero]

When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see Janet - I see an obese bald guy, and I feel like I'll never make it to transitioning. 

Awww.

I know that genetic females can pass as female at 215 pounds on a 5' 7" frame, but it seems to me, at least with my less than stellar breast development that I would have no chance of passing at this weight. 

I'm not so sure about that. You're short, and if you wore breastforms, you might just appear to be a heavy woman. Especially since you've been on hormones for years.

Also, my partner had talked about going to a community event last night and I didn't want to be seen - either as an obese Janet or as an obese bald  guy.

Sigh.  I had a little cry last night, and I'm still feeling it this morning.

Janet

I feel for you Janet.

[Julie Marie]

Janet, you sound like me, picking myself apart until I'm nothing.  And where does that get us?

I had a conversation with my sister last night.  She used to be a Playboy bunny but now is over weight and unhappy with her looks.  I told her of how I was trying on one outfit after another and I looked like crap.  She talked of how Halloween was such a big production for her forever but last night she just threw on some things and for once she felt at peace.  She didn't care if she was the best dressed or not.  She was just going to have fun. 

Then it came to me.  I was trying to make myself into something I was not.  I think I've been reading too many Victoria Secret magazines because I've been totally despondent about my body lately.  So I just decided to make the best of what I've got.  And when I was done I found myself smiling at the image in the mirror.

I saw a "What Not To Wear" episode recently where they found the three worst dressed bachelorettes in the country.  I looked at them and thought "No way!"  They all were lost causes.  I watched the first one's transformation and I was shocked at how good she looked after they were done with her.  Even though she was overweight she looked stunning!  All it took was the right clothes...  Okay, and a good makeup artist but that's our speciality.

While you are going through the weight loss process find the right clothes to make you look your best.  And when you reach the next milestone award yourself with a new, smaller sized, outfit.  That can be your motivation.  Don't think about where you want to be in a year or even a month but rather how you want to FEEL tomorrow.  Did you cave and eat a gallon of ice cream or did you keep on track?  And remember to reward yourself with something.  A weight loss professional once said to make sure you have 18 good meals a week.  The other three you can spoil yourself.

Wishing you the best,
Julie

[janet]

Now I have to mention one thing though.  It would seem that you are not giving yourself credit for all the things you have done so far.  From this post alone I can see that you: are on hormones, are currently employed, have lost 19 pounds, are having electrolysis treatments, seeing a therapist.........if I may, I have to say that you are on your way despite the fact that you think otherwise.

Thanks, Tinkerbell - I needed that reminder.  I heard the same thing from my partner last night, and I need to hear it here as well.  Thanks again.

Did you cave and eat a gallon of ice cream or did you keep on track?

Julie, I didn't pick up the food or pick up a drink.  Of the two, I think drinking was more on my mind than eating (scary thought, but my food abstinence is such a habit now that it's almost automatic).  I didn't pick up either because I really don't like going back to pick up desire chips, and because I'm totally clear that my forward motion will stop if I pick up.

There's another factor which comes to mind and this is about the food.  Yesterday was my 2 month anniversary for the food - 2 months out of sugar and flour, planning my food and eating my plan and not eating between meals no matter what.  Getting a little crazy at anniversary time is a pretty common thing.

Thanks for all the support,
Janet

[Melissa]

I'm sorry about the baldness, but a wig would be able to remedy that quickly.  Get a quality one though, so you're less likely to be read.  I used to weigh 210 pounds, so you are not really that much.  I currently weigh about 180 and not only do I pass well, but people actually are finding me sexy as I found out last night.  My point is, that I believe we all have the capacity within ourselves to be attractive.  There are many people in this world and somebody is bound to be attracted to you in some manner.

Melissa

[Melissa]

It would be nice to be able to buy a pill, swallow it and poof! you're a woman, but even GG's don't have it that easy.

I would say that even if you could swallow a pill and be a woman, you still have so far to go mentally.  My body seemed to transition much faster than I expected and now I'm left with my mind catching up to it.  Relax, take time, and enjoy the ride.  Don't get too far ahead of youself.

Melissa

[HelenW]

Hi, Janet!

About that obese bald guy - I see him too!  He always makes me shudder and sigh, by the way.

But, part of my growth, I believe, is to learn to see myself in there, even if he's still blocking me most of the time.  I just started HRT 7 weeks ago and my belly is still way bigger than my chest ^*sigh* so when I go out en femme I use breast forms.  And you have gone much further than I already, I'm sure it won't take too long before you begin to see what you want in the mirror.

I'm beginning to try to lose some of my extra weight and I'm having trouble coming up with a plan that works, you've lost 19 pounds already!?  That's awsome!  I'm sure you look alot better now than you did at 234.

As I said, I see that guy too.  I think to fully pass I'll need FFS and I can't imagine how I will get there since my SO is still against my getting electrolysis (she said I could get it if I wanted to be single  )  Maybe some relatively minor procedures (rhinoplasty and a brow lift maybe) will get you closer?  Those are the first two that I would get.

I'm very happy you found us and decided to join up, Janet!  I hope you find as much support and friendship here as I have.  I'll be looking forward to reading more posts from you and I'm happy to say,

WELCOME ! ! 

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Janet,

   I can relate to your situation. What's even wierder is that I've been working on server issues for the past week too. I kind of hate servers at this point in my life.

   Anyway, in relation to your post. It sounds like you may be having too many issues coming together at the same time. Fixating on the chance to transition when you were young is a regret that will lead you nowhere. I know what you mean by feeling envy and regret about it, but it's in the past and we all have to work with what we have now. When I was young, there wasn't a chance that I'd be allowed to transition because we had no money, I don't think they transitioned kids back in the 1970s, and I never would have been allowed to do it anyway. Sometimes I think about how nice it would have been, but I use it as a "what could have been" fantasy and I don't let it bother me because it was beyond my control.
   I agree with some of the other responses that you are doing well in your weight loss. It may not be happening fast enough for you, but it is happening. The only advice I have is a little different than you may have heard from others. laying off sugar and bread (except for the occasion treat) is a good place to start, but I went one step further by only eating chicken, fish, or turkey for meats. Basically, I decided to not eat mammals and my weight dropped a little and stays manageable. If you eat any of the red meats, try for small portions with the least amount of fat possible. This is just advice, of course.

   I'm still working on how far I'm going to go in "presentation" and it sounds like you're already going good if you've been out before in girl mode. Remember that many Genetic Girls also have image issues and this may be harder for you because you have a bigger barrier between who you are and who you will be presenting as. But body issue is a problem for all women, born and made. It's not just you. There are many others with whom you share those concerns with. Don't let it overwhelm you.

   It sounds like you let the negatives get the better of you. Now it's time for you to reassess your positives and then use them to keep your self on the right path. It is good to have a cry now and then isn't it, though?

  Take care of yourself, don't let work stress mix in with your regular personal stress if possible.


Best wishes,
Rebecca

[Genevieve]

Welcome Janet,

I know what you're going through, up to and including dead servers. We've all had horrible weeks. I don't say that to in any way to demean what you are going through though.

I'm still very new to all of this.

I had wanted very badly to start working on my transition with my last paycheck. Then, I received the news that my lawyer wanted a sum much larger than my paycheck to get the visitation set up with my son whom I love very deeply. It took all of my savings and most of my paycheck to cover. I spent a week crying at night because I couldn't even see my gender therapist, who has become my anchor in reality. I only get paid once a month, so even now I still have till the 22nd of November and am totally broke. If it weren't for the kindness and care of my sister, I would be in real trouble.

I have felt so lost. I am able to do nothing of what I had wanted.

Then, I realized I needed to count my blessings and do what ever small things I could to keep myself moving forward. I work with what little makeup I have, practicing for when I can afford what I need. I wear what little female clothing I have in the evenings. I've gotten back to slowly loosing weight. I'm writing my feelings in my journal. For now, it's the little things that are sustaining me. I know the future holds great promise, even if I get lost in my current moment.

My female name is known to me. I look into the mirror and don't see her there in total sometimes, but I do see her in little things. My smile, the softness of my hair, the silky feel of my skin when I've shaved and lotioned my legs, and definitely in my soft hazel eyes. I know she's there and she wants to come out. More importantly, I know she is me and she is who I want to be.

Janet, just do what you can. Take every small step forward that you are able to. Feel joy and pride in each of them. Your weight loss is a huge accomplishment, be proud and feel the joy in it. Every step forward is important and keeps us going through those times when it only seems we're moving backwards. The process is slow but the end result will be worth living our lives for.

Take joy where you find it.

*hugs*

Genevieve

[Melissa]

About the regret of not transitioning a while back.  I can really relate.  Even though people on here would still consider me young, There was a point in my life when I was 20 that if I had only done some research, I could have figured out I was TS and looked into transitioning back then.  I do truly regret that, but at the same time I don't regret it.  I'll tell you why.  We all choose different paths in life.  Some paths have gains and some losses.  If I had transitioned back then I may have not learned as much or had as good of a job.  I learned a lot, because that's how I kept my mind off gender issues.  There must have been some gain in your male life that could help you towards transitioning.  The secret to not having regret is to take what you have and make the best of it and realize that you ended up this far along in the path of life because of choices you made in life.  You will have certain gains that you would not have had otherwise if you had made different decisions.  It could be worse.  You could have started 10 years later.

Gather round kids and I'll tell you the secret of life:
Being an optimist. 

Melissa

[Kendall]

I battle the same challenges. Although I am not TS,  weight and hair loss is two things I have to always consider in my life. I can imagine how much more it must mean when trying to fully pass. Thanks for making this post and telling the truth.

Ken/Kendra