Well...hello....
I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place.... I'm just desperately looking for answers....
Where to begin...uhm....
Well I am 19 and female, and I think I have a lot of symptoms that relate to GID. I was devastated when I became adolescent. People told me I would grow out of it. I don't think I'm growing out of it though.... The hate/disgust/grief is still there, I hate being female. I don't want to ignore it anymore, I'm tired of ignoring it.
When I was just a kid I didn't really have an issue with it, but I remember looking at grown females and feeling frightened that I might become that one day. I've also always been rather tomboyish. I don't understand the point of makeup or high heels or anything like that. I do wear jewelry however, but it's more of an artistic expression thing than an "these-earrings-make-me-look-cute" thing. I don't try on jewelry before I buy it, I just find one I think is artistic/cool and I just buy it. I don't even hold earrings up to my ears in a mirror or anything.
I used to have really long hair, but I always hated it. When you're a kid you don't really have a say about how short you want your hair.... But I've started buzzing it real short, I really like it that way. Most of my friends are males; I don't really understand other girls. I love being outdoors, I don't at all care about getting dirty. I don't like looking in the mirror for some reason....
I also have really bad menstrual cramps, and I think a lot of the pain comes from my fear/dysphoria of being female....
People always just tell me that I'm just angsty and I'll grow out of it, but I'm realizing that it's really not that, this has gone on for too long and it's too strong.... I have a level of dysphoria about femaleness that MOST girls don't have, it's not just a "oh periods are so gross i hate being a girl" thing, it's like a very deep horror about everything female that I have....
So recently I went online and started looking for answers.... People told me it sounded like gender dysphoria or GID.
And that's how I ended up here, I think all the symptoms I've listed above are common in TG people.
There's just a FEW problems I have with this though, and I'm getting scared because it seems to me that nobody has this same issue that I have. I've been looking through this forum and you all seem very friendly though, so maybe you can help me
But here's the thing - I'm not a male in a female body, and I'm not 3rd gender person/angrogynous.
So...yeah...confused.... I don't think I'd be any happier in a male body. And I don't think that I'd be any happier in an androgynous body either. Oh and, I don't think I'm a crossdresser either, I just wear whatever I want, I have girl clothes and boy clothes and I just wear whatever is comfortable, although I do try to make an effort to make sure people know I'm a girl when I go in public. With the buzz cut I usually have some jewelry because if I don't people will call me "sir" and that bothers me. I've never wanted to "be a boy" for a day or anything. I'm totally fine with being seen as a tomboy, but just as long as it doesn't cross the line into just "boy". I want people to know I'm female. Even though I despise it.... Dunno if that's an indication of anything....
What I THINK I want, essentially...is just to be able to like/accept/embrace being female. Some of you might tell me that I'm in denial or something.... But I really think that's what I want....
So I don't even know if I'm on the right track with thinking I have some degree of GID. I HAVE a female body, I feel extremely dysphoric about it, but I have it, and I WANT to be able to accept that I'm female, but there's a block there, there's something that just won't let me. And again this REALLY isn't the normal angst you see in girls where they're like "omg my stomach isn't flat enough, my boobz aren't big enough", it's much deeper and intense than that.
And I'm a very spiritual person too, I feel like there is some kind of sacred power inherent in being female. Maybe that sounds stupid but idk. But that power is being blocked, I can't access it because I hate it.
Confusing? Ugh sorry....
I'm just looking for answers...do you guys know what's wrong with me maybe?
I expect a lot of you will tell me to see a gender therapist...I would, but I haven't the money. Not even for the cheap student ones that're only like $5 a session. I have NO money at all to spare for that, soo...yeah for now the internet is gonna have to do....
Anyways...it's taken a lot of time for me to get the courage up to go out looking for help about this...if anybody knows what I'm talking about or can point me in the right direction....
Thanks
Alexandra
urg that turned out really long....
(oh yeah just 1 more thing sorry, maybe I should also mention I'm also very heterosexual, although I tend to like sort of metrosexual/feminine guys, I dunno if that means anything, w/e the more info the better I guess, ok I'm done for real now XD )
