Well...hello....

I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place.... I'm just desperately looking for answers....

Where to begin...uhm....

Well I am 19 and female, and I think I have a lot of symptoms that relate to GID. I was devastated when I became adolescent. People told me I would grow out of it. I don't think I'm growing out of it though.... The hate/disgust/grief is still there, I hate being female. I don't want to ignore it anymore, I'm tired of ignoring it.

When I was just a kid I didn't really have an issue with it, but I remember looking at grown females and feeling frightened that I might become that one day. I've also always been rather tomboyish. I don't understand the point of makeup or high heels or anything like that. I do wear jewelry however, but it's more of an artistic expression thing than an "these-earrings-make-me-look-cute" thing. I don't try on jewelry before I buy it, I just find one I think is artistic/cool and I just buy it. I don't even hold earrings up to my ears in a mirror or anything.

I used to have really long hair, but I always hated it. When you're a kid you don't really have a say about how short you want your hair.... But I've started buzzing it real short, I really like it that way. Most of my friends are males; I don't really understand other girls. I love being outdoors, I don't at all care about getting dirty. I don't like looking in the mirror for some reason....

I also have really bad menstrual cramps, and I think a lot of the pain comes from my fear/dysphoria of being female....

People always just tell me that I'm just angsty and I'll grow out of it, but I'm realizing that it's really not that, this has gone on for too long and it's too strong.... I have a level of dysphoria about femaleness that MOST girls don't have, it's not just a "oh periods are so gross i hate being a girl" thing, it's like a very deep horror about everything female that I have....

So recently I went online and started looking for answers.... People told me it sounded like gender dysphoria or GID.

And that's how I ended up here, I think all the symptoms I've listed above are common in TG people.

There's just a FEW problems I have with this though, and I'm getting scared because it seems to me that nobody has this same issue that I have. I've been looking through this forum and you all seem very friendly though, so maybe you can help me

But here's the thing - I'm not a male in a female body, and I'm not 3rd gender person/angrogynous.

So...yeah...confused.... I don't think I'd be any happier in a male body. And I don't think that I'd be any happier in an androgynous body either. Oh and, I don't think I'm a crossdresser either, I just wear whatever I want, I have girl clothes and boy clothes and I just wear whatever is comfortable, although I do try to make an effort to make sure people know I'm a girl when I go in public. With the buzz cut I usually have some jewelry because if I don't people will call me "sir" and that bothers me. I've never wanted to "be a boy" for a day or anything. I'm totally fine with being seen as a tomboy, but just as long as it doesn't cross the line into just "boy". I want people to know I'm female. Even though I despise it.... Dunno if that's an indication of anything....

What I THINK I want, essentially...is just to be able to like/accept/embrace being female. Some of you might tell me that I'm in denial or something.... But I really think that's what I want....

So I don't even know if I'm on the right track with thinking I have some degree of GID. I HAVE a female body, I feel extremely dysphoric about it, but I have it, and I WANT to be able to accept that I'm female, but there's a block there, there's something that just won't let me. And again this REALLY isn't the normal angst you see in girls where they're like "omg my stomach isn't flat enough, my boobz aren't big enough", it's much deeper and intense than that.

And I'm a very spiritual person too, I feel like there is some kind of sacred power inherent in being female. Maybe that sounds stupid but idk. But that power is being blocked, I can't access it because I hate it.

Confusing? Ugh sorry....

I'm just looking for answers...do you guys know what's wrong with me maybe?


I expect a lot of you will tell me to see a gender therapist...I would, but I haven't the money. Not even for the cheap student ones that're only like $5 a session. I have NO money at all to spare for that, soo...yeah for now the internet is gonna have to do....

Anyways...it's taken a lot of time for me to get the courage up to go out looking for help about this...if anybody knows what I'm talking about or can point me in the right direction....

Thanks
Alexandra

urg that turned out really long....

(oh yeah just 1 more thing sorry, maybe I should also mention I'm also very heterosexual, although I tend to like sort of metrosexual/feminine guys, I dunno if that means anything, w/e the more info the better I guess, ok I'm done for real now XD )

Hi Cicada,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Cicada!

Welcome to Susan's!

Being confused is quite normal.  I think that if you look around here you will find many others who have much of the same angst that you have.

Feel free to ask any questions you have.

One of the things to understand is that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things.  You can be a guy and be attracted to guys.  Even if you transition to living as a male, you may very well continue to be attracted to men.  Or it may change.  I consider myself a lesbian, but guys do have a certain interest for me now.

Also, Cicada, you may be female bodied, but, you will be considered and referred to as a guy here and have a male name if you wish.  That is your decision.  We accept you regardless.

Be well, brother, and welcome!

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on December 30, 2009, 02:01:00 PMAlso, Cicada, you may be female bodied, but, you will be considered and referred to as a guy here and have a male name if you wish.  That is your decision.  We accept you regardless.

Be well, brother, and welcome!

She said she does not think of herself as male.

Welcome to Susan's. Now I honestly don't know how to help you (I don't really understand why you want to be female, or really, why anyone would.) But maybe you can lurk around the MTF and Androgynous boards. They might have some food for thought for you or advice or something.

Good luck figuring it all out.

Hi Alexandra,

I'm glad you found us and feel comfortable here.  One of the nice things about Susan's is that it is diverse and people aren't pressured to conform to any label. 

Silverfang's suggestion to ask questions in the MTF (Male to Female) forum may seem surprising, but from what I have read many MTF individuals also experience a great deal of ambivalence about their gender at your age - this is why many attempt to live as guys for decades before finally changing.

I'm not suggesting that you are transsexual or that gender change is inevitable.  Clearly those are not what you feel or want.  However, gender dysphoria is not uncommon and is often confusing.  Many MTFs wrestled a long time with their feelings and with the social expectations laid on them.

Alexandra, if I could make a suggestion it would be that you dip into the various forums.  Don't be put off by labels and don't give in to any preconceived expectations of who you are or what you should do.  Stay true to your feelings and take your time.  Ask questions freely, as you are comfortable.

But most of all, I want you to feel welcome here.

Lynn

Hi Alexandra,

I realise the focus of your post was "what am I"  I wouldn't get too caught up with labels. I suggest looking at yourself and your tastes, lifestyle etc in an opposite direction. What do you like? So what if you don't consider yourself a 'normal' female or a guy, or TG. So what? You sound as if you can be happy in your body, except for the menstrual cramps, which may be treatable BTW. Have you had a good check out with ultrasound etc to make sure you haven't cysts etc? Woman have put up with really painful periods since eve said not tonight, but modern medecine has advanced and treatments are available. But you have to and find it.

I would consider being happy being you. Nothing wrong at all with that.

Cindy

Welcome to the forums, Alexandra. There are some good resources here and there are people who have gone through similar experiences. You aren't alone. Feel free to ask whatever questions that you have.

Gennee