I don't know why I've not been around here lately, maybe subconsciously I feel like if I stay away from the forums, these feelings will go away, since I only think about signing in when all these gender questioning issues hit me hard. But alas, staying away *doesn't* make the thoughts go away, as much as I wish it were that easy!
So, I'm back (I know I know, don't all run away at once!) and I'm pretty sure the days where I can "just suck it up and deal with my body" are coming closer and closer to an end... Long story short, everything seemed to click into place when I was cleaning out a bunch of boxes that were shoved in the very back of my closet, and found a bunch of "congrats, you're going through puberty" and "getting to know your body" type books and a ton of journal notes that I wrote while ironically enough, sitting in the back of my closet >< (at the time my bedroom didn't have a lock, so I didn't really have anywhere to really get away and escape reality, so I'd crawl into the back of my closet where nobody could find me, with a flashlight and I'd sit back there and read or write about how much I hated everything that was going on. It was my little safe place, and then nobody would find all my self hate notes and think I was a freak or something. Heck, even I forgot about all of those notes and stuff!) But upon finding all of that and realizing that I can try to suck it up all I want, it's never going to totally go away combined with my "get rid of all the clothes you don't remember the last time you wore, and don't know the next time you'll ever wear them" and having a whole garbage bag full of girly clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in, and haven't worn in like 4+ years. It was a total reality check for me. I know there's plenty of girls out there that aren't girly girls, so the whole purging of girly wardrobe shouldn't really mean anything, but somehow combined with everything else, it was just like woah!
I've gone through the whole denial phase, but I realize I was in denial for silly reasons,
-"Well I can suck it up sometimes and deal with it" That just means my feelings aren't as severe as other people's, sure I'm happy sometimes, but I deserve to be happy all the time.
-"I'll never be seen as a guy, because I don't want to be super masculine, and I'll never pass unless I'm super masculine" Okay, Okay, I realize that's silly, if bio guys aren't all super masculine, trans guys shouldn't have to be, either! And I've also come to the realization that it's much less about how others see me, and much more about being comfortable in my own body! This may sound silly, but I really don't care if I'm called "Miss", "Sir", or "Hey You", to me, they're just words, they don't define who I am! I'd be happy if some people had to stop and think, at least that's one step in the right direction for me!
So, I think I've finally really 'come out' to myself and realized that what I really want is to start the process of transitioning, even if it is just to the other side of the 'in between'. I already see a counselor for my anxiety and stuff, and she's been trying to get me to go into therapy for years, so I'm hoping I'll have the courage to bring this up at my next appointment and I'm sure she'd be willing to help me find a therapist! haha (I'm just worried that they might say "well you said you could suck it up and deal with it sometimes, so we can't help you" or something like that...) And then the part that *REALLY* scares me, actually telling friends and family, even though I'm 21, I'm not mentally strong enough to not have the support of my family, and I have no idea how they'll take this idea...
I've been fighting it for so long, and I'm done fighting. I've got to face reality that no, it's not going away, and the more I try to push it away, the stronger it fights back. I'm tired of being something I'm not, and I'm ready to take that first step of doing something about it!
New Year = New Amy, that's my new motto!
