Stealth & your feelings about it.

[Valentina]

I'm originally from Bulgaria but studying in the US.  Before GRS I could have never dreamt to be stealth but it's really happening without any effort on my part.  Different country, different college friends.  A brand new life. It's a great feeling.

My question for those that are stealth is: are you happy as stealth & do you feel that you're keeping a secret?

My question for the rest of you: would you be happy as stealth & would you feel that you're keeping a secret?

[Northern Jane]

My question for those that are stealth is: are you happy as stealth & do you feel that you're keeping a secret?

Total stealth is impossible to maintain. Sooner or later your doctor will know. Many feel the necessity to tell a partner about their past, and no matter how far you are from your past, it can pop up at any time unexpectedly.

For the first 15 years of my new life I was totally stealth with the exception of my doctor and my husband. Despite having moved often and living in a different part of the country, information from my medical file became the subject of gossip - thankfully my husband already knew so he wasn't blind-sided and was prepared to deflect the nasty comments. Since then, I have been "functionally stealth" and most people in my life do not know but many of my closest friends do. After 35 years on this side of the fence that seems to be the most comfortable for me.

[Northern Jane]

... wonder why others seem to be doing the same...maybe we need to connect with our kind ...

Human beings are social creatures and sooner or later everybody wants some kind of connection with others of a similar experience. Particularly for someone who is stealth, the online connection is one of the few available.

[Miniar]

Nah, I don't think stealth is for me.
And yeah, I'd feel like I was hiding something. A whole chunk of what makes me the man I am.
So no, not my thing.

[Marie731]

Human beings are social creatures and sooner or later everybody wants some kind of connection with others of a similar experience. Particularly for someone who is stealth, the online connection is one of the few available.

Great point. I'll admit I'm being somewhat hypocritical posting here, with my "transition and move on" rants lately, lol. But There are some questions and situations only you can provide insights on.

I tell people on a "need to know" and sometimes "gonna find out soon anyway" basis. But even then, it's just an "oh, by the way..." footnote. I never "educate" or explain or justify, I just mention the fact that I changed my sex and leave it at that.

I don't think of it as hiding anything, unless we withhold the information when it's relevant (such as with a doctor). And I've found that the subject is much less interesting to "normal" people than it is to us anyway.

[Saskia]

Was half stealth in the UK - meaning at home, and in my village no-one knew anything but at work they did because I'd transitioned there. I always wanted to be stealth, because I knew I could achieve it.
Moved abroad, and have moved jobs a couple of times. Now 100% stealth. Doctors notes were never transferred from the UK so even my current Doctor here in my new country knows nothing.
Been here 15 years and total stealth since day 1, but like some of you also keep coming to these forums, its really strange, and could be just the need for socializing. I don't know.

[Janet_Girl]

I am pre-op and like Matilda, I don't like the word 'Stealth'  and for the same reasons.

One day I will be post-op and at that time I will be complete.  Now I am a woman with a birth defect.  After SRS I will just be complete in my mind.  What the world thinks, knows or think they know, I could care less.



Janet

[Saskia]

Stealth is just a word to describe the fact that people do not know ones past. I don't really like it myself but it's the word most people use.
I will not tell anyone (ever), because firstly it's my business, and absolutely no-one needs to know and secondly and more importantly the relationship dynamic is changed. I have experience of stealth and partial stealth so know what I'm talking about. In order to be stealth you have to lie and keep secrets and make up stories. I don't like it but the alternative is for me a non starter. If I had been open and out I would not have the job I have now, no matter how good my CV because most people are still transphobic.

[Marie731]

still have to wonder why i and others feel the need to seek contact with other transsexuals..

I haven't been down this road for a LONG time, but I saw the lights on when passing by, and thought I'd have a round or two. Only this time I noticed the "May be habit forming" warning, so I left the engine running.

Sometimes the only way to truly let go of something is to hold it in your hands one last time.

[Silver]

My question for the rest of you: would you be happy as stealth & would you feel that you're keeping a secret?

Well I don't know but I feel like I'm keeping a secret now.

I don't really think stealth is for me though. When I'm transitioning, it might be unavoidable. Afterwards, I won't be very concerned and probably won't really be much reason not to tell people who I'm associated with.

[Marie731]

but no-one is any different..like the bio-world we all seem to be struggling with the same issues as they are in their worlds...none of us are any better, any wiser or anymore complete than anyone else.

Everyone is lonely and scared. The world is just a tangled mess of children pretending to be adults who've gotten over that.

But they never really do.

[Jeannette]

Well, these threads seem to cause controversy everytime they're discussed because there are people that make broad generalisations about everybody else without taking into consideration people's individual lives & thus invalidating their experiences.  I wish people would speak for themselves & not for me & others in the group.

As for the 'why' people come here if they're now transitioned.  There are many reasons why they do, but suggesting that a person isn't 'fullfilled' & 'mentally' female just because they still come here is dumb.

Some people have come here since before they transitioned.  We've formed bonds with some of the people here & the site itself.  Some people are part of Susan's staff.  They come here to help the site grow much more than it already has.

Also let's not forget that this is a support site.  Yes the main focus is the transgender community but if you take the time to look around. this site helps people with more issues than just transgender specific.   People can ask questions, share their experiences, talk about anything they want, suicide, addiction, advice with relationships, the feelings they had just before GRS, GRS surgeons & tons of more topics.

People talk and solve problems together.  That's why they come here. If there's a subject they don't want to talk about irl, they come here and discuss it. 

People come here for support & to give support. That isn't 'trans' specific but being human.

As far as the 'trans' stuff itself, there comes a point where a transsexual history is just that, a history, part of one's past whether somebody visits a place like this or not.

[aubrey]

I don't know about stealth but I would like to get amnesia around about a year post-op when things have healed and are functional, and just move on.

[jade]

I am tired of hiding. Stealth is bull->-bleeped-<-, I think society needs to get over it than us trying to restrict ourselves and battle with paranoia all the time. How is it free expression of one self if you are always holding back? Stealth can be achieved but the subject will feel lonely and depressed at times. You always have to act around people when they ask if you are ever going to have kids, or when they talk about periods and other stuff or the guy you are seeing asks about your scars down there or people pinpointing to certain things they notice about you.

[rejennyrated]

Did deep stealth in the 1980's Got bored with it!

Did "need to know" in the 1990's Got Bored with that too!

Since April 2005 when the Uk finally gave me a Birth cert with GIRL written on it (one of the first 200 ammendments issued) I simply couldn't care if people know or not... so I've simply stopped categorising myself.

It's an individual choice I guess and all of us must follow our own consciences and decide for ourselves what levels of disclosure we feel comfortable with. No one is wrong.

[jade]

Yes, the April Ashley vs Corbett case really held back transsexuals in UK and Australia about amendment of their sex on birth certificate for many years until the Gender Recognition Act came into place, I can't believe how delayed it was just over one court case.

[pretty pauline]

Human beings are social creatures and sooner or later everybody wants some kind of connection with others of a similar experience. Particularly for someone who is stealth, the online connection is one of the few available.

Thank you Jane, best post in a long time, I was totally stealth for a long time, Im an attractive woman, pass completely, I didn't need the grief when people know you are transexual ''not a real woman bla bla bla'' so I took the stealth route, but it can be lonely, so I needed to connect with others of similar experience, 1 of the reasons why I joined Susan's Place.
We are all human needing to connect, my Fiancé knows Im trans, but not his family, later in the year we'll probably get married, his sister resently wants to organise a hen night out for me before the wedding ''girl's night'' as she's going to be my Bridesmaid, but she doesn't know my past.
Its my past, its in the past, sometimes stealth gives a woman like me peace.
p

[Vision]

I kind of feel the same way.  I don't wear a "kiss me I'm trans" button, but I really don't care who knows.

[Butterfly]

It's an individual choice I guess and all of us must follow our own consciences and decide for ourselves what levels of disclosure we feel comfortable with. No one is wrong.

This.  or like my nan used to say:  Your life is none of my business! ~smile~

[FairyGirl]

"Stealth" suggests dishonesty.  "Stealth" implies that "I am deluding myself into believing that I'm a woman".  "Stealth" is a badly defined term & would be the correct one if I were something else (i.e., a man, etc} pretending to be female/a woman.  My "secret" would be that I'm not "really" female/a woman but something else disguised as female/a woman.  Totally untrue (in my case at least).  I'm not "stealth".  What I am is female, who I am is a woman, and no I don't feel obligated to tell people I used to be "something" I never was or felt myself to be.  Plain and simple.

I know that there are some people in the "transgender community" who believe that... those of us who are not "out"/those of us who have completely assimilated into mainstream society/those of us who "don't tell the truth" about ourselves... are being "deceitful".  It kind of makes me wonder what those people believe themselves to be and what their "truth" actually is.

It seems to me that any post-transition/post-SRS woman that would feel "sneaky", "untruthful", "deceptive", "fake", etc would have to consider herself to be... other than/less than/ different than... simply female/a woman.

I really like this answer. I guess I don't understand why it's such an issue.   A lot of people don't go around giving out private information about themselves or their pasts, nor do they feel "dishonest" because they don't. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to always tell everything you know, either... sheesh. Like Matilda suggests the very idea behind the concept is one of deception. Though I am for a short while longer still pre-op, I do not feel in the least bit dishonest presenting myself as who I am (female) regardless of what's in my past, or in my pants. I do not now or ever claim or try to be "stealth". I just live my life without worrying about it and that seems to work for me.