Doubt. Need to vent.

[JessicaLynn]

So I really don't know what to say here I just need to vent.  After going through one of my purge/denial periods for the last few months I am back on a path.  I was all booked for my first therapy session this fall then started to doubt myself at the laste second.  Plus taking a full course load at school didn't help.  I overreacted again and pulled out of the session.  It's not that I doubt who I am it's that I feel that I am not ready.  I have a huge fear about not being ready for it and then being denied or laughed out of the room.  Also I worry that I will retreat midsession or in between sessions and closet myself again.  I really want all the fear and worry not be set aside but not let it get in the way of my goals again.  I think fear and worry can be good to some extent but when they impede you dreams.  Just finding myself mentally the last few days has felt great.  Stressful trying to deal with the fear and doubt, but great.  I honestly hope that this is it.  I dont want to go back anymore.  I have been in a ball in tears multiple times.  Though I have known who I was since I was young I don't think that I have ever been able to completely admit it to myself because of doubt.  I suppose that this is something that is done in therapy but I have not been able to get myself there.  Just a whole lot of introspection.  Way too much introspection.  Arghh!
Jessica

[Janet_Girl]

So many of us have been there so many times.  For me it was a matter of stepping up and making the decision that I knew what was right for me.

It sometimes takes something so simple as getting an attitude of "Kiss off.  I am human and I will be who I am".  Pissy, yes I know, but sometimes it takes getting pissy to push us.  It is better than having a scar on your wrist to remind you that you almost were not here to enjoy life now.

When you are totally ready, nothing will stop you.  And I mean nothing.  It sounds like you are ready.

Step forward and be your own woman, and to hell with the rest of the world.


Janet

[Alyssa M.]

It sounds like you could use that therapy. And some friends. I came here because I was beginning a period where my introspection level went way up, my first year of grad school. Believe me, I know how that feels. I've lost a whole lot of sleep over my transition, which is tough when you're losing a night or two minimum to electrodymanics problem sets already.

Therapy helped me a lot, and my friends even more so. I can't say I was really ready for transition, but I also couldn't abide not transitioning. That's a pretty good recipe for disaster, which is pretty much what I got. My life kind of imploded for a while. But I'm pulling the pieces back together. It took me a hell of a long time to get into therapy myself. I had some when I was 22, but that was because my life was a complete disaster then; and I was seriously considering transitioning when I was 25, but I didn't think I could handle it because my social support system was still rather shaky. Things got better, and that's when I had to transition, pretty much the second I had what seemed like the bare minimum of support. I'm not the type that can just go it alone.

I guess what I'm really saying is that what you're going through sounds familiar to me, and you can get through it.

[tiger]

I'm going to agree you need to go to therapy. Just remember you get out of therapy what YOU put in to it. The therapist is only there to "guide" you.

I agree with Janet, Sounds like you are ready. It is just a matter of getting from point A to point B.

You will be ok. It is always good to vent.

[BunnyBee]

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35756.msg481464.html#msg481464

I think, without knowing it, I made the post linked above just for you .

Make another appointment and start dealing with it, trust me.  I felt exactly the same way you did before I started, and I can't stress enough the positive affect dealing with this issue has had on my life.

[lilacwoman]

transitioning is a really major step so go have that first session just to help you see your way over the next major step which will be lesser than the first..and so on.

[Randi]

Hi Jessica,

Getting therapy is the best thing I have done for myself. I was able to hook up with the process and identify problem areas of transition that will cost alot of money. Concentrating on things not costing much right now, I have put some things I want on the long-term pile and other things on the short-term pile. The short-term pile contains things like therapy, clothes/undergarments, nails, hair, makeup, voice practice... ie. things I can do now. Then taking one thing at a time I think I can remain sane-or relatively so anyway and eventually accomplish (at least) part of what I want to do.  Get yourself a good therapist-I love mine!

Randi

[Firelight]

There's no question about it, taking those first major steps can be intimidating. Even if you're absolutely, totally, 100% CERTAIN of your GID.

Far too often, people decide that they can repress their feelings and ignore the subject. And sometimes they even succeed for awhile. But sooner of later those feelings always come back double. It's better to address them now than let even more time pass, believe me.

EDIT: Wait a minute... JessicaLynn? Janet Lynn? I smell conspiracy!

[Marie731]

transitioning is a really major step so go have that first session just to help you see your way over the next major step which will be lesser than the first..and so on.

Yup, what she ^^^ said

As you push forward, you'll gain perspective. The things which seem so huge and scary today will seem like, "What was I so worried about?" tomorrow.

Empty words to hear right now I know, when you're in that scary, OMG! place, but honest...

[JessicaLynn]

Thank you all so much.  I am in th middle of finding a new therapist as the last I had chosen is not taking anyone new.  Argh! This all feel so wierd.  It seems like I have way more stress than before but I am a little happy that I am dealing with my life for the first time ever. 

[brittanyfear]

I think a lot of us go through that period, especially at the beginning. That's probably good I suppose. If it never comes back up in your mind, maybe it was nothing, but if it does, that should mean something.

Like someone already posted, the first steps are always the hardest. Therapy can be very helpful if you get the right therapist & put some effort into it.