So Close...

[gabriella]

I want to tell my wife so bad - I can hear it in my head - but just when I think I can - nothing. I clam up. My inner voice is screaming, but outside is silent. This is soooo much harder than I thought it would be.

I have been able to approach the topic of therapy with her - she just doesn't know what for.

How do I get up the courage to introduce the real me for the first time?


Gabriella

[Steph]

I want to tell my wife so bad - I can hear it in my head - but just when I think I can - nothing. I clam up. My inner voice is screaming, but outside is silent. This is soooo much harder than I thought it would be.

I have been able to approach the topic of therapy with her - she just doesn't know what for.

How do I get up the courage to introduce the real me for the first time?


Gabriella

Hello Gabriella.

First off I want to ensure that you have read the coming out experiences that members here have posted to Susan's in this forum, and that you are completely aware of the possible consequences you will face when you decide to come out to your wife, as they can be catastrophic to say the least.

How you tell your wife is difficult as there is no way to sugar coat this and no way to let her ease into this.  However you need to get everything set in your mind and be convinced that this is what you have to do, need to do.  Is your diagnosis certain, are you sure about who and what you are, have you started therapy, as if you haven't you need to do this before you come out to your wife.  Therapy can be disguised by you simply saying that you are having confidence issues, that something just doesn't feel right, that there is this thing that you are not sure about that's nagging you.

After that you have to have a plan in place should the worst happen, as life will definitely change after you come out, and that is a certainty.  There will be a lot of re-evaluations done with regards to how this revelation leaves you both, how your relationship will continue (if it does).  You need to look at the long term not just that day of coming out.

Where will this leave you with regards to family and then later towards friends as once this genie is out of the bottle there is no way to put it back inside.

Steph

[gabriella]

Thanks Steph.

I know you're right. It's just so hard to keep these feelings bottled up inside - and I guess that's where the therapist comes in. I know I have to be sure before I make any life changing decisions.

Does anyone know the typical costs for a therapist - as money is quite tight for me.

[Kate]

I know you're right. It's just so hard to keep these feelings bottled up inside - and I guess that's where the therapist comes in. I know I have to be sure before I make any life changing decisions.

True, therapy might be a good place to start figuring out not only HOW to tell your wife, but also WHAT to tell her... what it is you truly want and need. Not everyone goes "all the way" with this... some people are content with occasionally crossdressing, others go on a weak hormone regimen yet never transition, etc.

Still, it seems that in hindsight, many wives would rather have been included in the figuring out process from the beginning. Otherwise, they feel left out, no control over their lives, alone and abandoned to YOUR fate. If I could change anything about the way I handled all this, it would be to have been honest and upfront with both myself AND my wife as early as possible. No bargaining, no hedging, no compromising, no false-promises I knew I couldn't live up to just to preserve the marriage. She deserves the tools to make her own decisions too. Very, VERY hard, I know... believe me I know.

Just as Steph said though: also be sure you're ready to walk off that cliff. Try and anticipate the various outcomes. Try to anticipate HER fears and concerns before they happen, so you can quickly address them. And expect that her initial reaction probably won't be her final one.

Does anyone know the typical costs for a therapist - as money is quite tight for me.

It varies. I've seen as high as $200 per session, to a low of $50 per session. Some will bargain a bit if you commit to coming more often (say every week at $50 versus once a month at $150). Health insurance can cover part of it if the therapist categorizes it as being for depression.

[Melissa]

First of all, I know exactly what you are going through.  I would say coming out to my wife was one of the single most scary parts of my whole transition.  You are scared because you know it will alter somebody's perception of you forever.  However, you need to realize that altering people's perceptions is exactly what you want to do.  I am going to assume you are TS, but correct me if I am wrong. You probably don't want to be viewed as a man anymore and this will be a significant step in achieving that.  Don't just rush into it though, but do be completely honest.  You want to be familiar with everything you are going to tell her.  Most likely there will be a lot of questions and a lot of tears (both yours and hers) with coming out.  Also, be sure to allot a sufficient amount of time and don't plan on doing anything else for the rest of the day.  You probably know her best and will generally have a fairly good gauge of how she'll accept it.  Good luck.  It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but look at it as it only getting easier.  By the way, the other scariest thing in my transition was coming out to my parents.

Still, it seems that in hindsight, many wives would rather have been included in the figuring out process from the beginning. Otherwise, they feel left out, no control over their lives, alone and abandoned to YOUR fate. If I could change anything about the way I handled all this, it would be to have been honest and upfront with both myself AND my wife as early as possible. No bargaining, no hedging, no compromising, no false-promises I knew I couldn't live up to just to preserve the marriage. She deserves the tools to make her own decisions too.

Now this is a double edged sword, since I did do this method, or rather a case of "d***ed if you do and d***ed if you don't".  The thing is, by including "her" in the figuring out process, it can put a lot of emotional strain on the marriage.  It also may prevent you from being completely honest with youself in an attempt to not let go of the marriage.

Melissa

[gabriella]

There is so much to ponder - still so much self discovery. I know in my heart that I'm a woman and I'm sure therapy will guide me to what's best for me. I know that whatever road I travel will be a hard one. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her in any way, but even now I feel myself becoming distant with her at times because of my "secret."