second thoughts...

[owl]

hey guys, i've been having second thoughts lately about this whole transition, have you had second thoughts at all?
what brought it up, was my mother..she said i look like a butch lesbian and i can't pass at all. i'm scared thats what the general public look at me as, i don't want to look like a 'butch lesbian', i don't even want to look like a lesbian, i think what she said really got to me, i just need some advice

thanks, damian

[Silver]

hey guys, i've been having second thoughts lately about this whole transition, have you had second thoughts at all?
what brought it up, was my mother..she said i look like a butch lesbian and i can't pass at all. i'm scared thats what the general public look at me as, i don't want to look like a 'butch lesbian', i don't even want to look like a lesbian, i think what she said really got to me, i just need some advice

thanks, damian

If you intend to medically transition, testosterone usually masculinises one's face enough to pass consistently. The biological markers of high testosterone are hard to ignore.

If it's really what you want to do, and you really can't stand being a woman I recommend you ignore that bit of parental advice. Parents generally lack faith in things like this especially when they don't approve. I think it just doesn't seem real to them, a bit far off like foreign crises. Save up, move out, and you won't have to deal with it.

I know it's tough when parents tell you things like this or insult you. You grew up thinking they knew everything and it's hard to shake. Remember, no matter what she wants to think, it's your life and you'll have to live with the consequences of what you do.

[Myself]

Don't worry about passing, for you guys that's the easy part after hormones alone

[Hanlet]

Well, from your avatar you look like you can already pass well enough to me. I'd ignore your mother's 'advice', and continue aiming for what you want.

[owl]

thanks everyone for the advice, its really insulting when you get called something your not

[sneakersjay]

The hardest part for me initially was going from feminine-looking woman to butch before passing as male.  I did NOT pass at all pre-T, and it took at least 3 months before I started passing. Even then, my area does have a large out lesbian population, so that made it harder, whereas travel to a more conservative area I passed easily 3 months on T, though outed by my ID which had yet to go through.

So, if you plan on starting T asap, I'd let her comments slide.  While true to an extent, even *I* did not know how great T was at changing people until I'd met a transguy who had been on T 8 years.  Eye opening.

Here are some links for you: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TransMen.html  and http://transphoto.smugmug.com/gallery/1803_sHpNv.  These were hugely helpful to realize I would not just look like a butch hairy woman.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that is NOT ME.

Jay


Edit: fixed link

[Alessandro]

I understand.  I don't pass either and look like a lesbian, which sucks because I love the men and have no hope if they just see lesbian whenever they look at me 

If your second thoughts are because you feel you could learn to love your female body then maybe wait and see, have some therapy etc.  But if your second thoughts are only related to passing concerns then you should let them slide and just think how much T will help you   

[Basiliximab]

hey guys, i've been having second thoughts lately about this whole transition, have you had second thoughts at all?

Yeah, sometimes when I think how much easier it would be if I just stayed this way, also about how I'll be giving up my relationship with my roommate (ex-fiance).

what brought it up, was my mother..she said i look like a butch lesbian and i can't pass at all. i'm scared thats what the general public look at me as, i don't want to look like a 'butch lesbian', i don't even want to look like a lesbian, i think what she said really got to me, i just need some advice

I'm sure that you won't, especially once you get on T. I'm being told that I look so feminine, and its probably just as depressing (a lot of people get so hung up on my looks that they think that I can't possibly "want to be" a guy). Just hang in there; she's just telling you that as a defense mechanism. I know it's difficult, but try not to let it affect you 'cause it's just something they're saying b/c they're not at the stage where they're accepting or understanding of it yet.

[Ender]

It's rough for parents with a trans child.  They don't always handle it in the most tactful way, either.  My parents were throwing everything they could at me to convince me to not transition.

Parents make it even rougher on their kids by doing this--it's not what you wanted to hear first off, and it's from a source that you may take to heart more than some random person.  That said, before T the general public may well perceive you as a lesbian.  It just happens; maybe your mom was trying to give you a heads up.  But I think that parents really have a hard time seeing their kid as a sex different from the one that was declared at birth.   I'm almost a year on T, and my parents say that they still see me as a girl and I will always be a girl to them.  The public at large thinks otherwise.

[Carson]

My mom told me the same thing, thinking that I would look androgynous for my entire life, and thought that I would never pass as male because of how small I am. I'm about 5'2" and weight about 100 pounds but the more transguys she sees the more she understands the power of Testosterone and now she sees how quickly I am changing. As you pass more and more you mom will realize that you will not look like a butch lesbian your whole life. Just wait it out. And do not doubt your transition because of that. The fact that you do not want to look like a lesbian should reinforce your want to transition instead of make you doubt it.

[Elijah3291]

Hey Day,

my mom said something like that before, she told me with a serious voice.. "YOU look like a GIRL" and it really hurt me.. but a week ago, she agree'd with me that I do look like at least a boy.

Dont let what your mom said get to you. Monthers kinda do that, I think it helps them reassure themselves.. denial.

[Mark]

Hey Damian,

I have a similar problem. I have never identified as lesbian although i identify as heterosexual male. I do not want to be seen as lesbian since i don't feel that i am. When i take the step to cut off all my hair, i believe i will be seen as a butch lesbian, i think that happens for most people.  I think a lot of people identify as lesbian before they even transition so they are more okay with being seen as that.

Best advice is just tough it out and act a little more masculine, attitude is half the battle. To be who you want to be, sometimes there are some obstacles.

Mark

[petzjazz]

OP: When you are pre-T or have only been on T for a little while, it is inevitable that you will appear as a masculine female to some. You can't really avoid that stage (after all, the voice/beard/hip-fat-shrinkage doesn't appear instanteously in even the most masculine of pre-T transmen).

When you have been on T for a decent amount of time, you will almost definitely be viewed as male 99-100% of the time.

The not-passing stage is unavoidable for almost all transpeople. Be thankful you're going the easier route passing-wise (T is very kind to transmen who would be unpassable without it).

[owl]

OP: When you are pre-T or have only been on T for a little while, it is inevitable that you will appear as a masculine female to some. You can't really avoid that stage (after all, the voice/beard/hip-fat-shrinkage doesn't appear instanteously in even the most masculine of pre-T transmen).

When you have been on T for a decent amount of time, you will almost definitely be viewed as male 99-100% of the time.

The not-passing stage is unavoidable for almost all transpeople. Be thankful you're going the easier route passing-wise (T is very kind to transmen who would be unpassable without it).

i understand until i get T i will probably look feminine for along time, it sucks but she said i dont even look like a boy, , stupid parents haha

[GnomeKid]

One of the things that really got me to transition was thinking of myself in the future.  Nowadays I could [pre-T] pass off as a young dude relatively easily, or be seen as an androgenous queer kid of some sort [which i have no problem with.]  Even so I was sort of comfortable with that in a way.  I'm not really one for change.  But what about when I'm 40?  I don't want to be a 40 year old butch lesbian.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but its just not me.  I sat and pictured what I'd probably look like if I didn't go through with the T ect.  I decided I needed to go forward with my transition. 

[owl]

One of the things that really got me to transition was thinking of myself in the future.  Nowadays I could [pre-T] pass off as a young dude relatively easily, or be seen as an androgenous queer kid of some sort [which i have no problem with.]  Even so I was sort of comfortable with that in a way.  I'm not really one for change.  But what about when I'm 40?  I don't want to be a 40 year old butch lesbian.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but its just not me.  I sat and pictured what I'd probably look like if I didn't go through with the T ect.  I decided I needed to go forward with my transition.

I dont want to look like that when i'm that old either, much less anytime of my life. Its a huge insult and i can't wait to get t to change this

[Myself]

thanks everyone for the advice, its really insulting when you get called something your not

Don't be so hard on your mom.
When I saw your photos I thought (and replied saying) you don't pass either, she might just be honest with you.
The difference between her and us is that even if we say you don't pass we know how testosterone changes you!!! she doesn't. So in her mind it's just a dream, in ours - we know that it is a dream which can come true.

Many people here hoped to pass, dressed to pass, cut their hair to pass and were thought to be butch lesbians. - Hey then how's mom not honest with you? She might be right!
So instead of getting mad at her for being honest, caring and loving - Why not show her examples and teach her "I know that this is what you think now, but see how testosterone changes people, they all started like that but after time they gradually changed into real good looking men".

Realize she just doesn't know the OPTIONS and CHANGES which everyone of us knows.
And even if you start showing her images "see her" "see him" "that's the same person", it won't dig in so fast as she will be looking at you and see you which she knows since you were born and before.

When I planned my facial surgery I showed mom photos to encourage her to support me.
She said some were really pretty! but she kept expecting and telling me to expect for the worse and said "don't count on it to help much".

You know what? on monday we removed the splint and her eyes were wide open and she said she is amazed and love what she sees.
On the way home she told me many many girls would be jealous of me and she and her boyfriend said that I am prettier than her

Until they don't experience it, they won't realize it. Give her a chance! she is trying to protect you, my mom did the same!!!

[GDTripp]

I guess I was lucky. Only 2 weeks before I came out to my parents, I wore black dress pants and a purple button-up shirt with a purple tie to a church party. My mom told me en route that I looked like a gayboy [not a lesbian!] and would I please take off the tie. XD

But I look in the mirror and think myself a butch lesbian all the time, cos I haven't gotten a binder yet, and I've had "Lesbo" mumbled at me by the insecure jocks on campus, so...