How to transition?

[Anaya]

well it's not that i want to know how exactly everything works and such, but i AM a bit lost...

The therapist who was recommended to me (by another one i went to twice, when he suggested that i could get therapy nearer to where i live) told me late last year that she had no time free that year and as i understood she would call sometime this year when her schedule clears up... i don't know if i should call again already (making the call already scares me... but i'll have to leave a message on the answering machine, which actually scares me even more )

I thought about coming out to people but i always get the feeling "what for?" it won't change a thing, except they think i'm some kind of weirdo (not saying they wouldn't accept me though). Heck, most of the people i hang out with are guys, they would hardly offer any emotional support. They probably wouldn't even know what to do with the info.

I'd love to start taking hormones, or at least something to stop the testosterone. It's horrible every time i notice i'm getting more facial hair (but hey, i'm 21, i should consider myself lucky that i don't grow that much facial hair). I just don't know how to get them... i know shouldn't self medicate, but how will i get to an endocronologist whod give them to me then? through the therapist?
And yet starting hormones scares me too, since it's not like i can hide all changes. I'd have to somehow come to terms that from then on i have no idea how life will be. All the unknowns just scare me. Thats why i feel "comfortable" (not the right word though) as a guy, i know what to expect.

what could i do now then?
Train my voice? And again i'm scared. i know one of my neighbours pretty well (i live in a student appartment building) and i get the feeling that you can hear people talking aloud through the wall (i only know from the times that my other neighbour had friends over. dunno how loud they talked, but i heard it). Could others hear me training? hope not...
btw. on that matter, does anyone know any good guide? I've tried a few, but theres always some part i don't really know what they mean
Should i just start with removing the little (and yet too much...) facial hair i have? And when new hair appears in other places, as Testosterone commands, i'd just have to go back once again?

*sigh* i seem too scared to do anything... i wonder how i ever convinced myself to get my ears pierced (great decision btw. well done self!)

p.s. i guess i should have posted this on a german forum, since i'm in germany, and they'd probably know better how things are here. But i haven't found any that i've liked so far. Even though i rarely post here (very very very rarely) i do feel more comfortable here

[Dawn D.]

Anaya,

First and foremost, there is no "one" right way to do transition. It's different for each of us. The following is only what I know worked for me and how I perceive where you are at in your life right now.

I have mixed feelings about therapists. However, from reading your thoughts it would seem that continuing with therapy might not be a bad idea for you. At least for a while yet. It appears to me at least, at this point in your life you might not be sure about the path you are on. Keep trying to find a "good" gender therapist. From the sounds of it, you haven't had a "good" one yet. And, it can be hit and miss. So, keep trying.

When you make the decision to come out to people, you are exposing yourself in a way that may change relationships forever! So, two thoughts here, be certain that this is the path your on and, have a good reason for coming out to who ever it is that you are thinking of telling. People may tell you something to the effect of  "oh, well, that's okay. You're still the same person" and, they may actually mean what they say. Their support may be genuine.  Still others can say the same thing and as soon as they are out of your sight they change their tune and start gossip and/or alienate you for ever. It's a crap shoot. So, if you want to try to keep things under control at least for a good period of time (until your actually ready to live as yourself), keep this to yourself. Only confide in those that a.) really need to know and, b.)you're absolutely certain you can trust with the information you tell them.

Hormones, I'm not gonna drill you on these. I think you already know the routine. However, please wait until you've had proper therapy to begin them and if you're then certain of your future, pursue them the right way.

On your voice. I've been living full time now for over nine month's. My voice isn't perfect and I still struggle with it. Although, something that I recently discovered is that the less I worry about it the more naturally feminine it seems to get. I work in retail and interact with customers day in and day out. Most do not know anything about me or my history. I am treated with respect and (near as I can tell) treated as female from everyone I encounter. I think it's just the confidence level that comes from being free to be yourself.

Best method I have used is recording my voice on our telephone messaging system for after hours calls. I change it often and it may take several attempts at getting the right tone, but it really seems to help develop a more natural sounding voice. What you hear in your head is way different than what you hear in a recording! You just have to practice it. Listen to how women talk. Try to pick up on the little nuances in the way they enunciate sentences. This will take some time so you have to work at it.

Lastly. Being afraid is a part of all of this. Yet, sometimes we are so driven by the need to be the person that we trapped in a dark corner of our lives for so long, you just can't keep her/him contained any longer. You'll overcome the fear with gaining confidence and self acceptance. Again, something that you have to work at. And, again another reason for you to seek out a "good" gender therapist.

I wish you well, Anaya.


Dawn   

[Anaya]

Hi Dawn, thanks for answering

From the sounds of it, you haven't had a "good" one yet. And, it can be hit and miss. So, keep trying.

well its not that they aren't good... i haven't had enough time with them to evaluate them
The one i spoke to before seemed good (he did come highly recommended on german TS sites, from what i remember), but thats just too far from me, and around here theres only that one.

be certain that this is the path your on

check, it's one of the things im surest on. I mean, sure i've got my demons trying to make me think that  can't do it, but at least they gave up on telling me i'm not a woman.

and, have a good reason for coming out to who ever it is that you are thinking of telling.

what would be a good reason? I just want to take this huge weight of my shoulders, but i'll just be substituting it by the other weight of panicking about what they really think about me.
i guess i don't see any good reason so far. I did come out to two female friends who now live pretty far.

You'll overcome the fear with gaining confidence and self acceptance.

it's impressive how i've become so much more confident, braver and stronger (not physically though ) the past years (mh started my journey a bit before i registered here, which was.... wow 5 years ago) and its still not enough. I do feel that i just need one last little push to overcome my fears. It's like theres a fire inside, burning stronger and stronger, and it feels like it's bursting out

[EveMarie]

I have to agree with Dawn, It's different for all of us. I fought with my "inner girl" for over 50 years, until I finally decided to seek professional "guidance" with a therapist. My last marriage fell apart over the issue, and as I found myself alone I took a long time to seriously consider the ramifications of transitioning, and decided it was my only choice. Slowly, one at a time I have been "coming out" to my family members, mom first, dad, uncles, etc., but I need to wait and see my son in person before telling him (3,000 mile separation). My therapist has been wonderful and very supportive, as well as my family (those that know). My therapist is giving me a letter of rec. for the endo Dr. and will recommend one she trusts. I got the go ahead from my GP, Cardiologist, and Oncologist, so HRT is in the near future. As soon as I can get my finances in order and see what this is gonna set me back, I'll be able to proceed with electrolysis, maybe breast augmentation, and if all goes well in a couple of years I'll be in a position to make that final decision, but it's too soon to see that far out. I know what my goals are, I know who I am, and I know what direction I'm headed, and I'm happy

Good luck in your quest, to quote a fortune cookie I got the other day, "Don't seek happiness, make it"

Evie

[Chrissty]

Good therapists tend to get busy towards the year end...

When I started I had to wait till January too..

Persistence pays off, and once you start, getting the next app. is a lot easier...

Good Luck

Chrissty

[Dawn D.]

Hello Anaya,

I am glad you feel confident in your therapist! It's exceedingly important that the two of you connect. After re-reading your post, I agree with you; it may just require more time. That, I would offer is what you need to do with her.

On having a good reason to come out. Well, it's your call as to what constitutes a good reason. Everything from whether or not it could impact positively or negatively in an employment situation to, how a revelation of such a nature would affect a personal relationship with friends or family. Especially relationships that are particularly close. I mean, we have to face facts. This isn't like just changing your hair color. This affects (right or wrong) what people think about you. Telling the wrong person just for the sake of getting it off your chest (and at the wrong time or just bad timing) could significantly hold bad consequences. This is something you need to work on with your therapist. As well do some soul searching on your own about the people you really need to tell and at what times. This gives you a form of control over your destiny and you get to make the choice (at least initially) over who's included into your "little secret". Just remember, once the cat's out of the bag, it isn't going back in! So if you tell someone you think you can trust to keep it quiet and find out later they told the whole town; well, it tends to set off a chain of unstoppable events. And they may not be to your liking.

I have a friend that this very thing happened to them just recently. She thought she could trust the person she told and it turned out to be a mistake. Rumors flew around town faster than the wind in a hurricane! Malicious rumors at that! She had damage control to deal with that caused her to spend countless sleepless nights in trying to figure out her best approach to turning the negatives into positives. Lucky for her, she was so well known and so well liked in her community that when she took the time to contact people who had heard "through the grapevine" and inform them herself of the correct information, things turned around for the better. In essence it sped up her "coming out" by about six to nine month's earlier than she had planned. She knows that she dodged a bullet on that and it could have been very bad. She was fortunate. 

For myself, I was very much like you in that I felt this enormous urge to just blast it into the ears of anyone that I thought would take a listen. Am I glad I didn't do it that way after really giving consideration to the consequences. First of all, I simply was not as ready as I had thought in being ready to go full time. It took at least another year before I told anyone! And then about another year after that before I went full time and started my RLE! And, let me assure you, I am (was) one impatient chick! That's where therapy made the difference. It brought things up that I really hadn't given much consideration to. It also allowed for the time needed to figure those same issues out.

Lastly. I am continually told by people who know me and have known me for many, many years that they think living my life in the open is the bravest thing they have ever seen anyone do. Yet, it's not the way I look at it, or feel about it. It was simply necessary. With that necessity came the confidence  and self acceptance. I don't live my life in the face of others just to be brave. It just had to be. You'll find you'll be emotionally stronger as time goes on and you realize as well as achieve the goals you set out for yourself in being who you are. it sounds to me as though you are building that self acceptance and confidence already. Keep it up, girl!



Dawn     
 

[tekla]

I think you have to assume that out is out, and if one person knows, everyone is going to know, or as my biker friends say: "Three can keep a secret if two are dead."  So tell the most important people first.  Once upon a time in the gay community 'coming out' referred pretty much to parents/family.  If you were not out to mom and dad, you were not out.  Hence the whole "I'm coming out for Christmas" deal.

It's the one thing you have total control over, just understand that it's pretty much got to be and all or nothing deal.

[Janet_Girl]

My therapist was very instrumental in my going full time.  I would go see him 'en Femme'  and spend the whole day as female.  It would feel so right.  Then one day while downtown to go see him, I got whistled at.  Was I read and it just a slam?  I didn't care, I was on cloud nine.

I made the decision to change my name and when to the court date as me.  The judge looked at me and said so ordered.  I went to change my D/L and SSN.  Both places I got called 'Ma am'.  And I knew that it was the right path for me.  No more doubts.

So finding a therapist will open doors and all you have to do is go through them.



Janet

[Anaya]

Good therapists tend to get busy towards the year end...

When I started I had to wait till January too..

oooh good sign then
but it already is the middle of january! *taps foot impatiently*

This gives you a form of control over your destiny and you get to make the choice (at least initially) over who's included into your "little secret".

i've had both luck and bad luck so far.
There was that one event which seriously impacted my confidence and, i think, my relationship with my parents about 5 years ago. I came out to them, didn't convince them, i shut up, and the cat jumped back into the bag (at least they never ever mentioned it again).
then there was the friend who really didn't like it, but she accepted it. The other good friend (who despises everything pink and overly girly ) accepted it pretty well and even made me some earrings (she also says that im definitely more girly then her )

So finding a therapist will open doors and all you have to do is go through them.

*taps impatient foot more furiously*

[Chrissty]

oooh good sign then
but it already is the middle of january! *taps foot impatiently*

...Sooo... it's time to follow up again... or ask for a short notice cancellation if you can ? 



Chrissty