Support Groups...helpful?...or a waste of time? Other options?

[tekla]

If I said: "Gee, I took a college course once, but I didn't like the other students and the teacher seemed a bit full of himself, so I'm thinking college is not for me" I'm sure someone (me if no one else) would write back something to the tune of "Well there Kat, college is a lot bigger than one class, you can't just the entire college experience across the board just based on one class."  And, they would be right.   

First, no support group can be any better then the sum of the people in it.  That's it, that's the deck you're playing with.  Change the people, change the experience. And, also at that, it depends what kind of mood, what kind of place everyone is at that day, that hour.  Like any sort of group activity (say sports teams, or bands) the internal energy is always changing, and some days you can do no wrong, other days, nothing goes right.  That's just the way people are.

The levels of dysfunction within the group were astounding - I can mirror the stories others have related of the same issues rehashed over and over again without any real effort to move themselves forward.

Are you talking about my family?  My state?  This nation? The people over at FreeRepublic?  I think that in general the levels of dysfunction across the board are off the charts anymore.  I've always thought that in fact dysfunction is the normal state of affairs for humans, and its only though profound effort that things function to begin with.

[Marie731]

Personally, I found it to be a frightening trap. I went only because I was scolded as not being "cooperative" when I didn't. So I shut up and played the game.

Groups form dynamics. The dynamic was to keep needing support. The dynamic was to keep coming back, not to learn and move on. The dynamic was someone would say, "Hey, I always did xyz, just like everyone else here, right?"

You really do not want to know what the "xyz's" were.

Much nodding and clapping ensued. And I sat there silently, mortified, but also humiliated and scared to be the only one not ME TOO! ing along with them.

I sometimes wonder how I survived the "therapy" process. Transition was easy. Bartering my self-esteem and personal integrity away to get those letters wasn't. It's a wound that I doubt will ever heal.

But, I'm sure everyone's experience varies...

[Cindy]

As others have said it all depends what you want to get out of it.

I met a group of really nice women, and some I didn't like.

I go out with the ones I like and it has been wonderful to have friends who are at different stages of a journey. The people I don't like don't bother me at all and I'm polite to them as they are to me. In all walks of life we meet people we like and those we don't. I work very closely and very succesfully with some people that I don't personally like. But as a professional I can recognise their skill and together we can perform very good work. If we only learned from people we like I'd still be sitting in a corner wearing a pointy hat with D written on it. And since I was educated by the Christian Brothers I've had that done to me in real life.

JMO
Cindy

I would have found it very hard to just walk into a club the first time alone; no matter what sort of club. Meeting a couple of friends at a club was much different, and felt wonderful and liberating.

[tekla]

And since I was educated by the Christian Brothers I've had that done to me in real life.

The Jesuits that taught me always said the Christian Brothers made better wine then they did students.  Which is fine by me, there can - as we both know - be too many smart people in a room, but you can never have enough wine.

But, do you know how to shut a Jesuit up?  Like they clam up like a rock - and if know any Jesuits you'll know that a good trick.  Just ask them were in the hell the Jesuit Order gets all that money.  They are just dumbstruck.

[Cindy]

When I told the CB's that I was giving up religion I was sent to the Jesuits for a weekend 'retreat' to rescue my soul.
Bunch of ordained loonies who told stories of exorcism and 'stuff'. I was too young to know but on reflection I think they were high on something. Maybe religion, maybe not.

The CB's in Liverpool were drunk irishmen who had no respect for themselves. They did give me a very good education.  I wouldn't be the intellect I am without their help. And I do not say that with an ego, purely observation.

They were a cruel lot. If you were a Rugby player you got bye. If you were a me, you were sent to hell. I really don't think they knew what TG was, is or ever will be. Wasn't sure myself, but it was pretty damn obvious that I was female presenting. As a 'teacher' now I can see that in students, and of course other 'problems' kids have. If I can find the time to help kids now why couldn't they? Instead they would get drunk and stroke and pat you. YUK

Sorry
Cindy

[El]

Well this thread has worried me slightly, ive got my first support group meeting in a little over a week and i have been really looking forward to it and exited to finnaly meet some trans people other than myself. Norfolk isnt the most open minded place in he world and this support group meeting was really a big step on my starting transition.

From reading this thread however it seems like its going to be a lot like the endless complaining of internet trannies (no offence to the less egotistic and more helpfull people here at susans) that has helped me so little over the last couple of years.

Im also a little scared now, im quite pretty considering how little ive done towards transition yet, im 20 years old, i hope i dont get the same sort of negative attention that was mentioned earlier in the thread...............

[K8]

El,
Go with an open mind.  You are meeting a group of people.  Some have problems greater than yours – problems other than just being trans – and some may have finally figured things out.

If you go on the defensive, you are bound to have problems.  There are groups that work well and there are groups that don't work well.  If you are open, positive, and fairly sure of yourself, you will do fine whatever the mix of the group.

I enjoy the meetings when there are certain people there.  When it's full of only really strange people I find it less helpful.  When people are forthcoming and express themselves, I learn things.  When the facilitator is practically pulling teeth to get anything out of people it is pretty miserable.  Regardless, it will be an education.

Good luck with your group.  Let us know how it goes.

- Kate

[myles]

I have gone to a group here a few times. While there I met a guy who was close to my age, with kids a partner and so on and we get a long really well. Last month instead of going to the meeting we just met up and had a cup of coffee.  I will/may  still go on occasion if there is a good topic but not monthly.
Myles

[Arch]

One of our groups was basically ruined for me by a new facilitator. It was a support group, and he started to run it as a discussion group. Other people had the same problem. Some of us made our views known; nothing changed. I (and others) stopped going.

But there are other groups in my city. When I quit this group, I had some reasonable alternatives. That won't be an option for everyone. And once I knew who I could get along with, I could arrange social meetings with individuals and small groups.

I can't complain too much. With nothing else to do on that particular night, I started going to the gay men's discussion group. It's terrific. Door closes, window opens?

[Agent_J]

As others have said it all depends what you want to get out of it.

I can't completely agree with that; a large portion (perhaps the greater portion) depends on the others present, which all the good intention in the world on my part cannot change.  When dealing with a few people who actively monopolized conversation it was more like attending a lecture than any sort of group.  I realized the group had long ago gone down a certain path and there was no changing course.

From reading this thread however it seems like its going to be a lot like the endless complaining of internet trannies (no offence to the less egotistic and more helpfull people here at susans) that has helped me so little over the last couple of years.

I'd also suggest not jumping to such a conclusion.  Not all groups are made the same and there are some good ones around.  I think what tends to happen in discussions like this is the problem of self-selecting samples, where the result tends to only be those with very strong feelings about the matter.  In this case, I doubt there are too many who have particularly strong positive feelings for groups, e.g. they don't consider it the "must not miss" even of the month, but there are ones who have had strong negative experiences.

Further, speaking only for myself here, the experience is with a single group, not enough to even begin to make any sort of general statement.  However, that group also happens to be 100% of what's available to me in a reasonable distance, i.e. not an eight hour round-trip.

[Cindy]

Quote from: CindyJames on January 02, 2010, 02:06:57 am
As others have said it all depends what you want to get out of it.
I can't completely agree with that; a large portion (perhaps the greater portion) depends on the others present, which all the good intention in the world on my part cannot change.  When dealing with a few people who actively monopolized conversation it was more like attending a lecture than any sort of group.  I realized the group had long ago gone down a certain path and there was no changing course.

I suppose that if find a group monoploized and of no interest, yes I would walk away. But In my case I found a couple of people I liked enough to share a drink with and friendships started from that. But I then again, and no one take this the wrong way, I am no shrinking violet, If I find myself among a bunch of idiots I'm very likely to let them know.

Cindy

[Naturally Blonde]

I've never been to a support group so I don't know what goes on at one?

[Agent_J]

If I find myself among a bunch of idiots I'm very likely to let them know.

For the group in question, I just didn't see any value to going there, particularly since it was my therapist running the group.  I figured it was worth saving the "challenging how she does things" stock until it was something that more directly impacted me.