new here.

[xhesobelongstome]

someone on etransgender gave me this site. i'm super excited because it's exactly what i've been looking for!! here's what i put on etransgender, i don't know what else to say. i really have NO IDEA where to go from here. i'm just. wow.

I am physically a young woman, who has always been uncomfortable in her body. I think you all know the story of how it feels. The thing is, I don't want to be male, I want to be a gay male. I don't know, I'm so confused. I feel like such a weirdo. I just don't even know what to think about all this. I'm praying someone else is out there that knows what I'm even trying to say.
I knew it was presumptuous of me to assume I was the only one, but it feels like that, you know? I identified as a lesbian for quite a few years, because I really felt like I belonged within the gay community if that makes sense. But I identified with the gay males so much more than being with my girlfriend at the time. I entered into a relationship with a gay male as a joke, kind of. He liked boys and I "liked girls", and we thought it would be interesting. But it truly turned into something more, and now I realize that I am.. envious of him. I want to be him. I want to be his boyfriend. And I ache for it, and long for it, like a stake is pushed through my heart every time we have sex. Like part of my heart is missing. I don't know.

[FolkFanatic]

You're not alone. I have never been in a relationship before but the general "uncomfortable" feeling and wanting to be male is the same.

The best thing you could probably do to iron out your feelings, wants, and needs would be to talk to your general practitioner and ask for a referral to a therapist specializing in gender disorders.

He or she will be able to talk to you, figure out what it is you want and what needs to be done to get there. If you're serious about transitioning then you'll need a therapist anyway for some aspects.

I'm going to one as soon as my GP puts in my referral (promised by february). Mostly for help in "coming out" to my parents and for the legal/medical aspects when it comes to the transition. Also to have someone to talk to about it all.

Good luck!

[Janet_Girl]

Hi xhesobelongstome,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Alessandro]

I am physically a young woman, who has always been uncomfortable in her body. I think you all know the story of how it feels. The thing is, I don't want to be male, I want to be a gay male. I don't know, I'm so confused. I feel like such a weirdo. I just don't even know what to think about all this. I'm praying someone else is out there that knows what I'm even trying to say.
I knew it was presumptuous of me to assume I was the only one, but it feels like that, you know? I identified as a lesbian for quite a few years, because I really felt like I belonged within the gay community if that makes sense. But I identified with the gay males so much more than being with my girlfriend at the time. I entered into a relationship with a gay male as a joke, kind of. He liked boys and I "liked girls", and we thought it would be interesting. But it truly turned into something more, and now I realize that I am.. envious of him. I want to be him. I want to be his boyfriend. And I ache for it, and long for it, like a stake is pushed through my heart every time we have sex. Like part of my heart is missing. I don't know.

Yep I hear you.  I am a gay transman, pre-everything just starting down the nasty slow road to manhood.  Now, you aren't a wierdo.  I felt the same way as you before I found communities like this.  Gay transmen exist, its not wierd to want to be a gay man rather than a straight one.  Sexual orientation and gender identity = different things.  So don't worry about it, try and embrace your identity.  It seems to be a pattern actually amongst gay transmen to try out the lesbian community, because we identify so strongly with the gay community.  When we figure out we don't fancy women it ... is a confusing time. 

I wish I had a gay guy who was willing to have sex with me *sigh*  Ahem, anyway that aside have you spoken to him about all this, how you are feeling?  It might help.  I know from experience it is painful to be in a relationship where your gender identity isn't congruent with their view of you. 

Welcome to Susans anyway

[xhesobelongstome]

wow, i feel so welcome! thank you!!

i'm not so sure about talking to my doctor. i have military insurance.. and feel like that would be super uncomfortable. i'm making an appointment for migranes, maybe if i get the balls (hah, hah, i wish) to bring it up, i will. but i feel like i should settle more into this first? i don't even know how to say this.

Sexual orientation and gender identity = different things.

that seems like it should be "duh!" but it wasn't until this moment. that's a really good point! thanks, alessandro. as for my partner. we have been together for so long that awhile ago i told him point blank "i want to be a gay boy". he thought i was kidding. it was awkward. but then i began to cry, and he felt awful. anyhow, he still doesn't quit understand completely. in fact, i'm pretty sure he thinks of me as a tomboy and has even referred to me (jokingly) as a dyke. which seems strange, because i am very obviously not one. although, i didn't know it was pretty normal amongst gay transmen to try out the lesbian community, that's really interesting to me. it was quite confusing. anyway! back to my partner, he realizes how i feel (especially when we're in bed, i am veryyy lucky to have him! ;] ) so at least that's not really a problem, he just doesn't understand how serious i am? i don't know. maybe he thinks that it's like.. a kinky fetish i "as a straight woman" has? i don't know. i'm still not sure where to even go from here.

[Elijah3291]

I'm a gay pre everything transguy.

I, like you identified with the LGBT community even before I knew I was trans, I didn't know why, but I felt like I was connected to them in some way.  Then I thought I was a lesbian because I wanted to be masculine.. like a butch lesbian.

THEN I started identifying with guys, and realizing tht I still like men, but I also want to be a man.

Dont worry, you arent freakish or alone

[Radar]

The thing is, I don't want to be male, I want to be a gay male.

Well, a gay man is still a male.

I knew it was presumptuous of me to assume I was the only one, but it feels like that, you know?

I felt that way for a long, long time. Especially as a teenager since the internet wasn't around then and people knew less about this stuff than they do today. I just figured I was stuck and couldn't do anything about it. Then, once I knew a little more, I thought I could never transition because of several reasons. I'm tired of those reasons causing agony. I need to transition now- for myself. Now I'm ready.
Post Merge: January 15, 2010, 10:29:15 AM

It seems to be a pattern actually amongst gay transmen to try out the lesbian community, because we identify so strongly with the gay community.

Hmm, that's interesting. Even though I'm in a female body I've identified as male all my life. I like women, but since I'm a guy inside I never thought of myself as gay or a lesbian. I was never interested in the gay community or events because since I wasn't gay I couldn't relate. Your comment makes sense.

[Basiliximab]

I am physically a young woman, who has always been uncomfortable in her body. I think you all know the story of how it feels. The thing is, I don't want to be male, I want to be a gay male. I don't know, I'm so confused. I feel like such a weirdo. I just don't even know what to think about all this. I'm praying someone else is out there that knows what I'm even trying to say.

Don't worry—I felt the same way when I first identified strongly as FTM. I thought I was the only one who felt that way.

I identified as a lesbian for quite a few years, because I really felt like I belonged within the gay community if that makes sense. But I identified with the gay males so much more than being with my girlfriend at the time.

That's how it was with me. I identified with the gay community, but I couldn't figure out why because I was physically female and attracted to men. So then I thought I was a lesbian perhaps, though I never entered into a relationship with a woman; but I was open to it for a while. But I had always identified with gay men, so it never felt "right" identifying as a lesbian.

[Ryuu]

You're definitely not alone. I'm a transman, pansexual in theory but pretty much gay in practice. (Never *officially* been with a girl) There are lots of gay transmen. You don't have to be straight or hypermasculine.

[Randi]

Hi and welcome to the forums. I am MTF but you will find that we have much in common with the guys when it comes to gender issues. I have never been with a guy sexually and have always been attracted to girls-that probably won't change but I am finding that there are guys who make me melt inside-a new experience for me! Therapy is the first official thing to do if you are not sure about where you fit into the gender spectrum.

Randi

[Osiris]

As said above, you don't have to be straight or uber masculine. The goal is to be yourself.

The worst thing you can do is get out of one box and put yourself in another.

[spacial]

Hi xhesobelongstome,

I'm so pleased you came here.

It's great here though. I love etrangender because they have such interesting archives. But it is a bit like a library where they only really interesting part is Liv, (who's an absolute doll!!!!)

Anyway, great to see you and good luck.

[xhesobelongstome]

i've got to say it's absolutely thrilling to find you all, and other like me. i feel like a kid in a candy store and don't even where/how to start. i live in southern va and am really nervous about asking my dr about getting a therapist. i already have a psychiatrist (although i haven't seen him in ages). should i use him or find someone who specializes in gender "issues"? or perhaps i could start with him and he would find me someone more fitting? i can't really imagine talking to him.

i tried finding groups or something in my area, but i can't seem to locate anything. that is very disappointing. i would love to meet people in person and just talk.

As said above, you don't have to be straight or uber masculine. The goal is to be yourself.

again, good point, thanks osiris for the box comment, that's pretty eye opening. i keep forgetting sexuality and gender are different things. that adds on to the "don't know where to start" feeling though. should i focus on my gender or sexuality first? i have so many questions!

[colormyworld]

Heya! Welcome!

I totally know how you feel! I'm still very confused myself, but I'm slowly getting through that! I've always been a bit of a 'tomboy', always secretly wished I was a guy, but not one of those super muscular masculine manly men, I want to be a stereotypical gay boy, it's just how I feel inside! I've internally identified as a lesbian, at certain points in my life, but it never felt right, and I've also identified as bisexual, which I think still might be true, but bisexual leaning very much towards gay. I've always felt connected to the gay community, but connected with the guys.
I'm gay, pre-everything, starting therapy in the beginning of Feb., still not out to anyone IRL besides my counselor that helped me get into therapy.

While this forum has been a HUGE help in showing that we're not alone in these feelings, and that we're no different then any other men, gay, straight, or otherwise, I think what really solidified my feelings and made me feel confident in my desires, is when I came across Adrian Dalton. He's a FTM drag queen, but when he's not in drag, he is exactly how I feel I should be. I don't know about you, or anyone else, but I had the mindset of "I'm not going to be seen as a guy unless I'm really masculine, and I don't want to be a masculine guy, I want to be that stereotypical gay guy" And I have no desire to be a drag queen, but if I could dress in drag and still be seen as a GUY dressed as a girl, that would be amazing.

Well I've blabbed enough, hope at least some of my ramblings helped!
Post Merge: January 15, 2010, 07:27:28 PM

i've got to say it's absolutely thrilling to find you all, and other like me. i feel like a kid in a candy store and don't even where/how to start. i live in southern va and am really nervous about asking my dr about getting a therapist. i already have a psychiatrist (although i haven't seen him in ages). should i use him or find someone who specializes in gender "issues"? or perhaps i could start with him and he would find me someone more fitting? i can't really imagine talking to him.

If you already have a psychiatrist, that would probably be a good start, IMO. If he can't help you himself, he'll refer you to someone who can, or at least point you in the right direction! I know how hard it is to tell people, I'm scared out of my mind to tell anyone! But unfortunately, you have to tell *someone* in order to get help, and I think as long as you find someone, they can help you with the whole coming out process, at least I hope so!

[Osiris]

again, good point, thanks osiris for the box comment, that's pretty eye opening. i keep forgetting sexuality and gender are different things. that adds on to the "don't know where to start" feeling though. should i focus on my gender or sexuality first? i have so many questions!

I've found that sexuality sorts itself out if you let it be and don't worry about it so much. Sexuality is just attraction. We're all attracted to many different things so why shouldn't the people we're attracted to be different as well? When I was younger I had issues with sexuality because it shifts and changes, especially when you're in your teens. For a while I thought I was bi, then I thought I was straight, then i thought I was gay, then I'd be back to bi. You can see how confusing that is even without throwing the gender stuff in the mix.

Life becomes simpler when you stop going "am I gay? am I straight? am I a man? What does being a man make me gay? Does being a woman make me straight?"

See what I mean? So my advice is to just let the sexuality thing go, let it work itself out and just concentrate on you. If you're not happy with yourself how the hell you gonna be happy with someone else?

[xhesobelongstome]

but not one of those super muscular masculine manly men, I want to be a stereotypical gay boy

it's like you're taking the words out of my head. i know i need to get a therapist. i keep wanting to put it off but i know it would be good to me. the issue is finding one around here.

Life becomes simpler when you stop going "am I gay? am I straight? am I a man? What does being a man make me gay? Does being a woman make me straight?"

you're right (again). i guess i should focus on figuring out who i want to be, and the rest will follow, huh? no matter what, i am going to be with my current partner. he is my one and only we talked alot about all of this today and he is so very supportive. i'm so lucky. i ordered stuff to begin packing and we're both so excited for it to get here. we'll take steps together, and start off slow i think. but i'm happy to have him with me! just wish telling my friends would be easier.