Having struggled for over 50 years to come to terms with my gender identity problem, ultimately coming to recognize that I was TS, and even getting a definitive diagnosis from a therapist, why haven't I actually transitioned yet? In trying to understand this, I have to look at the barriers, real and imaginary, that have held me back. Here are some of the possible reasons I have considered.
Age - Probably not a barrier. Although I am on the late side of my 50's, and I read enviously of the "young and prettys", I don't think this is a factor that prevents me from moving ahead. Unfortunately, it has take many years to reach the understanding of my condition that I have now. Living as a woman would be worth it, even as an old woman.
Financial/employment - Not really a barrier. Here's an area where being older may be a benifit. I am in my late 50's. Luckily, I have stayed employed throughout most of my career and managed to save for retirement. I'm now at a point where I can see a time when I may not have to work full-time to support myself or else work in a lesser capacity to get by. In the event that my marriage didn't last, it would be more difficult financially, but probably doable.
Self confidence - Probably not a barrier. I've been a shy person all of my life. The idea of doing anything that draws attention to myself has always been unfomfortable. So, here I go and consider probably the worst thing I could do to avoid unwelcome attention. Sounds crazy, doesn't it. As I've gotten older, I have gained more self-confidence, or maybe I just care less. I think I have reached a point where I can say, "take me or leave me, but let me be me." This is something I know I need to work on regardless of whether I transition or not.
Passing/not passing - Maybe a barrier, but probably not. Could I pass? Possibly, but, like most, I need to work on this, and it wouldn't come easily. As I've watched women around me, I can see that there is a huge variation among genetic women in their ability to look feminine. I now believe, more than I used to, that attitude is the biggest consideration. Also, I'd rather be an ugly, masuculine woman than remain a man and feel what I feel inside.
Pain - This has never been a barrier to me. I know there is physical pain and discomfort to face in getting through electro and in surgery. These don't frighten me. They're nothing compared to the mental pain I've felt for years due to my condition.
Fear - I certainly don't fear the pain involved. My fears are more emotional. I fear being alone with no one in my life. I fear being an old woman and being by myself. Being older, these fears may be more real to me than are to younger transitioners. There is more time for them to find a new life with someone. In spite of these fears, I don't think these are things that keep me from moving forward.
Loss of sexual response - I know that there is always the risk that surgery may leave you unresponsive, sexually. When I was younger, this might have been a bigger concern, but it no longer is. I can envision living happily with a range of sexual expression, from being completely asexual, to lesbian, to hetero, to bi. Although I would like to be a fully responsive female, it isn't a requirement.
Long term inconvenience - There are things like dilation, taking hormones forever, etc. that are not things that I would look forward too, but they are a price worth paying. There are inconveniences of being a genetic woman that I will never experience and always wish I had. These include menstration, yeast infections, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Probably the thing that appeals the least to me is that I may need to use a wig to be passable. This is also something I could cope with. There are many convincing woman who have thinning hair. A post-op friend of my has found that a partial wig is very comfortable and convincing. Again, none of these are show-stoppers for me.
Family - This is the one that stops me everytime. Having grown up in a distant, disfunctional family, I always knew that having a close, loving relationship with my wife and children was extremely important to me. I have been lucky in finding a spouse who has been the best partner I could have wished for. My relationship with my grown children is very good. We are very close. Hurting any of them is the last thing in the world I would ever want to do. I know my transitioning would be hard for them to understand and hard for them to cope with on a personal basis. My wife has always been aware of my gender problem and has evolved in her understanding of its severity as I have. I know she loves me and wants the best for me, but she couldn't continue in our marriage if I transitioned. She has said she will support me in everyway she can, but not as a spouse if that happened.
So, I'm left with a dilemma that has no good answer. Both choices involve losses that are earth shattering in their proportions. Both choices will leave me with a void that can't be filled. My solution, to date, has been to "stay the course" (sorry to use that cliche, but I couldn't resist) while allowing myself select or occasional avenues of release for my feminine side. My wife does her best to accept this, and I try my best to accept it. It's not easy for either of us, and I don't know how long it will continue to work. I know that, if my relationship with my wife and children were lost, there would be nothing holding me back, but I also know this would be a great loss in my life, so I keep working at it. Somedays, I know I will have to transition, but I tell myself to go another day or two. So far, I have been able to pull myself back from the edge each time and continue. One of these times, I may not be able to again. Then I'm sure I will wonder why I never acted sooner and regret all the time I could have been a woman, but, then, I would never have experienced the happiness I have in my marriage.
No answers here ... just continuing questions and attempts to make sense of it. Please excuse my rambling, self-absorbed essay Thanks for listening.
Steph
