help!

[caliash]

Ok,so I'm not really a 'significant other' but I needed somewhere to go and talk. I met this girl online a week ago and we clicked so well and I feel a lot for her and like her a lot!! We would write to each other like a couple times a day. She lives in on the East Coast and I live in the West. She feels a lot for me and I just couldn't like her 'that way' at least not until we met. Yesteday she sent me an email and she told me that she was intersexed and she was scared of losing me and our connection. I told her I'll wanna be her friend but can't deal w/ dating some1 who is intersexed even if she did have the surgery. Is it wrong to wanna date some1 who is a woman and has been all along? I felt so bad for possibly hurting her feelings while revealing mine to her.

[HelenW]

I felt so bad for possibly hurting her feelings while revealing mine to her.

"Possibly" hurting her feelings?

You might as well have told her you couldn't date because she's latino or jewish or because her parents came from the wrong side of the tracks.  Don't kid yourself.  I can't imagine her NOT feeling hurt being dumped for something she had no control over, something she was born with.

May I suggest that you read the information in our WIKI and elsewhere on the www to find out what "intersexed" means and what the issues are for those born with the condition.  I'm not even sure you really know what it is.

If you have any more questions, of course feel free to ask.

helen

[Bob]

I aplaud your bravery in posting and asking for help , because that act shows that you may have a doubt that your feelings are wrong, which in my view are !
People are people, you eather like them for what they are or you don't . finding out that she is "Intersexed" what ever in the world that is ... shouldn't have anything to do with it... it may be a Part of her that you don't like as much as the rest but that is about as far as it should go.
Your predijust IS painfull to her, make no mistake about that, and if I were you I'ed try very hard to make amends.   she was being Honnest with you, and you with her so all in all that is good but do not stop comunicateing, work it out !
My telling you you are wrong won't help you in the slightest but it will give you a bit of a doubt that you may not be so correct as you thought you were, and that is a good starting place for you to learn from.
its been my experience that Gals on the whole are more apt to love each other ( same sex) then men are, that doesn't make them LESS of a woman by any means, it means they have a big hart ! many gals missconstrue this as being gay or bi-sexual when all it realy means is they find it easy to love anyone. and there is a big diference.
what ever the case may be,  You made the right move in comeing here and posting. simply because you need educated.  All your life so far you have been educated in a very Biased fashion, here you will get the other side of the story, you then make up your own mind as to what is right and what is wrong.
here you will be educated with views you never hurd of before, logic that is stagering, and a sense of whats right for that person,  that you don't normially see in every day life.
so stick arround ! <grin>

Bob.......

[Peggiann]

Welcome Caliash,

S.O refers to persons in a some type of relationship with another person in ones life that one cares about. So yes you qualify.

I can not speak for others but would guess myself included there are none here whom have at one point or another made a statement or used actions, even left posts in this life time that were offences in one way or another to some one.

Here at Susan's we are for the most part, open to sharing our opinions often without being asked and definately some will when asked to. 😉 We are however not supposed to be judgemental of other members. If you have not read the rules please do so. I take a minute to read over them every so often even though I have been a member for a year now.

The way you worded your post is why the type of replies you are  going to receive some in the same tone and strength pointing out wrong and right. I however feel that it is not a matter of wrong or right just a matter of preference. Each and every person born has those rights of preference and it is not for another to say whom is right or wrong in what they base these choices on.

Communication and honesty is very important from the beginnning of a relationship, even just, non attached, unconnected in the romantic sence type relationships. When one finds themselves moving into more of a connection type or committed type relationship, honesty is a must.

I applaud your new found friend for being honest and up front with you so early on in your relationship. I commend your honest response as well. Maybe time will help you develope a more gentle choice of words and soften what you say when you honestly put them in to written word. It is very difficult to say things in written word, without the help of eye contact and voice tone to soften them so as not to come across hurtful. And maybe your choice of words are limited if English is not you first language. People tend to be more understanding if this is the case.

I dare say your new found friend knew the risks of being open with you as she shared with you she was afraid of loosing your connection. She also wanted your honesty and expected no less from you than your being truthful. That you were. And you have nothing to be sorry for...other than the degree of sensitivity you may have stated your response to her with.

As for having made her feel she was a man in your eyes...I feel you would have to be less than honest and blamed your feelings on something other than what she shared, say like you prefer blonds. It just wouldn't have flown and she would have suspected. The way it was brought out by her, any reply other than "It makes no difference to you", couldn't raise thoughts of anything else in her mind.

I have no idea of your educational level, but I would have to say that unless you have been in a progressive school system where alternative life styles are taught in their program, you would not have been very prepared to be educated in areas of intersexed relationships. Other than that of the training in church and home. I don't recall this being taught in Sunday school classes growing up either, nor in youth group. It wasn't something spoke openly about. As mentioned in earlier posts this site has the material to educate yourself so you can understand her issues and offer her the support she needs and allow you to move on through life with a more gentle  way of expressing your feelings honestly and supportively.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Bob]

Thank You Peggiann !
You said what My fingers could not,
though I do think I have the right to dislike Predijust in any form, I some times need to be reminded that people feel predjustes because of their past experiences some times, and some quarter should be given in that case !
...
I am an out spoken individual, you all know that , and many times I put my very own foot in my mouth because of it.  I have learned through Life that some things are right and some things are wrong along with much grey airea. it is totally unreasonable
for me to think another would have these same views.
therefore I am guilty of passing judgment upon others. and for this I appoligize.
you are right in that Peggiann, it is something we shouldn't do !
...
We each have our Own set of right and wrongs in our heads and we keep them untill education or preswasion removes them or changes our minds.
this is what gives each of us our right to say what we believe is RIGHT or WRONG
we constantly try to explain our points of view to justify our beliefs, to prove to our selves and others that we are RIGHT in the first place.
Many times this can be harsh, and there is no way around the harshness but it is what we Humans do.
believeing that there is no Right and No wrong has its merrits but it is impractiacl and cannot stand up to close scrutiney. because there are truths in this world , and if there are truths, there must also be wrongs.
....
My 2 coppers...
Bob......

[Peggiann]

No problam Bob.

I just felt It needed said. I remember coming to Susan's fresh and green, not educated and felt some things said sounded harsh sometimes. Then I told myself to imagine the pleasent, smiling understanding tone some posts then came across a little less hurtful.
I try to speak how I would want to be spoken to as I write posts. I try to take my shoes and socks off before attempting to slip imaginatively into anothers shoes, in order to feel more clearly what it is they are going through. Works for me a majority of the time. This helps me to get more of a panoramic view of things too. I too slip up sometimes and miss the mark.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Smiles,
Peggiann