Hi everyone

[indecisivelife]

Hi everyone,
I am a man that is deeply confused about where to start... I am going to poor my heart out for the first time on here and I hope someone has some good advice.... I remember going to sleep at night as a child wishing and praying I might wake up as a woman when I woke.  Later I came out to my mother and she was accepting of me as gay but she always said that as long I didn't dress as a woman she would be ok. I remember dressing in my step mothers clothing and it made me feel so much more comfortable and safe however my father didn't like it very much as you can probably imagine...  I am now 28 and I feel that I am just not this man that I was born as.. I've had a few relationships but they have all fallen through I have never been able to be a top since I am completely and utterly a bottom and loose an erection even thinking about topping a man, also I have never fit in with the gay community in a romantic since I have only been attracted to straight men and my friends are mostly woman. My last long term relationship lasted for 3 1/2 years but we never had sex once due to him being HIV positive but I felt comfortable with him,,, it was the best relationship I had since sex was not involved. I don't know what to do I know I'm not happy with who I am but I don't know where to start... I know I'm happy and comfortable dressing as a woman, I also know that I am only attracted to straight men.  Please help if you can i feel lost and anxiety and now depression are taking over my life which no amount of paxil can fix... I have seen a psychiatrist and mentioned this issue on our first meeting but she never brought it back up again and I never had the guts to talk about it again.  Please help if you can I just need a first step to begin, unfortunately I live in a smaller community (college station tx) and I know I cannot go out to a store to buy womans clothing. I would like to start dressing as a woman at home and gradually move to going out to our gay bar here and hopefully further after that but I'm just scared... Am I the only person that has gone through this? am I just disillusioning myself and I'm just a gay man confused that needs to suck it up and get some more self esteem... any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks,

Austin

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Austin,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
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First off, get a gender therapist.  second of all, why are you worried about buying clothes?  It isn't against the law to buy something cute for your wife, girlfriend or sister.  The last thing I can say is be open with yourself.  There is nothing to be shamed of.  Forget what every other sheep thinks, you have to be your own person.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Flan]

howdy

The standard answer I'll give is to seek the advice of a therapist who deals with gender variant clients.

nobody can define who you are as a person, except yourself.
splitting up the aspects of gender may make the discovery process a little easier to better sort internal feelings vs social role and expression.

one simple question would be, if your penis was severed or damaged beyond repair, how would you feel about it. it's not a question about sexuality but the symbolism of the genital anatomy, as in "does the body fit the internal map in my mind".

ps: don't confuse sexuality with gender identity, after you figure out the "who am I" question then feel free to think about bedroom "friends".

[Cindy]

Hi Austin,

Same sort of story from many people here. But guess what? You are no longer alone. Many of the MtF have been through similar thoughts, many of my brothers on this site have gone through the same in reverse.

There in nothing wrong with you. You are a perfectly normal human being who deserves the right and respect that every other human deserves. You are not to blame yourself. You and I and others have been dealt a lousy set of genes that didn't get our bodies right. So we deal with it as best we can.

As FlanHuskey said try and see a therapist. I presume you are in the USA, I'm in Australia so maybe not much use to you geographically. But the USA seems to have a good system in place for GID. I know it is a hard track, but Honey, it now become a little easier knowing you are not alone.

Hugs

Cindy

[indecisivelife]

Thank you so much for your support and guidance, I never new there were gender therapists.  I searched for one last night in my area but as I thought there were none.  Has anyone used the online therapists I found http://www.gendertherapist.com/ but I'm not sure if it is worthwhile spending 200 for 4 sessions. Thanks.

[Janet_Girl]

That is Nero's therapist and he swears by him.  I think a couple of others are using him too.  I might contact him when I need letters for SRS.

[indecisivelife]

Thanks Janet, 

I did a google search for him and found a thread on this forum
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=52723.0 
I'll be contacting him later this week

[runngirl84]

Hi Austin,

I also just joined this community, and I think I'm in a very similar situation as you. I'm 25, still male, and living in Orange County, CA (Probably just as conservative as College Station, TX).... I did just go out and buy my first bra this past week, and it was anxiety-inducing to say the least. I'd love to connect with you, and we can probably help each other though a lot of this initial 'figuring it out' stuff!

-Mika

[cynthialee]

Welcome to the group. As others have said you are in good company. You have a medical issue not a mental one. There is a way to fix it albiet an imperfect one at this time.
This is a good site with some really good people on it.
We are a comunity of gender varient people that share a common interest in support and friendship. When you hear it is a family, do not doubt it. Even the people here that get on my nerves are like sisters and brothers. You are going to find that you share a common story with so many other transpersons that the sense of kinship comes like second nature. All you need to do is be sincere with yourself and others.
Not all paths are easy and some indeed are very dificult but with a little friendship and suport you will find the burden lifted somewhat.
I have only been on Susans for a few months but in that time I have grown so much with the help of these wonderful people.
Anyways welcome to the group.
Cynthia Lee