Hi.
My name is Kes. Well...not really, but that's what I'll go by for now. I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I figured it's worth a try. Maybe ya'll could point me in the right direction if I'm not? Heh.
Anyway, onto the basics. I'm a 26 year old retail worker, bookaholic, expert geek, wanna-be writer, and...utterly miserable, to be blunt. I've been stuck in a dark little hole for years now, struggling to figure out why I was there, why I couldn't get out, and just what the h-e-double –L my problem was. I can look back and see where my life began to nose-dive, where I started to get so depressed that school grades, friendship, hobbies, and dreams suffered...it's just been finding the cause and the cure that's been the problem.
I've always known that there was something not...right....about me. When I was little, I never liked to play 'house' or 'dolls' or whatever (I had barbies...but they were ritually fed to my plastic dinosaurs, hehe!). When my friends wanted to play-act, I always refused to be the 'mom' or whatever in their game. I wanted to be the dad, or the pet, or something like that. (they never argued, as for some reason unfathomable to me, the 'mom' was always the coveted position in the 'family game'). Dresses, purses, fancy shoes...I never went for any of that either. They always made me feel like I was utterly conspicuous and ridiculous looking, and I hated them. Still do, and won't wear a dress or carry a purse on pain of death. When I was in elementary school and onto high school, I suffered from a bit of an ego trip. I though my different-ness from everyone else was because I was better than them...that I was smarter, and just 'above' all of the girly, gender related crap that my peers were into. I couldn't understand why they were playing with makeup and giggling over the boys in Seventeen magazine, while they couldn't understand why I was perfectly happy with a Stephen King novel and a sketchbook. I remember I avoided wearing a bra as long as I could, and refused to wear form-fitting t-shirts for years. I still don't wear a regular bra...just sports bras, because they aren't nearly as feminine to me...more like a short tank top, really. (At least, that's how my twisted mind explains it away!).
Making friends has always been an issue for me too...partially because I've spent so much of my life a loner, and also because I don't feel comfortable with myself. My self-esteem is zilch. I have trouble talking to girls because I get uncomfortable when they start talking about 'girl' things, and I have trouble talking with guys because I'm always paranoid that they're 'interested.' Grr!
My life has gotten to a point recently where something has to change. I have been unable to accomplish anything, or get anywhere in my life because of the....hole...of misery I've been stuck in, and I've realized that I have to fix myself to fix my life.
Ironically, it was a comment made in World of Warcraft that got me thinking about the transgender community. (I told you I'm a geek.) A fellow gamer I'd talked to but never played with saw my character, a male elf, for the first time, and made the comment "You play a MALE elf? Why male?" My response was simply that "Well...the boys are more fun." But that comment got me thinking. All the characters I play in Warcraft, and have ever played in any game of any kind, have always been male. The main characters in the stories I write are always male. Every idol or hero I've ever had has been male. The people I would most want to be are male. My mother frequently chides me for wearing men's pants and boots, because I can never find anything in the women's department.
Something clicked, and I started to really think about all of that. I realized that though I'd referred to myself as female when necessary, I'd never identified as a girl, lady, or woman. It irks me when people try to treat me like a girl (opening doors, lifting heavy things, asking me if I read Nicholas Sparks...gah! I've always wanted to be 'just one of the guys.' I realized, too, that my aspirations for the future are decidedly male in my head. I want to be a film director and actor (no, no Hollywood dreams! Just little gigs) but I can't imagine myself playing a female role (ok, I admit, playing someone like Trinity in The Matrix would be pretty freaking cool!). And for film directing...most of the big timers are male! I was somewhat disturbed to realize recently that even when I'm dreaming, I'm always a guy....But, I'm not attracted to girls at all. I find men attractive (very rarely though, to be honest), and that adds to my confusion.
Despite all the above, I don't really know what that means for me. Does it mean I am transgendered and gay? Or simply not mentally a girl? I don't know. As soon as I manage to track down a mental health professional with experience in gender issues, I'm going to see if therapy will help me figure it out.
Thank you to anyone who read this. I hope you'll forgive the rambling nature of the introduction...this was partially me organizing my thoughts, and partially me trying to figure things out by 'vocalizing' it to someone. So, essentially, thanks for listening.
