The dysphoria. . .the dysphoria sucks. I don't like going to bed every night and having a good cry before I sleep. I know I'm a wimp about it all, but damn how else do I get these feelings out? Aggression? I don't have aggression. I'm passive aggressive, it's not a good way to deal with things.
But really, I talked a bit today. First off, my mother still thinks I'm delusional. She does not neglect to tell me how beautiful I am all the time. It seems so exaggerated now compared to before. And had a talk with my boyfriend (on an unrelated note, I don't like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" so I will simply call him "my mate") and after realizing himself and admitting that he is essentially conservative, and does not understand why some people cannot simply deal with things the way they are, I realized one of the other crappy things about being trans.
Not a socially acceptable condition. I know that I knew this, but I really realized it now. And there are probably plenty of people that will never quite think of me as a man, irritatingly these will be the people that I care about the most. Now they don't, and it's regrettable but I can understand. I'm not really masculine, just not really at all feminine. But I will always be a "woman trying to be a man" or "woman pretending to be a man" or just really delusional.
I understand that it's a mental condition, but I didn't make it up. It's a real mental condition, I'm experiencing some real distress and there's really a way to fix it (at least partially.) People don't take me seriously, and it's frustrating. My mom will most likely never accept me this way. She's conservative, not very open minded, raised real old-fashioned. My father is a little confused, but seems like my best bet. He's open. And my mate, well he says he's fine with it but I guess we'll see how it goes if and when I get on hormones.
They really just essentially don't get it and have already made their assumptions about it. Or, I simply don't fit into their black and white world. Bit of ugly gray on the fringe, can't change the system so we'll just ignore it. If forced to deal with it, well, I don't think they would know what to do. Just, a lot of people really disapprove of me for something that I (at least don't think) didn't choose. I guess it's a bit akin to racism, in that race isn't really chosen. Although not so much because there are probably far greater numbers of people who think that transsexuals are just making it up than people who think that black people chose to be black (or really, insert your race of preference here.)
