How do you deal with pronoun slips in public?

[Jamie-o]

First a little background info for those of you who don't know:  I'm FtM and have been on T for just under a year now.  I'm living full time as male and am out to all my friends and family, except for a few relatives that I haven't seen in years.  I live in a small town, so undoubtedly a lot of people know about me, but I don't go around introducing myself as the local ->-bleeped-<-.  It's just not something I'm comfortable discussing, and I'm getting to the point where I really just want to be taken as a guy and not have to wonder whether the person I'm talking to sees me as a "real" man or not. 

Anyway, I was invited out to dinner with my mom by some of her neighbors.  The neighbors know, but there were a few other people at the dinner that I was meeting for the first time.  Now, my mom is trying very hard to be supportive, but she still slips up on the pronouns.  A lot.  So there I was talking to someone I had just met and been introduced to as "Jamison" and my mom keeps calling me "she".  Not just the occasional slip that can be laughed off, but five or six times in a row.  Aarrgh!  I feel as if I can't win in that situation.  If I ignore it, she'll just keep doing it.  But if I make a big deal of it, it just makes it obvious to everyone that there's something going on.  I really don't want to have to explain my personal history to a bunch of strangers.  I'm getting to the point that I don't want to go out in public with my mom because she keeps accidentally outing me.  I pointed it out to her on the way home, and she apologized (for the hundredth time), BUT ... *sigh*

So, how would you deal with the situation?

[rejennyrated]

I think I might actually be tempted to retaliate in kind...

In other words occasionaly start referring to your mum as He - and let her see how it feels! Not in a nasty way... in the spirit of education.

It's difficult for me to say because thankfully I haven't ever experienced it, although to my immense chagrin and dismay I did once accidentally do it myself! You would think I would know better but it seems that sometimes old habits do indeed die hard and when you have known someone in one role for many years it is difficult to adjust, even if you have been there yourself! 

But I think my admittedly slightly tongue in cheek suggestion, if done in a spirit of education or perhaps slightly jokingly might actually work. Something along the lines that when she slips up you look at the people who are now perhaps wondering about you, point at you mother and say with a wink "oh don't mind HIM, HE does that all the time..."

[blackMamba]

Your frustration is totally understandable.  Family members, particularly parents, are notorious for pronoun slippage.  The fact that you have repeatedly pointed this out to her and she still does it, suggests she is having a hard time accepting your transition.   I have a friend who has been post-op for 5+ years that is sometimes referred to by her mom using her old name, it drives her absolutely nuts.  It happens to me too and to many of my friends.     

The only thing I can suggest is to keep reminding her and tell her how important this is to you.  And this is one way she can show her support for you.  Hopefully she will start getting it.  ((hugs))

[Ender]

Yeah.  Happens to me all the time with my grandmother, sometimes with parents, almost all the time with relatives that I don't see often.  I don't really do much, to be honest.  I remind them after we're away from other people, but I don't make a big deal of it in front of others.  Seems it would make things even more awkward.

Some of my family members, I think all it's gonna take is time.  With my grandmother... she likes to loudly introduce me as her granddaughter.  It really comes down to: do I want to still spend time time with her, or do I want to avoid my octogenarian grandmother because she can't wrap her head around a sex 'change'?  I'd rather spend time with her while she's still around, so I just shrug off the rest.

[spacial]

I don't know your mom. But could you say to everyone, with a small smile, 'My mom always wanted a boy!'

[K8]

I don't know your mom. But could you say to everyone, with a small smile, 'My mom always wanted a boy!'

I like that.

Your situation, Jamie, sounds like mine - small town, many but not everyone knows, etc.

It happens to me.  I just quietly correct them.  I'm not as touchy about it as I was, but I still always automatically throw in a she or a Kate where needed.  I'm quiet and not insistent and sometimes they don't even notice, but it is kind of automatic with me.

"Did you know his [her] wife [spouse] died a few years ago?  *Male-name* [Kate], when was that?"  It isn't like the new person can't figure out what is going on, but I figure eventually - perhaps in another ten years - I won't have to deal with it anymore.

- Kate

[LordKAT]

I refuse to be seen with family who don't try at any place that has non family around. It got my mother to at least use the right name.

[Arch]

Well, if it were happening to me, I'd just stop spending time with her--and I'd let her know why. But that sounds too extreme for your situation.

Spacial's suggestion is funny and lighthearted, but I would change it to, "My mom always wanted a girl."

After her first slip-up in such a situation, is there any way you could pull her aside and point out her error, quietly and politely? Or were all of these slips in quick succession in one conversation that could not be easily interrupted?

In the past, how have you handled these situations after the fact? If you bring it to her attention, how does she explain herself? Is she just forgetful, or is she having a hard time accepting you? Or is it something else?

Sorry about all the questions. Inquiring minds want to know.

[Janet_Girl]

Maybe a 2X4? jk

I use "Excuse Me?!?" with a smile.  The next time is a dirty look. 

Although Spacial's suggestion is a good way to defuse the issue.

[Autumn]

Start telling people she's going senile.

And too would stop going anywhere with her, it sounds like it's a passive-aggressive stance.

[Eva Marie]

In other words occasionaly start referring to your mum as He - and let her see how it feels! Not in a nasty way... in the spirit of education.

I like this suggestion  It makes your point rather quickly.

[SarahFaceDoom]

If it's just an occasional slip, just don't say anything or draw attention to it, and move on with the conversation.  The strangers in your company will just think she misspoke(which happens a lot anyways). 

The worst though is when people try and correct themselves and bring you in on it making it into this whole thing where they are confused by what to say, and it's just like "do I look like you should be saying he?"

If it's really bad stop going places with your mom.  She'll get the hint.  One thing that will help though is if you socialize her around friends that get the pronouns right, and that way she can kind of be trained by your friends by feeling like the weird one for not getting the pronouns right.

[Hannah]

I don't know your mom. But could you say to everyone, with a small smile, 'My mom always wanted a boy!'

freaking ingenious

[Muffin]

I questioned my mum on the same thing a while back and she gave a good reason I think, ..uum she said something like "I've know you as [old name] for so long that I'm just used to calling you that". It's true and sure enough some people can make the switch over night but some take time, a lot more time. They just don't process information the same way.
I'd say the suggestions in this thread so far are worth trying, maybe it's time to play hard ball, fight fire with fire to try and snap her out of it. Make it really rreeaaalllllllllyyy well know just how much it really bothers you and the lengths you're willing to go to change things. Because a year is a long time and if you feel that is long enough and that she isn't even trying after all that time then yeah... get the whip out.
My parents started trying around the fifth-sixth month mark when I started passing more, I guess for them the old name and old pronouns just stopped feeling 'right' to them? But everyone's different.

[Jamie-o]

After her first slip-up in such a situation, is there any way you could pull her aside and point out her error, quietly and politely? Or were all of these slips in quick succession in one conversation that could not be easily interrupted?

Unfortunately, we were seated at a dinner table, so there was no "pulling aside".  And yes, they were in quick succession in one discussion. 

In the past, how have you handled these situations after the fact? If you bring it to her attention, how does she explain herself?

I've waited until we were alone and pointed out that she used the wrong name and/or pronoun.  She always apologizes and says "I'm sorry!  I'm trying, I really am.  It's just that I've been calling you 'she' for over 30 years.  It's so hard to change." 

I also tried pointing out that when she accidentally outs me in public that she may potentially be putting me in danger.  She's made more of an effort to get it right since then, but when she gets carried away in conversation, it just all goes out the window.

Is she just forgetful, or is she having a hard time accepting you? Or is it something else?

I think it's a little of both.  She's always had a tendency to mix words around.  Long before I transitioned she used to call me by her sister's name or my dad's name on a regular basis.  But at the same time, she did always want a daughter, and I'm her only child, so it's no doubt very hard for her.  I don't think it's a deliberate thing, but it may very well be a subconscious refusal to accept the change.  And in all fairness, yes, she has known for about a year, but I didn't ask her to start using the new name and pronouns until I officially changed my name last September, so it's only been about 5 months. 

I know she really is making an effort, which is a lot more than many of us get, so I'm grateful for that.  It just gets frustrating.  And I'm never sure in the moment how to handle it without just drawing more attention to myself. 

Thank you all for your replies.  I may try a few of your suggestions. 

[sneakersjay]

I don't see my family often, so even 19 months later they slip up.  I'm rarely with them in public, so i haven't made a huge deal out of it.  They address things to my right name (Dad from the beginning, Mom just starting to) and have changed legal stuff (wills) to reflect my new name and 'son'.

They are in their 70s now and I did point out to my mom that if she kept calling me she, that people would think she was losing it  (since I don't look remotely F any more!).  That helped.

One guy I know, who was also passing 100%, had his dad introduce him to someone by saying "I see you met my daughter!"  All he could do was an eye roll and made a gesture to imply his dad must have been drinking, to which the person smiled like they understood.  Later he told his dad that outing him could get him killed in the wrong situation, which helped.

Funny thing happened to me last week when I went to my primary doc for the first time since transitioning.  I've always liked her, and so since I need a good physical and tests and such prior to my surgery, I figure now is the time to  re-establish my relationship with her.  I had to make the appt under my F name, as the doc is not taking new patients, which I did over the phone.  I walked in, stated my last name, and that I had an appt.  She pulls my file, which is clearly F, and doesn't so much as do a double take.  No shock, surprise, nothing.  All she said, in a very matter of fact voice, was that oh it's been a while since you've been here.  To which I replied yes.  But then the nurse didn't wait for the updated info and called F name.  I waited a minute (still filling out the form) to respond.  And once inside said my name is M name now.

Not sure if they have other trans patients or not; don't think so after talking to my doc who kept saying wow over and over, LOL.  But she was fine with stuff.

Jay

[milktea]

my folks don't have this problem with pronouns (b'cos he/she sounds the same in my language) but they still kind of treat me like a son, esp. my dad 

[Keroppi]

I'm waiting for the day I come out to them and wondering how they're going to be referring to me then. At the moment, on the times when I'm not referred to by my full name, they get my attention by shouting "little bother" in our native language. That's not going to work in the future.