Why I want to be a woman

[Jester]

It's been really bothering me that I couldn't come to any sorts of conclusions on why it was that I wanted to be a woman besides esoteric pseudo-reasons.

Today I was out shopping and I figured it out.  It's the sexuality that women can just access and flaunt whenever they want.  There are some guys who do this, but everybody hates them.  And how awesome it is to intentionally go out and y'know, do your hair, and your make-up "Does this outfit look good?  How about this one?" It's such an intentional manner in which to go about your identity, not at all the way most guys do it where their identities are happy accidents.  Then you go out, throw your shoulders back and shake your hair, saunter like you're wearing heels even when you're not and you have this feeling of confidence.  A feeling of power.  I wasn't even dressed when I went out today, and I was turning heads just because I was in a feminine mood.  I think most of the people that saw me in passing today must have thought I was a girl.  (To be fair, I do have a very feminine face.)

But yeah.  It's just nice to look good, and have people acknowledging that you look good.

[MsFierce]

It is a great feeling being a woman.

[Julie Wilson]

Being on the web and seeing... reading about "trans" stuff kinda freaks me out a little bit.  But, having GID is "freaky" for lack of a better word.  And having the wrong 'brain sex' for your body and your life is a real puzzling situation or a real "conundrum".

I think that most of us really try to make the most of what life forced on us.  I did my best to be "male". I tried to fulfill my "obligations" to be male.  I even overcompensated, I really tried and gave it my best shot.  And when I considered my plight and the thing between my legs, it seemed obvious that I was "male", I mean I was sane and the thing between my legs was obviously a "male" thing.

And I was poor, I had no Internet, no computer and I didn't know about all the options.  I didn't know there was such a thing as FFS.  I didn't know I could have GRS or SRS.  I thought people who transitioned were "movie stars" or well-to-do television celebrities, people who had the means that I lacked.  And I really didn't know anything about anything regarding "transition".

So being stuck as "male", and having my entire life be a consequence of being "male", I had a lot of self doubts and in fact not so much doubts but I just didn't know anything else.  My life and my body were against me and all I had were some feeble "ideas".

Ten years later and being on the other side of transition, I realize that I in fact was never male.  But it is because our bodies, our lives and our experiences shape our ideas.

I remember hearing people talk about how they wore women's clothes when they were three years old and all the crazy stories about how when they were three years old they knew they were female, etc.  It seemed like people told those sorts of stories (on the web) in order to justify transition or in order to set themselves above other transitioners or to validate themselves.

But I remember how my own mother shamed me and referred to me with derogatory words, suggesting that I acted gay or queer, referring to me as a little "->-bleeped-<-got" in order to try and make me like normal boys.  My mother was and is a hyper-religious Catholic and no doubt whoever I was got shamed out of me at an early age.  What ever I was got frightened out of me.  And I was told what I was and how to act and I needed the acceptance of my parents as a child.  So I didn't become one of those wonder kids who wore women's clothing at the age of three and told everyone I was a girl.  I just tried to fit in and not get hurt.

But what I am saying is that being on the entry side of transition, our ideas about ourselves tend to be a product of not being the right sex (on the outside).  The dysphoria seems to worsen with time.  I remember how when I was on the entry side of transition how everytime I said I was a "woman", what I was really saying was that being male was wrong for me.  It was obvious that I was not a woman like women were.  I was for lack of a better phrase, preparing for battle, battle against preconceived ideas about me.  Battle against my body, battle against my life.  I was going to murder the male in me, kill it, destroy it and come out on the exit side of transition as a female.

Still... at the time I really didn't know I was going to be victorious and honestly I never knew I would ever make it this far.  And my ideas reflected my lack of knowledge.  My statements about myself reflected my ignorance and lack of experience.

So when I read what you say about wanting to be a woman, it reminds me of seeing being a woman as something that was outside of me.  But being a woman is something that is inside of you, you just have to feed it and nourish it and allow it to grow.  Being a woman is something inside of you and when you care for it, make sacrifices for it, overcome fears for it, work hard and accomplish goals for it, then it becomes like it is for other women, something that is outside of you as well as inside of you.  And for me that is what transition is all about.  And my ideas now are much like the ideas of other women.  Of course I am a woman, I never "wanted" to be a woman, I had to be a woman because that is what I am and that is what I have always been.

[tekla]

Men are in fact just as multi-dimensional as women are, just in slightly different ways.  Though it may not be as blatantly obvious, many guys take a lot of pride/interest/attention to their grooming.

And, I think that guys work just as hard to create an identity as women do.  That's it's a different kind of identity, is not to dismiss it out of hand.

[Nicky]

I agree with T.

I think our perceptions are colored by the fact that mt? trans people, aside from the trans men, are not men. So it feels hollow to us. Our own masculine constructed personas are ultimately shellow things, a veneer over our true selves and lacking the dimensions a male has.

[Arch]

Hmm. People have different approaches to themselves and how they see their identity. Are you a man who wants to be a woman so that you can have access to what women seem to have so easily, or do you feel that you're a woman already? Or something else? As Tekla points out, men do have some options in the areas that you talk about; have you explored them? Or is womanhood the only option?

Here's my experience. I had many hurdles to transition; I won't list them here. But I never took action until I stopped thinking of myself as a woman who wanted to be a man and started feeling that I already was a man. It wasn't that I wanted what men had--in fact, there's a lot that I don't want--but that didn't matter because I was male. It's a package deal. I just felt that if I wanted to stay alive, transition was my only option.

I know one woman who feels that she was a man who wanted to be a woman. Her experience is not mine, but she found a way to be happy and be herself.

P.S. No, I'm not saying that transition or die is the only experience we all share.

[JennaLee]

I tend to be analytic about things and have put considerable effort into understanding why.  An equal amount of effort was invested on denial.  As others have said, the 'dysphoria' gets worse with time.  Denial wasn't working.  I ended up in the hospital twice. 

Acceptance, on the other hand, has helped.  I've been on hrt for 6 months and feel much better. 

I don't know why.  Who would choose such a life.  I'm too old and my body is such that I will never pass.  Somehow accepting who I am and  taking hormones has helped. 

I've read the papers everyone else has.  It could be we where or weren't exposed to the proper hormone at some time in our development and that permanantly threw the switch in the wrong direction. 

I was watching a nature program one day about a certain moth.  This moth seeks out a particular type of tree and lays it's eggs.  When the resulting caterpillar comes of age it chews the main stem running along the backside of the leaf.  After the leaf is folded like a book it begins to make a cocoon in just such a way that the folded leaf rolls into a tube.  The caterpillar crawls inside and waits to become a moth, mate, find an identical tree, and start the process over.

What struck me was that all of this behavior is genetic.  There is no interaction with the parent.  There is no caterpillar school to teach them where to chew, or how to construct a cocoon in just the right way, or even to know when it's time to crawl inside and wait. When they become a moth somehow they know to mate and find an identical tree.  All programmed into the genes.

My thinking is that we all have both male and female programs.  In some of us, maybe 1 in 30000, maybe 1 in 5000, the wrong program is switched on.  We don't understand it.  It's effect is anything but a survival trait.  In fact, I've read 30% of transgendered people are dead before their 30th birthday, generally by their own hand.

It's crazy.  Their is no logical reasoning that can explain it or justify our feelings.  It just is, always has been, and always will be.

I'm no expert, but, I know denial was headed in the wrong direction and I have the scars to prove it.  The only thing that has helped is acceptance.

[Nero]

Men are in fact just as multi-dimensional as women are, just in slightly different ways.  Though it may not be as blatantly obvious, many guys take a lot of pride/interest/attention to their grooming.

And, I think that guys work just as hard to create an identity as women do.  That's it's a different kind of identity, is not to dismiss it out of hand.

Amen.
Post Merge: March 05, 2010, 04:36:21 PM

I agree with T.

I think our perceptions are colored by the fact that mt? trans people, aside from the trans men, are not men. So it feels hollow to us. Our own masculine constructed personas are ultimately shellow things, a veneer over our true selves and lacking the dimensions a male has.

Well put.
Being female was just the opposite for me. I was very one dimensional and non expressive as a woman even when I was trying so hard to be one (doing the makeup, trying to walk right, sound right, etc).

[JenAtLast]

For me, it's all about being at peace.  I've never been your typical male.  It's been funny, but everyone whom I've come out to was very shocked at first because I never dropped evident "clues".  But without exception, after knowing the situation, they all have said "I see it.  I should have guessed."

The thing that I wonder is what it must be like to be post-op and past the mountain.  I'm 46, and this urge to fully transition has been such a part of me, I can't imagine having that burden lifted from me.  My spouse has said before that she thinks my ability to focus will be greater.  I have to agree.

[K8]

What I've noticed about being free to be a woman is that I'm free to be me.  I would have enjoyed being a man just as much if I was, indeed, a man.  But I'm not.  When I tried being a man I was very constrained, very uptight, very quiet, very reserved.  Now I am just me – Kate – and am friendly and chatty and a bit flirty and loose and free.  I was always careful with my grooming but in a quiet way.  Now I am a bit flamboyant and it is wonderful!

It isn't because I'm similar to other women, but because I am finally free to be myself.  (yay! )

- Kate

[rejennyrated]

I don't "want" to be a woman, I am, and always have been, me! (and me always was female). I don't really think I ever changed much, I could only be what I am, and that didn't change just because of a few hormones and a bit of skillful surgery. I simply felt a lot more comfortable in my own skin once it was functionally female and matched the rest of me.

[Jester]

Okay, so yeah, guys do have all the same kinds of identity things.  And yes, they do take grooming seriously, you're right Tekla, I suppose I just don't want to be the same kind of clean that they are.

  I dunno... it just seems constrained to me.  There are all of these social rules, and things all guys know they think but they never talk to or even admit to, and you will be ostracized if you ever bring these thoughts to the forefront.  It's like a game that I was never told the rules to.

It's like... I'm Canadian and the winter Olympics just happened here as I'm sure everybody knows.  After that hockey game, I was like "Cool, we won," but have had to deal with a solid week of pretending that I understand hockey and know the names of the players and junk.

[Muffin]

I think it's very important to understand that GID or being that of the opposite sex is not a "want" like a few people have pointed out. IF the is the way that some TS's feel then there is a high chance you will pass this misconception onto others. This is one thing that is stopping the world from understanding and accepting us, because they see it as a want not a need.
You should already feel that you are a woman not that you want to 'become' one or to transition for assumed lifestyle benefits.
Sorry to go over this as it's already been covered, it just really reaaalllyy bugs me.
But apart from that you seem to be doing well, good on ya! ^_^

[K8]

There are all of these social rules, and things all guys know they think but they never talk to or even admit to, and you will be ostracized if you ever bring these thoughts to the forefront.  It's like a game that I was never told the rules to.

That's the thing.  I could never quite figure out how to be a man.  I'd play the game I didn't quite understand.  I always seemed to be missing something.  I don't know how many times I'd do something or say somethig and a guy would look at me like: What's wrong with you?

I had to learn a few things to be a woman, but mostly it just came naturally.  (Gee, I wonder if that means something? )

- Kate

[Jester]

I know that I *am* a woman, but, anyone ever read epic poetry?  Anyone familiar with the accord of word and deed?  When you give your word on something, you'd better follow through on it.  Last time I checked, I was in the closet, so my word that I *am* a woman doesn't mean crap to anybody, and won't be true until I transcend my current state.

[placeholdername]

I think it's very important to understand that GID or being that of the opposite sex is not a "want" like a few people have pointed out. IF the is the way that some TS's feel then there is a high chance you will pass this misconception onto others. This is one thing that is stopping the world from understanding and accepting us, because they see it as a want not a need.
You should already feel that you are a woman not that you want to 'become' one or to transition for assumed lifestyle benefits.
Sorry to go over this as it's already been covered, it just really reaaalllyy bugs me.
But apart from that you seem to be doing well, good on ya! ^_^

I don't think 'the world not understanding us' is going to be changed by whether someone uses the word 'want' or 'need'.  Most people that think what we do is wrong, take issue with the very idea of changing (external) genders, and could care less about our motives.

Personally, I don't believe I was born a 'woman' or a 'man'.  I was born me.  The issue is that the way I instinctively feel comfortable acting, and the way I instinctively feel my body should be, matches up with what society considers 'feminine', despite the fact that I was born XY and society says XY needs to be masculine.  For me, this is about being who I am, not about convincing other people to mark F instead of M for me on their mental identity forms.

[Dana Lane]

Being on the web and seeing... reading about "trans" stuff kinda freaks me out a little bit.  But, having GID is "freaky" for lack of a better word.  And having the wrong 'brain sex' for your body and your life is a real puzzling situation or a real "conundrum".

I think that most of us really try to make the most of what life forced on us.  I did my best to be "male". I tried to fulfill my "obligations" to be male.  I even overcompensated, I really tried and gave it my best shot.  And when I considered my plight and the thing between my legs, it seemed obvious that I was "male", I mean I was sane and the thing between my legs was obviously a "male" thing.

And I was poor, I had no Internet, no computer and I didn't know about all the options.  I didn't know there was such a thing as FFS.  I didn't know I could have GRS or SRS.  I thought people who transitioned were "movie stars" or well-to-do television celebrities, people who had the means that I lacked.  And I really didn't know anything about anything regarding "transition".

So being stuck as "male", and having my entire life be a consequence of being "male", I had a lot of self doubts and in fact not so much doubts but I just didn't know anything else.  My life and my body were against me and all I had were some feeble "ideas".

Ten years later and being on the other side of transition, I realize that I in fact was never male.  But it is because our bodies, our lives and our experiences shape our ideas.

I remember hearing people talk about how they wore women's clothes when they were three years old and all the crazy stories about how when they were three years old they knew they were female, etc.  It seemed like people told those sorts of stories (on the web) in order to justify transition or in order to set themselves above other transitioners or to validate themselves.

But I remember how my own mother shamed me and referred to me with derogatory words, suggesting that I acted gay or queer, referring to me as a little "->-bleeped-<-got" in order to try and make me like normal boys.  My mother was and is a hyper-religious Catholic and no doubt whoever I was got shamed out of me at an early age.  What ever I was got frightened out of me.  And I was told what I was and how to act and I needed the acceptance of my parents as a child.  So I didn't become one of those wonder kids who wore women's clothing at the age of three and told everyone I was a girl.  I just tried to fit in and not get hurt.

But what I am saying is that being on the entry side of transition, our ideas about ourselves tend to be a product of not being the right sex (on the outside).  The dysphoria seems to worsen with time.  I remember how when I was on the entry side of transition how everytime I said I was a "woman", what I was really saying was that being male was wrong for me.  It was obvious that I was not a woman like women were.  I was for lack of a better phrase, preparing for battle, battle against preconceived ideas about me.  Battle against my body, battle against my life.  I was going to murder the male in me, kill it, destroy it and come out on the exit side of transition as a female.

Still... at the time I really didn't know I was going to be victorious and honestly I never knew I would ever make it this far.  And my ideas reflected my lack of knowledge.  My statements about myself reflected my ignorance and lack of experience.

So when I read what you say about wanting to be a woman, it reminds me of seeing being a woman as something that was outside of me.  But being a woman is something that is inside of you, you just have to feed it and nourish it and allow it to grow.  Being a woman is something inside of you and when you care for it, make sacrifices for it, overcome fears for it, work hard and accomplish goals for it, then it becomes like it is for other women, something that is outside of you as well as inside of you.  And for me that is what transition is all about.  And my ideas now are much like the ideas of other women.  Of course I am a woman, I never "wanted" to be a woman, I had to be a woman because that is what I am and that is what I have always been.

Thanks for posting this! I am in the same exact boat you were accept my parents didn't call me names. I actually didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. I just knew I didn't fit in society and grew realizing I totally didn't fit as a male with a female in the bedroom. I wish I could have put the pieces together earlier but life goes on. And at least now I really truly have a life. And I loved your description of nurturing your female self.

I am sorry you had to put up with what you did from your Mom, though.That is really sad.

[Muffin]

*sigh* .......... @ Ketsy

[spacial]

Luvtodance

I really sympathise with you in relation to parents and others attempting to shame you out of something.

All it does is make you hate yourself even more that you already did.

[Kay Henderson]

Most people that think what we do is wrong, take issue with the very idea of changing (external) genders, and could care less about our motives.

I have to disagree with the "most people" part. 

At each step farther into public, I've been surprised and gratified to find acceptance from a wide range of both women and men.  They treat me simply as the person I present myself to be, and that's all I ever want from anyone.

Early in my journey, I expected and would have welcomed questions.  But  I've found that either it's not really that important to others or they're too polite to bring it up.