What would be your ideal reaction from someone else upon coming out to them?

[Quicksand]

Some of the most common threads I see here involve an individual who came out to someone close to them, and didn't get the response they wanted.  I've had a good cross-section myself, ranging from so politically correct they just said "okay" and never mentioned it again, to unending curiosity that started crossing boundaries.  So, hypothetical situation:

You come out to someone, a family member or friend or romantic interest or significant other or accountant or dogsitter or anyone whom you might want to tell.  What do they say?  How does their attitude change?  How do YOU react to their reaction?  How does the relationship change, both short-term and long-term?

You could do a script format if you want (enter transsexual, stage left!), or some other format you prefer,  or if you're like me and get distracted after a few sentences, you could just do what I'm going to do:

For me, I love when I get the rare individual who conveys that they respect me more for what I've gone through and asks some intelligent questions, without getting too personal.  I usually find that with people who have this sort of reaction, we become closer and better-connected, and I don't have any regrets.  It's even better if it's a woman and she throws herself at me afterward...but that hasn't happened yet, if you can believe it.  I'm still hoping!   Back in the day though, when I was just a baby transsexual, I would have preferred if they had just accepted it, changed their pronouns+name usage up, and never mentioned it again.  I was a lil' self-conscious.

I'm looking forward to reading what all your favorite reactions are!

[K8]

The reactions I got were all positive but were all over the map – from the stunned deer-in-the-headlights look to one woman saying: "That's nice.  What are your plans for this summer?"  I had one – only one – upon my saying I am transgendered shoot back: "I know it."  (Kind of lost my rhythm when she did that. )

I don't know that I have a favorite.  I appreciated those who were interested, perhaps asked some questions (but not necessarily), and either told me or treated me in the same way they always had – as a respected and well-liked friend.  It was the ongoing relationships – how they treated me the next time they saw me, and the following week and the months that have followed – that made me truly appreciate their acceptance and understanding.

I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able to change pronouns and name immediately without relapse.  I've met a few who managed it, but none of them were people I knew well.

- Kate

[Carlita]

So far, the reactions have gone as follows ...

1. Therapists, doctors, other medical professionals ... no problem. My therapist, who is a senior consultant, has since said he would support me through transition and, if I wanted it, SRS. My family GP was amazingly mellow and again, supportive.

2. Friends ... I've so far only spoken to five in real detail: three women (one transgendered) and two guys. ALL the women have been wonderful, happy for me that I am finding a path to my true self, absolutely there for me, looking forward to the day we can go shopping together! Of the guys, one has been amazingly positive, the other was very personally supportive but cautious/sceptical about (a) the degree to which I could ever pass and (b) the degree to which people who had known me well as a guy would ever be able to adjust to a new female identity. i should stress that I had specifically asked him to be as brutally honest as possible and that there was no hostility/disrespect intended or taken.

3. My wife ... I came out a week ago, in the context of a two-hour session with the family therapist (I wanted this to happen in a secure, moderated environment, for both our sakes). She was remarkably calm, not angry, nor entirely surprised, said she still loved me ... but then asked me to give her a few days, undisturbed to think about it. She has just suggested we go out to dinner tonight, so I guess she's going to tell me what she thinks.

All-in-all, I have to say that it's been an amazing experience for me so far. And I don't know if it's just coincidence, but I am now sleeping better than I have done in ages.

But to address (finally) your specific point about scripts, I have to say that I thought VERY carefully about how to approach this, particularly with my wife. I let the family therapist manage the session very carefully so that everyone's needs, and rights to express themselves were addressed, and I am incredibly glad I did it that way. Obviously, this isn't an option open to everyone, but I really recommend it if possible.

With my friends, I've relied on a lot of talk, just keeping conversations going, answering their inevitable questions as honestly as possible ... being aware of the weight I am placing on them and my responsibility to honour their reactions.

I think, BTW, this is terribly important. We expect other people to be tolerant and understanding of us. But we have a duty, too, to be tolerant and understanding of them. We've all been thinking about our situation for years, sometimes decades. But it's a helluva shock for them when it comes out of the blue. It's not fair to expect others to be cool with it in an instant. They need to process, just as we have done. And they have a right to express their fears, doubts, etc, even if what they say makes us uncomfortable. Because we've sure as hell made them feel uncomfortable, after all ...

[tekla]

Yeah it can be kinda of awe inspiring how much we demand from others what we are unwilling to give first ourselves, but so it goes.

[Nemo]

I have to say, I've never expected anyone I've come out to to be immediately tolerant, supportive, etc. - in fact, with the amount of stories I've heard from others, I always approach with caution because I expect a degree of hostility at worst, awkwardness at best. So I've been pleasantly surprised so far - I have had one bad reaction as some of you will know, but although my housemate/landlord gave the "deer-in-headlights" reaction (I kinda expected he would), he's still treated me like normal since. For someone who leans mildly to the right as a Christian, he's pretty open-minded, but then having a mother who works with special needs helps a lot.

As for professionals - the initial consultation with the doctor went a lot better than the first time I found myself in that position. That was when Mum pointed out that there was something wrong, and I went there not really sure of the situation at the time. The doctor then wasn't great anyway, and his response was to prescribe me Dianette for my leg hair Not that I stayed on it that long, but still... Anyway, the doc I saw a couple of weeks ago was very different. She was supportive, asking the right questions, trying to put me at ease, and said she'd find out who to refer me to. I've just got off the phone from making sure she has, since she didn't call back when she said she'd try to - try being the operative word, since doctors are busy people, so she gets the benefit of the doubt

My pastors have been awesome. I sent them an email, both gave a very positive reply, and one of them saw me Sunday after the service. She came over, said hello and congratulated me for having the courage to send it Got an email from the other one, said they'd like to see me tomorrow - will see how that goes. Must admit I'll be a little nervous about it, but hopefully it'll be a good meeting, chance to state my case so to speak.

Haven't told my mum yet, but given that she already has an idea, I am expecting a good reaction from her. Other family members, well, we'll see.

[Carlita]

My pastors have been awesome. I sent them an email, both gave a very positive reply, and one of them saw me Sunday after the service. She came over, said hello and congratulated me for having the courage to send it Got an email from the other one, said they'd like to see me tomorrow - will see how that goes. Must admit I'll be a little nervous about it, but hopefully it'll be a good meeting, chance to state my case so to speak.

It's funny you mentioning your pastor congratulating you for your courage. I had a lot of people say, 'Oh, that's such a brave thing to do,' when I came out to them ... even my wife, which is unbelievably open-minded and loving of her, given that I'm ripping her world apart ...

[K8]

Yes, I got a lot of those - so brave, etc.  (One guy said: "It takes a lot of balls to do what you're doing!" )  I never knew what to reply.  Yeah, it takes courage, but I felt I had gotten to the point where I had no choice but to do it.  But I've learned courage through the process.

- Kate

[Northern Jane]

Pretty much what happened many years ago after I left my home town. When people found out WHY I left the most common reaction was "Well that makes sense."

[pebbles]

Ideal reaction would be someone saying. "I know... You were either the strangest guy I ever met or a girl in a terrible boy disguise"

I know that won't happen because Everything in my personality since childhood is perfectly selected and adapted to obfuscation and begin invisible socially. This has lead me to reflect and worry abit actually on whether I am actually doing the right thing, I'm basically running against my own nature with transitioning.

[Janet_Girl]

I am out to most everyone of consequence.  But if it was a new person, assuming they were already friends, most of them would likely ask if I was FtM.   

The thing that I really hated was the "you're so brave" or "You have so most courage".  I really hate those.  Is it brave or courageous to just be yourself. 

The only really bad reaction was my ex.  And with that you can guess what her reaction was.  But we are still friends and have begun to hang out again.

[mickie88]

(One guy said: "It takes a lot of balls to do what you're doing!" )

yeah, my former service manager repeatedly told me this one, and he weighed almost 150 pounds more than i did!!

i told him i understand, but politely asked him if he wouldn't say that anymore, it really didn't help the guys in the shop.

(But if it was a new person, assuming they were already friends, most of them would likely ask if I was FtM)

i basically got that one when i went to the gynecologist finally. my license still has a male name and so did my insurance i had at the time, the recep asked if it was someone elses and when i handed her my id, she goes, "i guess it is yours, that must get REALLY confusing!" no other questions were asked other than from the nurse who called my male name over the loud speaker, i was livid until she told me her name was Chris and everybody expected a boy when she showed up, i asked her to change my file to Mekayla and she did.

if someone actually came out to me, i'd be totally cool with it. most people i talked to didn't find out until after they had known me for quite awhile but none really asked me any questions, they were too scared, more than likely of saying the wrong thing, but i've only had a problem with one woman i used to work with, she refused to use female pronoins when talking to/and or about me and still used my male name. i pretty much avoided her as much as i could since a lot of customers just thought i was nothing more than a pervert.

[rejennyrated]

From someone who knew me in childhood the most common one is something along the lines of "no big surprise there then... I always knew you would do something like that..."

From people who have only ever known me as an adult it's odten more like "how unusual... but I can't really imagine you as anything other than you are now..."

and then either group often ask a question like "how did you decide?" or sometimes something a little more insightful... but either way it opens up a conversation and that is good.

I've seldom in my life come across someone who couldn't handle it or was agressive or downright hostile and in one or two of those cases I have eventually won the person over.

The only reaction I REALLY dislike is the one I very occasionally get from oversexed males who seem to think that anyone changing sex must be a sex maniac and therefore an easy lay conquest them!

[Janet_Girl]

From someone who knew me in childhood the most common one is something along the lines of "no big surprise there then... I always knew you would do something like that..."

From people who have only ever known me as an adult it's odten more like "how unusual... but I can't really imagine you as anything other than you are now..."

and then either group often ask a question like "how did you decide?" or sometimes something a little more insightful... but either way it opens up a conversation and that is good.

I've seldom in my life come across someone who couldn't handle it or was agressive or downright hostile and in one or two of those cases I have eventually won the person over.

The only reaction I REALLY dislike is the one I very occasionally get from oversexed males who seem to think that anyone changing sex must be a sex maniac and therefore an easy lay conquest them!

My emphasis.

It isn't just overseas guys, the ones here in the states seem to think the same thing, even when they know you are still pre-op.   

[Silver]

Ideally, they won't just pretend I never came out. I'd in fact prefer if they ask questions, I'm quite willing to provide answers and it is a way for me to know they have in fact acknowledged it. Don't want to be shunned or anything either, maybe just have life go pretty much as it was with them with (the least likely of all) their acceptance of the gender I claim.

[Rock_chick]

If people continue to react the way everyone has so far I'll be an extremely happy girl. Everyone I've told has been so supportive. I have awesome friends.