Advice to kick me into full time living

[Nygeel]

Hello, all...I've been living as close to full time as possible for me at the moment and would like some advice as to how I should/could push myself into being completely full time. I've been out as male to the people that matter for about 3 years. People outside of my social circle rarely read me as male/a man, because of this I don't exactly have the confidence to do things like using the men's bathroom if I have to use a public restroom. I usually won't correct a bartender or waiter which I've been told I need to do to truly be full time.

So, what did you do to push into whatever the final step was in living full time? Should I just push myself to use the men's restroom?

[Sandy]

Nygeel:

It isn't what you do, it's how you feel.  If your internal confidence is such that you *know* you are male then you can go and do anything.

And, yes, it is making a commitment to be male in all respects.  When people make mistakes, correct them.  It doesn't have to be mean or angry, just a simple correction usually works.  For me, when I would correct someone, I would also review my own presentation to see how I could improve it so that those types of mistakes wouldn't happen as often.

Also, guys rarely say anything to anyone while in the john.  Just go in, do your thing then leave.  No one will question you.

-Sandy

[Nygeel]

There have been occasions where I have used the restroom and it was awkward to say the least. Toilets with only a divider, urinals only.

The other day somebody that wanted me and a friend to do a survey said "hey, ladies" she yelled "he's not a lady!" The person asking about the surveys shouted back that I was. It's hard to have confidence when hardly anybody acknowledges your identity (at least for me).

[Dana Lane]

I was presenting full time at work and this week I officially went full time. I do not pass for the most part. I got a carry letter from my doctor for bathroom use outside of work. I have found nobody pays much attention so far. I was very nervous at first but now feel a bit more comfortable.

I think it is mainly to just make it official and your brain will conform.  Having a carry letter from your doctor that states you are under their care for GID and wording for bathroom use might help as well.  I can't see anyone giving you a hard time going into the mens room.

[Nygeel]

Having a carry letter from your doctor that states you are under their care for GID and wording for bathroom use might help as well.  I can't see anyone giving you a hard time going into the mens room.

Ah, problem is that I'm not under a doctor's care. I can't afford a doctor. I went to one about a year ago, maybe two years ago. It didn't seem to get anywhere so I stopped wasting my money (I was broke then, too).

[spacial]

The other day somebody that wanted me and a friend to do a survey said "hey, ladies" she yelled "he's not a lady!" The person asking about the surveys shouted back that I was. It's hard to have confidence when hardly anybody acknowledges your identity (at least for me).

Ask yourself what any other man would have done in those circumstances?

I doubt the guy really wanted a survey, he was probably lining you up to sell you some garbage.

In any case, such a public insult shouldn't go unchallanged. At the very least, keep a serious face and stare directly at him.

I strongly suggest, the first thing you must do is learn to stand your ground. You have a right to be here. Have some confidience in yourself and don't take nonsense from anyone.

If a barman addresses you as a female, keep your face slightly down, with your eyes raised, so you're looking directly at him, stand perfectly still, and say in a condifent, certain tone, 'You will address me as sir!'

If you continue to take this crap, you may as well lie down in the gutter. Men have to stake their claim on the world.

[Nygeel]

Do I really have to be the machoest man in the world, if so that's not me. I think that a guy that is actually secure in his sexuality and gender really wouldn't give a crap.

The thing with a bar is that my ID says F...it has a female name. Bars near me check IDs.

Men have to stake their claim on the world.

Have to? Really?

[spacial]

No, you don't have to be macho. But you do need to be assertive.

I didn't know about bars checking ID. it will be a little difficult to make that demand in that case.

[Catherine]

Do I really have to be the machoest man in the world, if so that's not me. I think that a guy that is actually secure in his sexuality and gender really wouldn't give a crap.

The thing with a bar is that my ID says F...it has a female name. Bars near me check IDs.
Have to? Really?

If you are not sure then hold off. You will know when you are ready.

When that time comes then just do it and enjoy yourself.

I am sorry if the answer sounds a bit flip. But its your decision and you will know what is right for you.

[K8]

I agree with Catherine.  It all depends on your situation and how you feel inside.  One morning I just knew it was time for me to go full-time.  How did I know?  I don't know, but I was ready.  I didn't pass.  My ID had my old name and picture, etc.

Become who you are.  At some point you will know it is time to take the next step (or you will know you don't want to take it).  Don't force it.

- Kate

[Nygeel]

If you are not sure then hold off. You will know when you are ready.

When that time comes then just do it and enjoy yourself.

I am sorry if the answer sounds a bit flip. But its your decision and you will know what is right for you.

Not sure of what?

See...I would think that after 3 years I should know but I don't.

[K8]

There is no timetable.  I think this, like a lot things, takes a lot of background, internal work we aren't really aware that we are doing.  You'll know when it is time for you.

- Kate

[Nygeel]

There is no timetable.  I think this, like a lot things, takes a lot of background, internal work we aren't really aware that we are doing.  You'll know when it is time for you.

- Kate

Can I have some examples of what things, background, and internal work you are referring to? I feel many of these answers are very vague and don't make sense to me.

[Al James]

When inside your screaming "I can't live like this anymore". When everytime you look in the mirror a little bit more of you dies. When person you were born to be is demanding to be let out

[kyril]

Well, do you care if bartenders and wait staff misread you sometimes? Do you want to correct them, but hold yourself back because you don't want to be rude? Or do you genuinely not mind? That's not a question anyone can answer for you.

On the bathroom thing, though, you probably should use the men's if it's not seriously a safety issue (no doors on stalls = pretend you just came in to wash your hands, and go find another bathroom; at best, someone could accidentally see you undress, and at worst, it could be a bathroom where guys cruise for sex, which is the usual reason for door removal, though it doesn't work). If there are doors, you can just go in, do your business, and leave, and it's really not that different.

[Nygeel]

When inside your screaming "I can't live like this anymore". When everytime you look in the mirror a little bit more of you dies. When person you were born to be is demanding to be let out

I'm sorry, but that doesn't quite make sense, either. I don't really ever look in a mirror, and I'm out to the people that matter.

[Al James]

The only way your going to know your ready to be full time is when you want everyone to perceive you as male. TBH if your quite happy for people to think your female and it doesnt bother you then your not ready imo. and believe me when youve had the screaming inside your head it DOES make sense

[myles]

My  must use the mens restroom now was getting my ID/DL changed to male. That was the material thing that made me change the use of restrooms, was easy to change in Oregon got a letter from my therapist after one session and that was that.  That gave me the confidence cause even if I didn't pass I could just whip out my ID and say here you go. That was my final step, I am not sure what yours will be. Mine had nothing to do with emotional confidence more with hey here is my "golden ticket"  (ID) confidence.
I am not sure how hard it is to change your ID in the state you are in since all states are different or if that is an important part of it to you but that was my push.
Myles
Guys do not need to be macho they just need to be. Going through all this to finally live as myself I am sure heck not going to now be what everyone thinks a guy should be.

[Janet_Girl]

When I got to the point that I just did not care what others thought, I knew it was time to step of that line.

I set a date to change my name legally,  informed work of my intentions and had my therapist write the letter that Myles mentioned ( live in the same area ).  I was ready mentally, when the date for my name change came.  I walk in to the courtroom and walked out into my new life.  One week later, I went on vacation and never looked back.

[Nygeel]

al james: I never said I was happy with people thinking I'm female, it does bother me but so do a lot of things. I just tolerate it in the same way that I tolerate other people that aren't significant in my life that have negative views on me (ex: homophobes).

Myles, and Janet Lynn: Those are things that I can understand...needing something on paper to give that little push. I think I would probably need, or at least want the legal system supporting my ID first. Sadly, I won't be able to do any of those things for a fairly significant amount of time.