What Do You Say When People Say... ?

[K8]

I finally figured out how to reply when people say I am so brave for doing this.  I tell them that sometimes you just have to make the leap – you pack your safety gear and step off the cliff.

But a couple of people have said they are so glad I'm doing this – kind of the poster child for eliciting tolerance or something.  I haven't known what to reply to that.

What would you say to: I'm so glad you are doing this (for the good of the community)?  Are there other things people say to you that you don't know what to say in reply?

- Kate

[rejennyrated]

I'm so glad you are doing this (for the good of the community)

My response - That's really sweet of you to say so of course, but I have to be honest, I actually did it entirely for my own peace of mind.

I was trying to think of one which I get flawed by but I can't. I guess after so long I've just heard and responded to most things before.

Don't worry Kate - it get's easier as you go along.

[Carlita]

Funny you should post this ... I was watching that Calpernia Adams video about Bad Questions To Ask A Transsexual and altho' a lot of it was very funny, I also found it kind of aggressive and intolerant to people who are often only trying to say the right thing.

I've had lots of 'brave' remarks, but the only time people have said they were glad is meaning that they were happy for me that I was doing what felt right and true to me ... so that was supportive. i guess in general, I ask myself two questions ...

1. What is this person's intention? If they're obviously trying to say something nice, kind or appropriate, but they get it 'wrong', I don't see that it's fair to be offended. I mean, how are people supposed to know what is or is not the correct way to talk to someone who is going through or has been through transition? God knows, we all fight about it amongst ourselves: just look at how easily some people get p*ssed-off on TS messageboards at what other girls have said to or about them. So if someone has a good heart, that matters more to me than their specific words. And if they don't have good intentions, why then they can just ->-bleeped-<- off out of my life, can't they?? *she smiled, sweetly*

2. What is this person's relationship to me? If someone I don't know starts opinionating about me, well, that's risky for them, because they haven't really earned the right to make a judgement. Friends and close professional colleagues have a lot more leeway because of the trust we've hopefully built up over the years. My parents, sisters, wife and children have a total right to say what they like - particularly my wife and children. I am potentially screwing up their lives. I'm taking away the face and body of the husband/father they love, and that's a kind of bereavement. I'm breaking, or at the very least threatening my marriage vows and the unspoken promise you make as a father to your children. That's not to say I love them any less, nor that I can't still be a loving part of their lives. But at the very least it's a helluva shock. And if I'm asking them to cope with my transition, then they have a right to ask me to cope with anything they feel like saying to me.

[K8]

 

I was watching that Calpernia Adams video about Bad Questions To Ask A Transsexual and altho' a lot of it was very funny, I also found it kind of aggressive and intolerant to people who are often only trying to say the right thing.

Being a smart-aleck can be funny in a show, but in my experience it doesn't work well IRL.  I may be terribly old-fashioned, but I could never be intentionally rude to someone who was being friendly to me.

We sometimes say the wrong things to each other here.  I can't expect more from my friends, neighbors, and acquaintances.  I may be the only transsexual they've ever knowingly met.  I have to expect them to sometimes say things I see as odd.  I'd just like to be able to reply something that helps them to understand.

- Kate

[Autumn]

I also took Calpernia's perspective to be as someone who transitioned FOREVER ago and has lived life totally as a woman. So when someone comes up after 20 years and goes 'Well, I think of you as a woman." It's kind of like "Uhm, cool, so does everyone else until you start talking about it."

When you're transitioning, like, right then, the situation is very different.

[Carlita]

We sometimes say the wrong things to each other here.  I can't expect more from my friends, neighbors, and acquaintances.  I may be the only transsexual they've ever knowingly met.  I have to expect them to sometimes say things I see as odd.  I'd just like to be able to reply something that helps them to understand.

- Kate

Couldn't agree more, Kate ... As to what to say back, I guess that entirely depends on the situation, the person and what was said to you. But as unfashionable as they may be, there may be something to be said for the 'ladylike' virtue of smiling, trying to find the positive in what has been said and responding in a kind, sweet spirit. Very few people can resist that!

Whereas plenty of people find it very easy indeed to resist someone who is, as we say in England, 'chippy', embittered or resentful ...
Post Merge: March 19, 2010, 05:30:07 PM

I also took Calpernia's perspective to be as someone who transitioned FOREVER ago and has lived life totally as a woman. So when someone comes up after 20 years and goes 'Well, I think of you as a woman." It's kind of like "Uhm, cool, so does everyone else until you start talking about it."

When you're transitioning, like, right then, the situation is very different.

Good point, well made!

[confused]

lol , i don't do anything yet . but if someone told me that , i'd be like um ok , cool
i mean i really don't care if theyr happy with me or not , i just care if i'm happy
thanks =)

[Arch]

You've got to admit that some of the questions and comments in Calpernia's video indicate incredible chutzpah and/or insensitivity.

Kate, if someone gave me one of those "I'm glad that..." comments, I think I would just turn it around and say, "I'm glad too." You don't have to elaborate, just make it sound like you are sharing something with the person.

The remarks about bravery? I tend to smile, thank the person, and say something much like the above: "I'm glad I finally took the plunge" or "At last I can be myself." I've never had someone talk about how good I am for the community (they must know me too well), but you can still use the "I" comment and personalize the act of transition. If they want to extend your personal act and make it a communal good, then there isn't much you can do about it unless you are keen on arguing about it.

My transition was an act of desperation--Hobson's choice rather than a real choice--and most non-trans people don't really understand that unless I see fit to tell them. And, frankly, I don't feel all that comfortable telling people that it was this or suicide. If I don't know them all that well and they want to think I'm brave, I tend to let them. It's better than being spat on.