Another rant...

[aydan_boy]

I just need to get this off my chest...dont read on if u dislike selfish-ness, and rants

I feel like a complete ->-bleeped-<- up. I hate my school, my home, myself. No one beleives me, no one takes me seriously. Don't you hate it when people just brush you off, just think ur looking for attention? That its just a "stage"? I'm sick of it. I just want to die. My "mother" isnt supportive, but she's not completely against transition. She sometimes asks a question about it, but most of the time she ignores the fact that i'm not her little girl. She buys me make-up, skirts, high heels. She prays that i'm just confused, that really im just a lesbian. She doesn't look me in the eye when i dress the way i want to, or say i want to cut my hair into a crew cut. Shes ashamed of me. She loves me somedays, and hates me other days. I was deppresed, i told her my feelings, about suicide and so on. She cried with me, then said that i'd grow out of it. That all teens go through rough stages. Do all teens cut themselves? Do all teens pinch themselves until it bleeds, burn theselves with lightter, get into fights so they can be beaten up? I got sick of crying, and now im angry. Im just ->-bleeped-<-ing angry. I want to go through a normal child hood. A normal puberty, the one i feel i should go through. But i cant cry over spilled milk can i? I'm sick of being a wimp. I feel like everytime i accomplish something important to me, im pulled back down by my family. Be normal, be good, be a girl. She says she wants to help me, she addresses all my other "problems", stuff that is easily fixable, stuff that i can cope with. My brothers friends call me freak, the kids at school avoid me on days that i'm not in my "proper" gender clothes. they know that i'm not just a "tom-boy".  Teachers think i'm in need of psychaitrist, who always blames my feelings on sexual abuse. ->-bleeped-<- that ->-bleeped-<-. I no longer know what to do. What can i look forward to? nothing. I can't help but ask myself why i should even stay alive. Just needed to write it down somewhere.

[confused]

your just in a bad place right now , with a lot of pressure around you , it's hard to not feel like wanting to escape even life itself if you had to
i know exactly how you feel , your so angry, so shocked, so hurt , i know all that , i'm MDD myself
your mom can't easily understand wht your going through. no one can understand unless they were in similar situation somehow , so don't expect anyone to understand
also , being a teenager makes others see it as a 'phase' or 'hormnes rush' or whatever . but the thing is .. you consider it a phase too , a phase of people not listening to you that soon will be over and they'll just accept you for who you are
i admire your courage , you just went on doing what you really want, and even rage for not being fully accepted , while i for example have been hiding it for more than 10 years , and still , i am a very manly man although i'm mtf transsexual , and i am scared at this very moment that someone somehow gonna see what i'm writing and know
so i really admiring your courage , and hope i be of more help to you . just hang in there the worse will be over soon , just use your mind not your heart , think about everything wisely and don't let anger get you , just smile in the face of hardness

good luck