Certainty

[Martin]

And once again I'm not sure whether I'm posting this in the right place...
Being still rather unsure of myself and how I identify, I was hoping some other people here, especially FTM guys, could tell me a bit about how certain they were/are about their identity, how long it took to come to a definitive conclusion, etc.
While I've realized recently that I identify more as male, I'm still very unsure of myself. I have times where I'm convinced I should live as a boy, but then I'll also have moments where I tell myself this whole "crisis" of mine is silly, and just because I dress differently from other people doesn't mean I need to freak out about my gender identity. 
Anyway, if some of you people out there wouldn't mind sharing a little of your own experiences, I think it'd help me out, and I'd be very grateful.   

[Rock_chick]

I think doubts are pretty common. I went through stages of thinking that everyone felt like this and it was a part of growing up, I was some kind of weird little deviant, it was a stage I was just going through (more of a permanent fixture), I was gay (that one really confused me as I've never been attracted to men at all, but the accepted stereotype when I was growing up was that any man displaying any feminine qualities must be gay) and that it was all just "in my head".

It took the best part of a decade for me to realise that there were some major anatomical discrepancies between how I saw myself and how the world saw me. After that I was certain, but used the fact that I'm a lesbian to fit into the gender role I got lumped with at birth, and it did work...well almost, tho it never actually got rid of the feeling of not fitting in your own body.

[Silver]

Doubted myself on and off, eventually came out to myself as trans. Then doubted myself some more. At some point, I was pushed to the point that I came out to my parents, possibility of negative reaction be damned. And since then, I have continued to examine myself and I am more sure than ever before. When I came out, I started by identifying FTM. It didn't change and I still identify as male.

Yes, everybody doubts (or, really, if they don't they really should) doubting phases force you to be honest with yourself and (hopefully) make the right choice for you. Oh, and don't mistake sexual orientation and gender identity. They're more separate than I thought.

[Martin]

Well, it's definitely nice to know other people have doubts... Sometimes everyone else seems so sure of themselves compared to how I feel. I think it'd be much easier to deal with if I was certain of my own identity- as far as coming out goes, I'm hesitant more because I'm afraid of being wrong and having to get people to change their perception of me again, rather than being afraid of a negative reaction.
I did for a while think I was lesbian... Then realized at some point that this actually made no sense at all since I'm not attracted to women, so I think I've at least got that misconception sorted out.

[K8]

I thought this might be a fetish, that I was just odd, that - Like Rock_chick - I was a gay man who unfortunately was attracted only to women (like I couldn't even do that right!), and more.  I knew I was a cross-dresser.  I realized I was genderqueer.  I doubted I was transsexual, even though all signs pointed to that.  I doubted I could ever make a passable woman.  I doubted I could manage to live as a woman without people always snickering.

Even after I started living full-time as Kate, I had doubts now and then.  They came less frequently over time and now I have absolutely no doubt, but it was a long, gradual process.

Having doubts about undertaking any life-changing process is very healthy.  Just because you have doubts doesn't mean you aren't trans, but it also doesn't mean that you are.  A therapist - especially a gender therapist - can help you sort things out.  But doubts are healthy.

- Kate

[brainiac]

I told myself from puberty until last year that the discomfort I feel around being and being thought of as a girl was just something to ignore, that there was no way to feel any better about myself.

I still have the doubts you're describing sometimes-- that since I'm not totally certain yet about who I want to be and how I want to be perceived, and my dysphoria isn't strong enough to tell me I NEED to transition FTM, maybe my feelings are invalid and I should just suck it up and live as a woman like people expect me to. I'm getting better at fighting those off, though, with time and work. It's okay not to feel certain about what you need. Identity's a really tricky thing.

Right now, I identify as genderqueer. I'm slowly working toward presenting as more and more masculine. And I've found that every step makes me feel better and affirms my need to figure this stuff out.

[Hikari]

I think doubts are pretty common. I went through stages of thinking that everyone felt like this and it was a part of growing up, I was some kind of weird little deviant, it was a stage I was just going through (more of a permanent fixture), I was gay (that one really confused me as I've never been attracted to men at all, but the accepted stereotype when I was growing up was that any man displaying any feminine qualities must be gay) and that it was all just "in my head".

It took the best part of a decade for me to realise that there were some major anatomical discrepancies between how I saw myself and how the world saw me. After that I was certain, but used the fact that I'm a lesbian to fit into the gender role I got lumped with at birth, and it did work...well almost, tho it never actually got rid of the feeling of not fitting in your own body.

OMG, Rock_Chick almost everything you just said is exactly how it was in my life. It took me a very long time to reconcile that I was attracted to women and felt like I was a woman inside. It is silly when you think about it, there is plenty of info out there explains that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things but, I ignored it and decided I must not be TG. That was one big self deception though.

I am very secure now in my ->-bleeped-<-, I went through all the stages of denial, then anger, and finally acceptance. I recommend that anyone who thinks they may be to explore who they are, without forming any preconceptions.

[JessieMH]

I went through all the stages of denial, then anger, and finally acceptance.

Is it odd that I never really felt "anger" but more of a frustration at life in general?  When I was first thinking about all this it went from "No that can't possibly be me.." too "Well great, another damn thing to deal with in life."

[Martin]

Is it odd that I never really felt "anger" but more of a frustration at life in general?  When I was first thinking about all this it went from "No that can't possibly be me.." too "Well great, another damn thing to deal with in life."

Yeah, I agree with you. I've just gotten past the
"huh, ->-bleeped-<-,"
*click, google, read, click*
"... well, that may explain quite a lot." 

[Kendall]

Hi Jacky

I was thinking of starting a similar thread about doubt from a different angle, but I'll also respond to yours.

I have lots of doubts.

I think I am actually bisexual but leaning towards dating men at this point. (I was married two times. Not all bad, but never really myself in them either.) I look at women, but do I want to be with them or be them? Take off their clothes or find out where they got them and get my own?

But I do not know how to present myself - am I a feminine man or a pre-trans MTF just in the beginning of becoming?

Or as you put it, am I just being "silly?" I mean at sixty shouldn't I know who I am? And who is that old man in my mirror?

Maybe I am just confused. Maybe I am just scared of the answers and hang on to doubt because it is safer.

So, I have no idea where I will end up other than not a straight male. Not where I started. Please Goddess not where I started. (So am I just running away?)

Yeah, I've got doubts.

Good luck with yours.

Kendall

[K8]

When I was first thinking about all this it went from "No that can't possibly be me.." too "Well great, another damn thing to deal with in life."

I went through that.  And then I started dealing with it.  And then finally - for the first time in my life - I know who I am and can just be me.

- Kate

[Rock_chick]

I am very secure now in my ->-bleeped-<-, I went through all the stages of denial, then anger, and finally acceptance. I recommend that anyone who thinks they may be to explore who they are, without forming any preconceptions.

I definitely feel a lot happier now I've stopped trying to run away from myself...tho i'll freely admit that the enormity of the journey i need to make is quite scary.