I sort of let myself go in terms of the whole transgender thing years ago. I've barely came out to anyone about it (unfortunately. I've only told two people which are like my best friends. I sort of wish I could come out easier, but oh well) but I'm not trying to block it off anymore and ignore it like I did when I was younger. I know who I am now..
As for who I am physically, I'm a seventeen year old biological male.
I turn eighteen in June.
As with every other transgender, of course I'd love to just be able to switch my life over and wake up as a female, physically.. but the impossible is just that.. impossible.
No, I'm not really ever happy like this but there are occasional times when I don't mind being a boy. Sure, I'd much rather not be but if that's how things have to be then I guess it's not the worst. But that's where it stops. If I do have to be a boy, I don't want to become a man. I especially don't want to live another 50 years or so as a male.
And I'm so terrified of what can happen in the next few years, like to my body.
Right now I'm 5'10 and 138 lb.
I have a somewhat feminine body figure.
I don't have all sorts of huge muscles or anything and my build isn't all that comparable to a man's.. but I'm so afraid of this changing.
I don't want to get a manly body figure. I don't want to get any taller.
I wish I could just cut off all testosterone now since males usually can keep growing up until they're about 21ish.. I'm so afraid of that.
I know transition can still take place after 21 but the younger the better..
I can't stand the fact I'll never have my teenage years as a female. They're almost over. I don't really like how fast my young years are slipping away because I'd really like to live the remains of them as a female.
But that isn't really the concern here. I'm just so lost on what to do.
I don't want to have to live my life as a male. A man, to be specific..
but I also fear the whole process of transitioning.. I sort of fear being a manly-like women. I just don't want to be this guy with breasts, basically. I want to actually be a woman rather than a person that makes people question what sex I am. Although recently I've been less worried about that and there seems to be a lot that can change your appearance so I really want to go for it. I want that dream of being a female to become reality. I no longer really care what I'm going to look like. I mean sure I do but it isn't a huge concern to me. I just want to be female. Super attractive or not.
If I were able to get hormone replacement therapy soon then I probably wouldn't have to worry about my body changing for the worse.. but I don't see how I could ever afford FFS and SRS.. heck. I don't even know how I could afford therapy sessions and HRT.
I just don't know where to begin. I really really want to attend therapy but I'm unaware of how to find a therapist. I need it so much. I've done some google searches but I can't seem to find anyone. (I live right near Hickory of North Carolina, usa. Charlotte isn't too far either.. in case someone happens to know of anyone around here.) I need someone who can legally diagnose me so I'm allowed to go through with transition.. and just someone to talk to about all this because it's been driving me crazy for so long.
On top of that, I don't know how I'm ever going to afford therapy sessions like I was saying. I'm pretty busy with college. I don't have a job. I barely have time for one since school is in the way from like 10 AM to 8 PM everyday.
I'm clueless on where to begin with all this. I really want to start the whole transition thing. At least therapy, anyways.
It'd also be nice to find like groups of other people like me or others in the LGBT community that like meet up and stuff. It'd be great to be open about myself with some people.. But I can't find anything around here! My college doesn't have loads of groups either so there isn't one there. But yeahh.
Anyone have any input?
Also, if anyone knows of any websites relating like therapy stuff, lgbt meetings, or something then I'd be thankful if you posted those.
