Interalia. I just had a weird thought, but have you ever thought, explored, or talked with a therapist about having something other than GID? I respect your life choices and what you have done in the quest to find yourself, even de-transitioning, which is fine. Yet, I still get the feeling from reading your stuff that there's something else going on -- have you looked into Body Dysmorphic Disorder, perhaps? Or something related?
Anorexia, for example, fits into the umbrella of BDD. I think to some degree, those with GID also get that as well to different degrees.
With BDD, you can get up set over a body feature(s), which can cause anxiety and depression.
Having BPD (borderline personality disorder), I also suffer from BDD in different ways. At times, it can be gender-related but other times it will be like thinking I'm fat when I'm really not. I get anorexic-ish at times and sometimes even have gotten obsessive about it. But, with therapy during my life time, it's not as bad. One learns coping mechanisms to get through. Same with other things in my life, like cutting.
Of course, talking about BDD can open Pandora's box.
And sometimes ones has to look at coping mechanisms that got one to a certain state, and the motivation for doing so.
Post Merge: April 08, 2010, 09:00:38 AM
the most important thing to do at the end is just to find yourself.
I also think that often one does romanticize when they start out transitioning, but that goes away after reality bites in.
Some, for example, may think that everything is going to be better. Some how, being shy and social awkward will be changed. Or, that they will get better jobs. Or that they will start getting dates. And of course, that they'll be happy no matter what.
*warning: I'm opening a pandora's box here!*
It's not easy, and of course, it can be very, very difficult. Life, then, just becomes life and you find that transition really doesn't fix life.
There's a lot of pre-conceptions that others may have about the other gender and what life is like on the other end. We could even say that with someone living pay-check-to-paycheck wondering how nice it is for the CEO with millions in the bank.
I also think images in Hollywood, advertisements, and socially affect us how we see ourselves. Images of what it means to be a man, or a woman. Social ideas take it further.
I can see a person who isn't fitting in gender wise and feeling overwhelmed with life in general seeking out others. Out come the transsexuals, who, for better are worse, are similar. We're all a bit of misfit. It's a community of acceptance, and that's what people crave. And, of course, in finding that community there's the need to be part of it and support it emotionally.
I can see how one could easily join the trans-community and find it fits a need where one might think transition is the answer.
It's a hard-line question and difficult to think about. Is transitioning really for you?
Transitioning means asking yourself hard questions and doing a lot of soul searching. In the end, it's about finding you.
For myself, it was the right thing. For you, as you mentioned, it wasn't. And, right now, it seems asthough you are starting to find your niche in life -- whatever that may be -- but still struggle with the not fitting in part. Looking at your body as a sort of spring board for the anxiety you feel around you.
For example, with my BPD (borderline personality disorder), I get feelings like not knowing who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Self image isn't always stable and sometimes I project that onto my body... I'll look in the mirror and think I'm getting fat, which then equals I'm a horrible person, which then equals no one likes me (etc -- it just snow balls into and all-bad or all feeling). I remedy it, I may do things like stop eating and start doing a lot of exercise. (I'm fairly skinny, btw). I may also continue to beat myself in other ways. I might think if I were doing something different, or maybe being someone different I will be "fixed" and be happy. Of course, those fixes I try are illusions and really not fixes at all to my problems that might have triggered every thing. It's called escapism.
And yes, I've been triggered by small things that snow ball into bigger things. Often it's small things. I can't figure out what to wear, I find my one out fit but it's dirty. I try on another, but it looks no good, but then I look in the mirror and say that I look no good. Then, I think, that no body would ever love me... etc, etc.
It's not easy to live with, but, the good news is that there is help.
For me, transitioning has and always been about myself and I just forget about being someone else. I think that's a big aspect. It has also helped me a lot in terms of mental health 'cause I also sought help for that area, too.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Good luck!
