Jaded, this sounds very serious. Please don't hurt yourself. Are you still seeing a therapist? Even if you're not, can you get help from him or her, maybe make an emergency appointment? Or even call a suicide hotline if the urge is strong right now.
I haven't had bottom surgery, and I find comfort in packing. Without it, I feel wrong, naked, malformed. If you have any little "crutches" that have helped you in the past, dig 'em out.
