Love stinks

[aydan_boy]

I'm so pissed with myself. I'm FTM, and i like men. Yah, i understand it, no longer in denial. But when i talk to this guy, who i don't even like, only a friend, i feel so high. I feel so WRONG. I think i love him.He claims to be bi, he says hes tolerant of everyone, non judgemental, sometimes i even beleive him. But he sees me as a girl. He likes me with eyeliner on, with longer hair, when i was more girly, when i used to be weaker, more shy. He likes the fact that i'm easy to get along with, that i can somehow relate to everything he says, despite the fact that im a "GIRL". He knows me, but he doesn't know WHO i am. I don't know what to do. I hate lying to him. I haven't told him yet. But i feel that it will ruin our relationship if i told him i was trans. I can't chance that. He's incredibly important to me. I look up to him as a role model. I also have a huge fat stinking crush on him. But the only way he'd ever like me is as a female. I feel stuck. i know i could just tell him, get it over with, but i can't. Whenever he wants to see me, i shave, I get rid of the hair i grew out on my arm/legs for soooooo many months. I put on make up(oh god...i hate that stuff) and wear tank tops. I hate it. I hate it i hate it. If i had been born in the right body... He'd accept me then. He'd even see me as a possibility for a love interest. Right now, in my female body, he sees me as someone he could love too, But i can't love him. It sucks. I hate this. I know theres worse things. But i hate this so much. Inside i know that if i needed anyone to accept me as i am, it would be him. But i can't. I'm such a coward.This is just a self pitying, I Hate Love rant. I wish i could just get rid of the emotion. Then i wouldn't have to care at all.

[LordKAT]

a word of advice. Stop worrying about who he thinks you are and be who you think you are. It uncomplicates so much. He either loves you or he loves who he thought was you. You/he won't know if you don't tell him will you/he?

[Miniar]

Ultimately, the question in All interactions with other peoples comes down to this question.
Which would you prefer? To be loved as someone &/or something you are not? or to be Disliked, even hated, as who you really are?

It may seem appealing to bypass disliking or even hate by playing a role, but after a while, the role gets stifling, and you start disliking or even hating yourself for playing it.

So...
Try not caring what other people think.
Care what you think, what you feel, what you are.
And just be it.

If he likes you as a cis-girl or would like you as a cis-boy but can't possibly like you for who you are and what you are in this moment, in this life, then he can't like "you" and all the positive attention isn't for "you", it's for something that doesn't exist.

[Constance]

"Love Stinks" by the J. Geils Band

[Snowdoggy]

I've been in the same situation in the past.

Sounds exactly the same. He said he was bi BUT he wanted me as a soul mate and said he would help me through transitioning.

We moved in together, got a mortgage etc and then he turned his back on it all. He could only deal and live with me in female form. If I ever brought the subject of my trans status it would lead to a major row at least leading to a fight most times. He used to go out and buy Laura Ashley frocks for me. Went down like a lead balloon from my end.

We lived together for 12 years. Not bad considering.

We did love each other and the best thing is, even now we are no longer together we still love each other even though I have a new partner.

I shaved my body hair at that time too for a while but have never worn make-up. Comme ci, comme ça.

One other thing... this guy HAS now accepted me as I am and says he wished he had then so we may have still been together.

Even now we still go out for a pint together every month and we are closer than we ever were.

Grab life as it grabs you mate 

John

[Hikari]

@ Snowdoggy: 12 years isn't bad at all, I would have to guess that most married couples don't stay together for that long.

@ the OP: It sucks but, most people are not as open as you would like them to be or for that matter as they claim to be, but the truth of the matter is that one only has control over their own actions. You really cannot do anything about how he may feel, but to be fair you won't really know how he feels until you tell him.

In the interest of full disclose that is incredibly hypocritical advice for me to give (my wife is in the dark about me being TG). No matter how hard it is, (and I know it is hard, hence my lack of disclosure in my relationship) I am fairly certain that telling the whole and absolute truth is likely the best course of action for the long term. If you are anything like me, there will be a breaking point beyond which you no longer have the strength to present a facade, I know I certainly feel such a day coming soon in my life.