Online Personals

[Kristyn]

Has anyone ever used them?  Have you been successful?  Were you upfront about your status, i.e mtf/ftm?  My reason for starting this thread is because GID threw me a nasty curve ball.  It literally turned me into a recluse--for 15 years!  Except for work and looking for work, shopping etc., I've been on my own.

I've been relatively stealth in my transition, meaning I've never ever told anyone other doctors, etc.  I figured that as long as I had my male parts, no one would be truly interested in me and, to be quite honest, I didn't want to get close to anyone.

Things are different now.  In a little over five months I will have my surgery and I feel, for some stupid reason, that I have to have someone know me as I was.  I guess it's because I'm leaving an entire life behind--an entire lifetime of experiences that only I know of and this really saddens me.  At 44 nobody knows me, not even my family.  I mean, how does one even explain that to someone you've just met--GID or not, they would think that there is something seriously wrong with you!

I'm reluctant to use personals as I don't want anyone to make a mockery of me or hurt me either physically or emotionally.  I just really want someone there to talk with, someone who understands or wants to understand what I'm going through.  Someone I can talk with about this experience during and after.  I don't want sex--I can't have sex--just talk.

So right now I wait like prisoner awaiting her freedom--only five more months to go.  Hopefully this will release the burden which prevents me from wanting to get close to people.  Hopefully i will be able to reciprocate any attention given to me.  Hopefully I will feel confident to flirt with the someone I find attractive.  Hopefully I will feel like a normal human being for the first time in my life.  Hopefully.

[V M]

I hear ya babe

There are somethings I would like folks to know about my evil twin. Well, not all that evil really... Actually a rather good person in many ways

But, some things are better to be left behind us

I'll be leaving behind a very unhappy and uncomfortable person and progressing forward as the person who loves themselves and others and is very happy, confident and comfortable in her own skin

I don't know how or when I will get srs, but it is one of my main goals

HUGS

[Janet_Girl]

I am on a transgendered dating site and OK Cupid.  And I am up front about me and my trans past.  But I think I am going to just hold off on dating till after SRS, which might be for a couple of years.  As I can afford SRS right now.

[V M]

Oh yeah... online personals

I visit an online dating site... I'm totally upfront as to what I'm about

[Kristyn]

I just want to thank those who took the time to answer my ramblings.  I feel somewhat better today but have come to the conclusion to wait until after surgery.  Why should I tell anyone now who may have the potential to out me later on down the road?  I've been my own emotional support system throughout my transition so what's another five months, right?  Besides, I really don't think that at this stage and, given all that I've been through, that I could actually find anyone on my level.

I visited a site recommended by Janet-Lynn called OK Cupid, and it's kind of cool.  I like the idea of filling out the questionnaire to aid in finding your perfect(?) match.  The one thing I found, though, was how unappealing and boring these people are or seem to be.  The only ad which intrigued me enough to click on it turned out to be an advertisement for a movie.

I've never done this, but what I may consider doing is to place an actual, honest profile with a picture, NOT disclosing my history/status, and see what kind of responses I get.  I really don't intend on acting on any responses I may get, I just want to see what kind--if any--I would receive.  Who knows, I may even learn something about myself

Thanks

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

I met my girlfriend on Plenty of Fish. I was presenting as a male at the time, and was not entirely out of the closet (other than to family and some close friends) so I was anything but upfront.

I lucked out and it turned out that she liked cross dressers, and was bisexual... so it was less of a blow when I finally did come out to her about wanting to be a woman. However, now that I am out of the closet and presenting full time, I probably would be a little more upfront if I did end up doing the online dating thing again. Probably not on my profile page, but at least in the initial conversations with people who I would be interested in dating.

[Frances]

I tried a few and was treated like a prostitute when mentionning that I was trans in the profile. I was receiving 5 to 10 messages a day, all creepy. I removed the trans mention and got one message in a week.

[Kristyn]

I tried a few and was treated like a prostitute when mentionning that I was trans in the profile. I was receiving 5 to 10 messages a day, all creepy. I removed the trans mention and got one message in a week.

That is exactly why I'm so reluctant to do it!  Did you have a photo?

[Frances]

Yes. I would post it here, but I am new to the site. Here is my Facebook address if you want to see my photo.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1528418539

[Kristyn]

Yes. I would post it here, but I am new to the site. Here is my Facebook address if you want to see my photo.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1528418539

Actually, I meant did you post a photo along with the personal ad you placed?  You look very nice, btw.  I like your hair.

[Frances]

Yes, same photo. Thank you about the hair.

[Kristyn]

Yes, same photo.

Well, I don't think you look like a hooker--people are just so stupid!

Anyway, I decided against disclosing my status as mentioned in a previous post.  I really don't have time for anyone else in my life what with surgery coming up, building my portfolio so I can find a new job afterward, music, working out.  It's really only the times when I'm through with everything I want/have to do in a day is when I would kind of like having someone there.  Oh well, c'est la vie.

[Janet_Girl]

My thought is that I reveal because I don't want to get someones hopes up only to crush them, if it become more serious.  But as I said, I am really not ready for the dating pool.

[Frances]

I did meet someone last fall, but not from the dating sites. He did not know I was trans, and was a little taken aback at first, but we dated for a while. It is much easier in person.

[pheonix]

IMO, okc is a good site for trans -- it's a site that draws in a lot of different people *and* it's questionnaire includes some informative trans-questions including: "At what point in dating should a trans person disclose their status?"

I've been dating on the site fairly successfully.  I'm lucky to be attractive and visually stealth, so I typically don't disclose my trans status immediately and let the person get to know me before I do.  When to reveal? I base on the person -- if they seem to have trust issues or if they are very clear on their questions to be pro-trans, I'll out myself earlier.  Folks who I think could be on the fence, I let them get to know me first.

[Kristyn]

...I'm lucky to be attractive and visually stealth, so I typically don't disclose my trans status immediately and let the person get to know me before I do. 

This would be my approach as well but, being so close to surgery, I don't think it's a good idea getting to know someone now.

Are you post-op?

[pheonix]

This would be my approach as well but, being so close to surgery, I don't think it's a good idea getting to know someone now.

Are you post-op?

Non-op.  Which surprisingly hasn't limited dating possibilities all that much.  No one has a clue without me outting myself.  I've found for both men and women about 1/3 of the people who approach me/ I approach are 100% cool with it; about 1/3 end up on the fence and need to take some time to figure out if they can handle it and 1/3 just can't deal with the trans thing at all.

IMO, the problem most people (cis or trans) have with dating they bring too much baggage with them.  Before you jump into the dating pool, make sure you are comfortable with who you are; if you have wounds from previous relationships let them heal.  Listen to dating horror stories - if you show any signs of those behaviors yourself figure out how to deal with those issues so you don't dump them on your dates.

But being close to surgery?  I can understand holding off.  But my advice then is don't post a profile - new profiles get far more attention... so wait until you are really ready to date.

[rejennyrated]

ultra longterm postop here - and in a longterm relationship so it has mostly not really applied for over 20 years.

I would personally reveal at some point before things got serious, although certainly not in the initial ad itself. My reasoning is if they didn't spot you from the photo or on your first meeting then you are evidently not going to be "obvious" to all their mates (which in my experience is what worries a lot of men and lesbians alike - "Oh I'm fine with it but I'm worried that some of my mates may get a bit funny with me...") 

So I figure that just leaves the matter of personal integrity and feelings. I want to be able to trust a potential lover, just as I want them to trust me.

So before I have actually bedded them I have trusted and told them, think of it as a two way test, you are trusting and testing them just - and out of the three men and two girls that I have slept with postop to date no one has ever backed out on me!