Sex in relationships, are cisgendered people insensitive to our dysphoria?

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I have met someone that I like...who likes me...and who I think generally doesn't consider gender in people she likes, just like I do.

We hung out the other day, and the subject of sex came up and I made it clear that I have to trust someone immensely to let them see my body, and have sex. She didn't seem bothered by that. But she's attracted to me, and I think she's pretty cool.

I don't want to dive into this just to screw things up cause of my attitude towards my body, and my dysphoria...

I worry that if we did get together, she'd be bothered by the fact that I can do without sex. Cause I'm very uncomfortable with acknowledging my own body, let alone letting someone else see it. What are your guy's experiences on this subject? Did you eventually give in and let your partner see your body, or do you just go without having sex, or did you end up having sex without taking off your underwear, or what?

[LordKAT]

As a grandparent I can tell you only that it isn't always a choice.

Beyond that, IDK.

[kyril]

Let's just say my sex drive trumped my dysphoria from approx. age 15-26. There were certain interactions I was always acutely uncomfortable with, but those weren't the sort most guys object to skipping.

Now that it's settled down, though, things are different and I relate to what you're saying.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

As a grandparent I can tell you only that it isn't always a choice.

Beyond that, IDK.

What isn't always a choice?

[JakeDenver]

I totally understand. Its take me forever to get comfortable with someone seeing my body. I just take baby steps. Eventually once you are with someone long enough talking many months or years if they love you they wont care so it all comes out. I guess. It is rough and sometimes even though you are comfortable with that someone seeing your body certain days you wont let them because of how you feel that.

[Elijah3291]

I have a boyfriend.  We do 'things' we haven't had SEX SEX yet because im waiting for my birth control to set in.  but in my experience, I was really nervous and uneasy about him seeing my downstairs junk.  We started off slow, and I trust him.  and now, I actually like him touching me there.. it feels good, I still do get a little dysphoric about it, like, I dont really want him to look at it, and I dont like my pants all the way down.  Stuff like that.  But, he helps me feel better by calling me 'boy' and that sort of thing, and i keep my binder on, and he always calls them my moobs.

id say its all about trust, sure you WILL get dysphoric, dude, I bet even buck angel gets dysphoric sometimes.  but if you trust the person, after a while you just learn to use what you have.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I trusted my ex in my last relationship. But it's a different person, whole new game of gaining trust in them. Blah.

[Silver]

Well (I'm rather glad about this) my top half has been ignored at my request. As for the lower area. . . Sex drive > dysphoria in most cases. Although I haven't really had "real sex" yet so idk, I don't think I could really stand that.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

If "real sex" is what I'm thinking you're meaning, I don't think I could stand it either.

[Nicky]

I think people always get into strife with sexual relationships when they don't communicate. It is no different I think for us than any other person.

It is perfectly ok to discuss your needs and theirs. Just be honest, share your fears. Take it from there. The possibilities are endless. For example, you could be the one doing most of the pleasuring, and leave most of your clothing on. That way you sidestep the whole issue of your own body.

[Arch]

Please, Zombie, don't "give in" and do something that you are not comfortable with. That can really mess with your head. Establish the ground rules early on, with the understanding that the rules might change once you become more comfortable with her. If she thinks your boundaries are weird and gives you grief about it, do you really want to continue seeing her?

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Arch, you summed up my thoughts. We're not even seeing eachother yet, but it's leaning wards that way. I'm going to stand my graound. I'm perfectly fine keeping my clothes on during sex. If she's not fine with that, she's obviously not meant for me.

[StaceyBean]

Coming from the opposite side, meaning I'm cisgendered and my boyfriend is FTM, we have always had great sex, right babe LoL

BUT once he came out to me as trans, and like we started talking more in depth I found that most importantly truly is communication. Like with him, he keeps his shirt on, I wish he wouldn't(BUT only meaning I wish he could let go of his dysphoria with me, and be comfortable, but i do understand that its not me, its HIS dysphoria and so if he is more comfortable with his shirt on then I'm fine with that) Another thing that helped is treating his downstairs in a different way, treating it as I would any other guy...Not that Ive ever been with a CISguy BUT I've watched porn lol..

So idk my input even if its not what you're looking for is just talk. Let your partner know what is good and what isnt. It really helped me knowing you know?


Last Comment, is "real sex" is whatever you find satisfying and pleasurable...there is no solid definition of "sex" not in my opinion at least hope this helped......

[zombiesarepeaceful]

^thanks, it's good to hear from a ftm's partner

[StaceyBean]

Welcome

[Arch]

I'll make a confession: I originally wrote a much longer and more revealing post about my sex life with my ex before and after coming out. StaceyBean touched on a few nerves in that respect.

Let me just say that before I came out, I could not be honest with myself. For the first ten or twelve years of our relationship, sex was usually good, and my dysphoria was less of a problem. Then for years our sex was infrequent and, for me, often traumatic. But I could not let myself admit it except briefly--and then I would cover it up with some excuse to explain it away.

Before: I liked to keep my shirt on, but I often took it off because he liked that.
After: I always kept my shirt on.

Before: When I gave him oral sex, I felt like a subordinate, a girl. I did it but usually didn't get much out of it. Or I got a lot of emotional discomfort out of it.
After: I felt like I was a guy going down on another guy. Bring it on!

Before: Sex in the front hole was often problematic. Sometimes I couldn't follow through. Sometimes I should have stopped because I felt like I was being raped. But I was the one forcing me. It was...well, for me it was worse than being date raped. At least when that happened, I could fight and plead, even if it did no good.
After: I reclaimed my front hole and called it my boy hole. This phase didn't last long, unfortunately, but it lasted for the duration of our sex life. Now I don't want anyone to use that orifice again. Ever. I might change my mind later (I won't be having bottom surgery anytime soon), but that's how I feel now.

Some of us find ways of coping. Some of the strategies don't last. Sometimes transition is the only cure.

[kyril]

Arch - a lot of what you said rings true to me, as I'm right now in that sort of "shifting gears" phase with my partner. What you said about the front hole is particularly familiar. The one place my experience is different is that I've always loved giving oral - it's the one act that's never been triggery in any way of anything (abuse, rape, dysphoria, none of those have involved my mouth). If only I could get over the jaw tiredness thing...

[Arch]

If only I could get over the jaw tiredness thing...

Boy, I hear ya there. I've heard that there are strengthening exercises you can do...

[Elijah3291]

If only I could get over the jaw tiredness thing...

oh yea, mine does that too

[Nimetön]

You three rock.  Seriously.

That is all.

- N