Dissociation/Depersonalization Disorder

[Kreuzfidel]

For a long time now I have been suffering with chronic dissociation and Depersonalization Disorder (essentially, feeling disconnected from the world and numb)...so much so that I have difficultly feeling any sort of emotion or empathy and I have memory 'blanks' where I cannot remember entire days and sometimes even months. 

Does anyone else suffer from dissociation or Depersonalization Disorder?  I have no doubt that the large majority of mine stems from the dysphoria and the disgust I hold towards my body.  How do you cope with the feelings of numbness and disconnectedness?  I've found that no medication my psych put me on helped my symptoms...but recently found that being accepted as a man by my partner and her family and friends has helped some of the dissociation recede, although it's worse at times when I'm feeling self-conscious or experiencing (perceived) judgment from others.

[LordKAT]

I felt as you describe for a very long time. I was never given a name for it and I am glad I wasn't. I only know what happened with me and do not believe that will help for you. I think when you get more sure in who you are and act on it, life gets better.

[justmeinoz]

I have suffered from Depersonalisation as well as Depression for a long time, and was always concerned about it but could find little concerning the feeling of isolation.

It appears, from what I have been able to find, that the Depersonalisation is a defence mechanism used by the mind to shield itself when there is too much stimulus.

It goes away, or reduces when you are feeling better, and is not really affected by medication.  I found that once I accepted who I really am, and spoke to a close friend about this, the depersonalisation has virtually ceased. It sounds like your experience has been similar.

[Metamorph]

I never knew about that disorder before now but it sounds similar to something I felt a few years ago, particularly the disconected part. Best way I could describe it was feeling like I was on an island and everyone around me was just floating by, it was at its worse when I stood still. GID was a factor to it but lack of goals and direction also made it worse. After figuring out where I wanted to be in the future it eventually faded and while I still have bouts of depression, Im much better these days than I have been in a long time.

[cynthialee]

I dont know much about the topic. The one thing I do know from being around a person that was dissociation plaqued is never smoke pot. It makes these types of disorders much much worse. (and I am a medical marijuana advocate.)

[gothique11]

I have that... it goes along in my BPD (borderline personality disorder) basket.

[Vin]

I have this a lot. I feel disconnected from most things. I think it goes along with my depression, and my dislike of my body (and downright loathing sometimes). I have to remind myself to stay in the moment, but I have to say that binding is helping with this quite a bit.

[justmeinoz]

From what I have read Depersonalistion and Dissociation are different.

I was suffering from Depersonalisation, which felt like being seperate from my surroundings and not connected to my feelings.  I did not feel that I, or the world didn't exist, and never had any blanks in my memory.

Dissociation sufferers do have blanks and the disorder is a lot more sever. Apparently it is associated with Borderline Personality problems and similar disorders.

[Meepit]

I dont know much about the topic. The one thing I do know from being around a person that was dissociation plaqued is never smoke pot. It makes these types of disorders much much worse. (and I am a medical marijuana advocate.)

I second that. My chronic depersonalization (it's been about 3 years now) was triggered by a huge sesh with laced weed. I still smoke it on occasion, but it definately scared me off it for a while. I've felt like I've been dreaming ever since and it's really bugging me so weed can definitely trigger more anxiety or a more severe form of it.

There's something else called Derealization which is similar:

"Derealization (DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring and depth.[1] It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions, such as psychiatric and neurological disorders, and not a standalone disorder. It is also a transient side effect of acute drug intoxication, sleep deprivation, and stress."
-wikipedia

Not exactly the most reputable source but you can get the gist of it.

[Fencesitter]

I had dissociative identity disorder (DID) combined with depersonalization disorder (why only have one dissociative disorder if you can pick 2 for free? *sigh*). Got the DID mostly cured/improved a lot before starting transition, but the depersonalization disorder stayed until physical changes took place. I didn't have such black-outs as you describe them though, thanks God. Of course, it's not easy to connect to your body if you have GID, so it's not astonishing at all if GID people develop depersonalization disorder.

What helped me somewhat connect with my body was focusing on the inside parts of it - feeling the bones move, the lungs breathe, and the muscles tend and relax as that's relatively gender-neutral. These body parts always felt okay for me. And keeping away from mirrors. My body image at those moments was more or less like that of a body stripped of it's skin. This sounds disgusting but it worked pretty well, and is still better than feeling like the little alien guy commanding an android body from a place in its head as you can see in a funny scene in "Men in Black". Since starting T, I seem to have reconquered more and more parts of my body.

You are writing about having black-outs for weeks or even months. Are there any hints you might have more than depersonalization/derealisation? Like finding stuff at home which ist absolutely atypical for your personality?

As to the warnings not to smoke weed, I agree to them.

[Shang]

Lots of people have mild dissociation from time-to-time, and many report feeling this way 1/3 of the time ( Mental Health America, Dissociation and Dissociative Disorders).  I dissociate from time-to-time, though weeks or months have never gone missing to my knowledge.  It's normally from a few minutes to a couple of hours and not every day, and a lot of times (especially recently) it's been like watching someone else move my body while I sit back and watch the "movie"--which seems to be Depersonalization from what I can read.

I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm going to be talking with my psychologist about everything (minus GID) on Friday.  When I feel "disconnected" from myself, I feel better and more able to relax but I try to bring myself back so I feel connected to the body because I recognize that feeling disconnected isn't very healthy and I'd like to try and keep my mental state as healthy as possible.

[veck]

I think this topic should get more attention. 

Just like Lukas, I haven't been diagnosed but I recognize a lot looking at the description of depersonalization at wiki. As a child I have been bullied a lot, and I had very controlling parents. I was/am very scared to show myself; Much of my choices in life have been taken for me, or taken by me very impulsive. I cannot connect with my feelings properly and life sometimes seems like a dream to me. I can't decide what I want, whom I am.. It feels like my brains / memory are playing tricks with me. I have a very bad memory, I forget things very easily. I am really uncertain when i look to the future. Having this kind of troubles makes a person really small, it feels like being in a nutshell. Sometimes I have moment when I think, okay.. Things have to be very different from the life I am living,

As people describe in this post, it seems to fade away when you have the courage to feel the feelings you have, and to recognize them. For me, I fantasize about girls, about their breasts.. And for a very long time, I couldn't figure out that these feelings were, because I was not connected to the thoughts. Now I found out that, although I an uncertain, that I want to be a girl. I have recognized this feeling now, and things are getting colorful again I can feel luck inside me. At that moment..

When I start thinking things over (again), I fall back in my 'neutral' emotional state. This makes it harder to really get to the bottom of my 'issues'. Finally, I have a start now and it feels great!

Thanks a lot!

[JPurcell]

I didn't realize how common this was. I have felt this way for at least a year now. Like the world happens around me and I sit there and just watch like I'm an audience. It's  very strange and depressing. How have you guys managed to deal with this? (Sorry for posting in an old topic).

[Sophie Lou]

I am very interested to find this old thread. I have been diagnosed with dissociation disorder.

This state, or condition, has been a profoundly confounding experience. I very much relate to what veckNL says.

As people describe in this post, it seems to fade away when you have the courage to feel the feelings you have, and to recognize them. For me, I fantasize about girls, about their breasts.. And for a very long time, I couldn't figure out that these feelings were, because I was not connected to the thoughts. Now I found out that, although I an uncertain, that I want to be a girl. I have recognized this feeling now, and things are getting colorful again I can feel luck inside me. At that moment..

When I start thinking things over (again), I fall back in my 'neutral' emotional state. This makes it harder to really get to the bottom of my 'issues'. Finally, I have a start now and it feels great!

I am in my mid-late 30's and realized I was gay earlier this year which was a shocking revelation. I am still going through an acceptance stage and am only out to a few people.

Very recently, I am further shocked by my fascination and obsession with mtf videos and the connection I have made to it. It makes me nervous, excited, and worried. But I feel very present and whole when I think about it. This just started happening a few days ago and I am again in a bit of shock to say the least.

But this dissociative condition which leaves me feeling disconnected, from myself and my emotions, has been such a frustrating mystery that I have been trying to solve for many years. I think I may have found the big piece to the puzzle. I have been feeling my feminine side come to the surface in the last couple weeks. This new expressiveness is invigorating and calming.

I am terrified at the prospect of a mtf transgender life being my future. Especially at my age. But if it is the key to unlocking my heart and soul, then I cannot deny it.

Now I really wonder how many other people have had this dissociative experience as a precursor to their discovering their identity as a different gender? So fascinating...