Trans Behaviour

[kyle_lawrence]

I was a weird mix of tomboy and girly girl as a kid.  I took ballet from when I was 2 1/2 to 16 (my mom was a dance teacher), so I spent a lot of time in tights and tutu's, but it never felt like it was really feminine. And I never minded the pink ruffles and makeup, because I always understood that it was for the character I was performing as.

I also rode horses and worked on a farm. So the pink tutu's were balanced out with fixing fences, shoveling manure, and throwing hay bales around. And getting really dirty.  I was usually the only 'girl' working out in the fields during hay season, so I guess I kinda learned how to be a boy on the farm.

I'm sure I still move in a very feminine way sometimes, but 14 years of formal ballet training takes a lot of work to undo.  Call me out on it, and I'll belch in your face after I finish chugging my beer.

[brainiac]

I also rode horses and worked on a farm. So the pink tutu's were balanced out with fixing fences, shoveling manure, and throwing hay bales around. And getting really dirty.  I was usually the only 'girl' working out in the fields during hay season, so I guess I kinda learned how to be a boy on the farm.

Haha, I love how some people think that horseback riding is somehow girly. You get sweaty, covered in dirt, horse slobber/fur and hay and you have to spend quite some time cleaning the same stuff off of your horse before and after you ride. Mucking stalls is a picnic. And while I've never broken a bone, I've been thrown off, kicked at, stomped on, nipped, had my shoulder clamped on so he could toss me around like a ragdoll in front of a small child, and one horse even tried to poo on my head while I was picking his back hoof.

Oh but English riding is sooo dainty. Pfft.

I miss riding.

[GothTranzboi]

Riding sidesaddle...as is "lady like" is utterly rediculous and whoever invented it should be glad they are probbably long dead. -grumbles- :p

[LordKAT]

Side saddle allowed dresses to be worn while riding, no more and no less. No dress = no side saddle so I never even tried it, no sleeping on a horse is another matter.

[GothTranzboi]

LOL how did sleeping go?

[LordKAT]

Quite easy to sleep on a cooperative horse, being a morgan helps as apposed to a shetland or something.

[Radar]

Whether we like it or not, since we were born into female bodies our family and society have certain expectations of us and will force them on us. Over time we learned to adapted and all of us have had to put on a facade of some sort. Transitioning for me releases those forced behavours I tried too hard to do but always felt wrong and unnatural. Now I can express my maleness with less judgement and, for once, can be myself.

However, decades of conditioning don't disappear overnight and I have to learn that I can let go of some of those traits forced on me. It's not that I'm trying to force manly characters and traits, it's me learning I can embrace them now and start showing my true self.
Post Merge: May 06, 2010, 10:37:05 AM

I was always told off by teachers for my "unladylike" behaviour. Not just my interests and dress sense, but the way I held my body, the way I sat, etc.

The story of my life. However once I started transitioning I'm shocked at how many, many traits and habits of mine are male and I just didn't know it- like bathroom etiquette. Mine's so male it's not funny but I never thought twice about it. It's amazing how the small things are second nature to us. I wonder if it's wired in or we just learned habits from watching males while growing up. Most likely a mix of both.

[sneakersjay]

My sisters took dance and baton lessons.  I took guitar.  And hung out in the dairy barn across the street with the other neighborhood boys, and we also caught frogs and snails and crayfish, and built forts and whatnot.

I was also glad to have a little brother to play cars with.


Jay

[jmaxley]

However, decades of conditioning don't disappear overnight and I have to learn that I can let go of some of those traits forced on me. It's not that I'm trying to force manly characters and traits, it's me learning I can embrace them now and start showing my true self.

I agree.  I'm having to work through my habits and mannerisms, trying to find what is me, what feels natural, and what was just an act. 

[Adio]

RE:  prom/high school dances

I never went to a single dance all throughout school (to include middle school, high school, and college).  I knew that I'd be expected to dance with a boy, wear a dress, and wear makeup.  I also knew I would have to act like it was a big deal and take all these pictures that I knew I'd hate.

So I never went.  A lot of these feeling were before I realized I liked girls and was transgender.  Go figure.

I'm sure my mom was disappointed the first couple times I refused to go, and when I didn't go to my senior prom, I'm sure she was a little upset (although she denied it).  But that just wasn't, and still isn't, who I am.  I don't understand what there is to get excited about.

[Ryan]

However, decades of conditioning don't disappear overnight and I have to learn that I can let go of some of those traits forced on me. It's not that I'm trying to force manly characters and traits, it's me learning I can embrace them now and start showing my true self.

I guess I didn't really have any significant conditioning where gender expression is concerned. Once my parents realised that I didn't enjoy typical "girl stuff" (at a very young age might I add) and that being forced into it made me angry and miserable, they just let me be who I wanted to be.
I was often told by teachers that I wasn't very ladylike or whatever, but again, they just got used to it. I was always one of the boys and people just accepted me how I was.

Then the wonders of puberty hit.
Although, it still didn't affect my male mannerisms. I grew my hair long and wore it tied up. Still wearing male clothes as female ones weren't an option for me.
I always acted and dressed male as it was the only thing I knew how to do and felt comfortable with. Difference from 14 onwards is that I was a very withdrawn and depressed male.

[kyle_lawrence]

Haha, I love how some people think that horseback riding is somehow girly.

I miss riding.

I think the same people who think it's girly also believe it's not a sport because "all you have to do is sit there."   I miss riding too. I actually have a lesson next week after not riding for almost 4 years. I'm expecting to be laughing at myself a lot.  I was visiting my old barn recently, and the owner (who I showed with for 10 years) kept casually pointing out all the horses that need more work, so I could be riding a lot again soon.

[TheAetherealMeadow]

I think trans behavior is a complex matrix of nature and nurture. Even though we are programmed in our brain to act our gender, society brings us up in the other gender and we learn these behaviors and they can be hard to shake. I remember how ever since I was little I would sit down to pee and cross my legs in a very feminine way. However, society forced me to act male, and even now some of that still affects my behavoir. It was actually pretty recently that I learned not to hold in my tears when I wanted to cry, because since I was raised as a boy I was taught not to show my feelings. I think one big part of transition is to learn the things that we didn't get to learn in our childhood when it comes to behaving in our gender.

[BoyDani]

I believe that people have been conditioned into the wrong gender. I have to work on changing myself because I forced myself to be more feminine when I was younger. I'm a pretty effeminate guy, though, all in all, so it's not too much trouble. I grew up hating my body and the only time I was happy with my body was when guys called me hot, I was so happy. Even though I hated my breasts, I took pictures of them and considered even becoming a prosyitute, even though it disgusted me so, so badly... I didn't value myself at all. Albiet, this is less feminine than it is slutty, etc, but I have purposely learned to walk sexy, talk with a higher, smoother tone, etc. I now train my voice to go low and sound masculine.

Just what I went through.

(I didn't mention that I absolutely HATE frontal sex, virgin, I can't even think about it. It makes me retch and the idea of actually doing it, it makes me feel ill and likely to vomit.)

[Hurtfulsplash]

I used to ride, its a great workout. I miss it too.

[BoyDani]

It was actually pretty recently that I learned not to hold in my tears when I wanted to cry, because since I was raised as a boy I was taught not to show my feelings.

I was born female and I would emulate my bro and dad and never, ever cry. I regret it now and I want to show emotions to get closer to people but I feel disgusting and weak for even beginning to cry. Good luck to you, I need some as well.

[Farm Boy]

Speaking of crying, although this has nothing to do with my gender identity...  I cry far too often.  When I get really angry my response is to tear up, and I hate it.  I've been making a conscious effort lately to repress the tears, because they get me unwanted sympathy when I just want to be left alone... 

[BoyDani]

Yeah, I'm the same way with not wanting sympathy. I can't even cry alone without wanting to injure myself for it. If I were you, I would immediately attempt to remove yourself from the situation, and if that's not possible, just act pissy and get under a hoodie, or something, acting all angry.
Post Merge: May 06, 2010, 11:53:48 PM

RE:  prom/high school dances

I'm sure my mom was disappointed the first couple times I refused to go, and when I didn't go to my senior prom, I'm sure she was a little upset (although she denied it).  But that just wasn't, and still isn't, who I am.  I don't understand what there is to get excited about.

I didn't go to my prom this year, but I went to homecoming and our Winter Carnival and it was hell. I was in a dress AND it wasn't even remotely fun. When I didn't go to prom this year my mum threw up a fit and I explained that I didn't have a suit and that I rejected a guy. I was the guy's final choice and pick, I KNOW I was. I have been treated crap by guys for all my life, I'm not pretty and I'm kind of thankful that I'm not.

"Why would you wear a suit? I'm sure the guy would appreciate you dressing as him!" (Sarcasm here.)

I can't even explain how much this confounded and angered me, ugh. Worst of all, at the time, she thought I was into girls and she fully expected me to suck it up and go to prom in a dress and with a guy as a straight trans guy. I just don't care, never have. The pictures, the drama over it, all the whatever. I go to dances to dance not to sit around squawking over guys... if you like a guy go dance with him instead of keeping me down because I don't want to be the one person alone dancing and there's several huge groups. I get so peeved sometimes.

[TheAetherealMeadow]

Speaking of crying, although this has nothing to do with my gender identity...  I cry far too often.  When I get really angry my response is to tear up, and I hate it.  I've been making a conscious effort lately to repress the tears, because they get me unwanted sympathy when I just want to be left alone...

I'm exactly the same way with tearing up when I'm angry! I actually think it's a good thing though, because the sadness tends to dissipate my anger and put things into perspective without anger clouding things. What causes me to tear up is because I find the fact that I'm angry at someone (especially if it's someone close to me) to be a very sad thing in of itself, and I rarely stay angry for long as a result.

[Farm Boy]

I go to dances to dance not to sit around squawking over guys... if you like a guy go dance with him instead of keeping me down because I don't want to be the one person alone dancing and there's several huge groups.

High school dances were not my idea of fun, in any way, shape, or form.  Even the casual ones I wore jeans and T-shirts to.  I never wanted to go, but occasionally my friends would beg me to, insisting that we'd all hang out and have a good time. 

Every time, without fail, they all paired off and danced, leaving me standing alone by the wall, wishing I was somewhere quiet.  I'm not much for socializing or dancing, though.  Blasting music, crowds of people... not my idea of a good time.

What causes me to tear up is because I find the fact that I'm angry at someone (especially if it's someone close to me) to be a very sad thing in of itself

I cry because...  I don't know why.  I think the only sadness involved though is that I can never express myself or say what is truly on my mind.  But that just makes me angry, so...  lol