Questioning questioning arghhhh...

[jmaxley]

I'm kind of confused right now.  I'm wondering, how do you know if transition is the right thing to do.  How do you deal with the doubts?  I was really looking forward to it until I came out to my mom the other day...and some of the things she said has me doubting now.  She kept telling me not to rush into things, that I would regret it, that this is a phase.  So I'm questioning if it's the right thing for me to do.  I don't really feel like a man or a woman, I just know that I hate being in a female body, it's very uncomfortable for me.  Is that still dysphoria then?  Do I feel like neither male nor female because I haven't allowed myself to feel that way?  I've hidden from myself for so long I don't know who I am.  I just know the times I have felt really male have been euphoric and the few times I have felt female I felt miserable and uncomfortable.  Most of the time it's like my sense of gender is just numb or frozen.

And I hadn't been embarrassed about any of this until I told my mom about it.  And I think she's ashamed of me.  She's decided to ignore it and hope it goes away (we know how well that works.)  Transitioning has been in the back of my mind for six years...I don't think it's going to go away.

I'm moving soon to a place that has more resources for trans people and will be getting a therapist to work through this.  It will be a couple more months though before that happens.  My current therapist doesn't know anything about gender issues, she's even told me that and until I move I can't get a different therapist (gotta love small towns).

So I'm feeling torn up on the inside, wondering who I am, what I am...my mom has not been very accepting of my masculine traits (she's let me know in the past how much she hates it when I wear guy's clothes).  I haven't felt free to express that part of myself.    So is it that I'm not male on the inside or that I'm not letting myself be male?  I'm hoping it's the latter.  Lately I've gotten very uncomfortable wearing girls clothes and cringing when someone calls me m'am.  And it's wonderful when I'm called sir, it feels very validating.  But does that make me dysphoric?  ARgh.  This is so confusing.

[LordKAT]

I can agree with go slowly if you have doubts. It doesn't sound to me like you have as many doubts as your mother is giving you fear of following your own convictions. In the end,you have to live with yourself, so be true to yourself.



Dysphoria is hating your body parts that don't mesh. That goes even for androgynes. The sir and ma'am part , not so much I think. I feel that part is because you want to be accepted as you perceive yourself.


When you can talk to a gender therapist, I hope you will be able to sort it out and gain confidence in your own judgements of self.

[sneakersjay]

Normal to question things, normal for your mom to question things, also normal for parents and friends in general to not want you to mess with the status quo.

Talking with a good gender therapist can help.  There is no one right way to transition, and transition isn't for everyone.  Only YOU can decide what is right for you, and it helps to sort things out by talking with a neutral party who understands the issues.

Coming out is scary, transition and coming out is hugely scary, and everyone's experience is different.  There is no one right way to be.

Take your time and figure out who you are, and what you need to do to be YOURSELF.


Jay

[confused]

i totally get that feeling , i feel close to that , my original username is confused , but here's how i took my decision , i didn't care of hat others think , i thought.. this is a bad body for me , i have to change it , and that's that . i'm no therapist so i can't tell if it is dysphoria r not , i can't even tell if i have it or not without a therapist , my therapist is kinda like your current , have no experience about it at all , but basically , i know what i want , i know what's bothering me , i know how to change it , and i try my best.

so don't mind about your mom , just think about what you want and see , you might be male and you might be just tomboy girl , ony you can know

i hope i helped
good luck

[Farm Boy]

I don't really feel like a man or a woman, I just know that I hate being in a female body, it's very uncomfortable for me.

That's exactly how I feel.  I'm not sure whether I'm male but haven't allowed myself to feel that way, or if I'm just an androgyne who wants a male body.  I'm afraid that's not very helpful, just saying that you're not alone in feeling that way.

I agree, talking to a gender therapist should help, and maybe spending some time out as a male would too?  (If you already have, maybe you need more time?)  I wish you luck, and I hope you get everything figured out soon.

[jmaxley]

Thanks y'all.  I don't know if I'll be able to find a gender therapist in the area I'm moving to, but I will be looking.  I'm trying to get in touch with a nearby pflag group, no success with that yet.  When I move, I plan to change my nickname to something more gender neutral than my current girly nickname.  I'm keeping it gender neutral in case I don't pass.  I'm going to try living as male as much as possible (I'm already trying here but too many people know me).  I do plan to continue taking the DHEA that I'm taking now...it has raised my T levels (I had bloodwork done to see)--which I really like.  I'm actually proud of my body for turning it into T (even if the levels are still normal for a female, it's in the higher range now instead of the lower range).  That's an unusual feeling, being proud of the ol' bod.

The gender issues I have is also the one and only thing that has ever given me the motivation to eat better and exercise.  Which I really need, because I'm really really overweight.

I can't wait to get a new therapist.  The one I have now is nice, but knows nothing of gender issues.  For instance, from our last session:

Me:  I don't feel like a woman.
Her:  Do you like guys?
Me:  *nods*  I like guys...I guess that makes me gay, eh?
Her:  *in a consoling voice* No, you're still female.
Me: *mental head meet desk*

The one thing I do know for sure is that I'm not a woman.

And I think maybe I told my mom too soon about wanting to transition, maybe I should've waited until I had better therapy.  The reason I went ahead was because my mom has some health problems and I wanted to give her time to get used to the idea so it wouldn't be such a shock if/when I do transition (I've been dropping hints like crazy but she just wasn't picking up on them).  I do want to go on T at least a little while...but I'm really thinking once I go on it, I won't want to stop.

I'm kind of rambling here.  Right now I don't have anyone at all IRL to talk to that would understand even the slightest.  I'm just counting down the days now till I can move.  May is already being a very very long month.

[Erica L.]

Right now I don't have anyone at all IRL to talk to that would understand even the slightest.  I'm just counting down the days now till I can move.

This is 110% my biggest issue here. I just want someone that I can go to coffee with to talk about things. 

[LordKAT]

NO IRL people for me either.  Just one friend who sort of gets it.

[FairyGirl]

So is it that I'm not male on the inside or that I'm not letting myself be male?  I'm hoping it's the latter.

I think you answered your own question here. If that's what you're hoping, then that's what it is. It's kind of a paradox- If finding out you are not male on the inside would make you depressed then you're not male on the inside. Does that make sense? Just from reading your posts here you sound very much like you suffer from dysphoria, which any number of people here can tell you never goes away. If you can't find a competent gender therapist in your area I think there is at least one that offers services online. Best of luck to you in sorting this out, I know how difficult it is to deal with.

[jmaxley]

I think you answered your own question here. If that's what you're hoping, then that's what it is.

That's a good point.   

If I can't find a good therapist, I'll see about finding an online one.  Never heard of that before!