I've got to do SOMETHING. I'm nervous as hell now. So wigged because I wrote the simple thing down on my calender. That on Monday I'm going to the court house to get the name change thing started. Ugh. I've put that off for long enough. Everyone (for the most part) calls me my preferred name. I want it legal now. I want to stop saying my birth name in situations where I have to use my credit card. I want to stop being that... not me name when I get called at the doctor's office.
I can dress as a guy all I want and my husband is cool with that. I don't ask him to use male pronouns. We're still on the fence about the whole transitioning thing. Pretty much inevitable that he's not going to remain attracted to me once I start looking more like... myself. He's expressed some sort of fleeting attraction to men, but I don't think it's going to be enough to deal with this.
That's not the issue at the moment though. The issue is that I feel like I just need to do SOMETHING. I need anything to budge after three years of nothing moving. So the name thing it is, simply because I can at least do something about it and not piss anyone off, drive anyone away, or call even more attention to myself.
I know this won't solve all my problems, but it will at least give me something to be happy about. I know with that comes a hefty price though. After that is out of the way, what's the next hurdle I'm going to want to bash through?
This is pretty big for me though. I'm pretty much terrified of things like that. You know. Talking on the phone to people I don't know, going to official places, ordering at restaurants, really anything that requires me to talk. Weird though that I can dance in front of several hundred people and not bat an eye, but the moment I need to open my mouth I'm like... fighting the urge not to flee.
I suppose what I would like to know is: What was that one thing that you saw as the first thing you just NEEDED to do to get things moving in the more "you" direction. I don't know if anyone else even sees it that way. But when something has got to give, what is it that gave? What caused it to give? Was it a long time of inaction that just needed breaking out of? Silence that needed breaking? Coming out? If you were already out, what was your next step in getting something done?
If you don't have a thing but just feel like giving me a cyber pat on the head and telling me that the county clerk is NOT going to chew through my spine and make stew from my eyes, then that would be appreciated as well.
