came out to my mother, she had an interesting question...

[Byren]

Hello all,

I came out to my mother last week, and, overall, it went well. The day I told her she was very cool about it. I told her that being transgender was the reason I was seeing a therapist, and that I eventually wanted to go all the way and have surgery and all. She was a little disturbed by the latter, but only said that its something that I should think long and hard about.

The next day, she came back with an odd (to me) question. Part of how I'd explained my situation to her was that I wanted to get my body to match my brain and how I felt inside. She asked me if I had asked the therapist about getting my brain to match my body instead, to accept my 'born' gender. I was floored. I did not know how to respond, except to say no, I hadn't.

To me it's simple...why would I want to 'accept' the body I have? I have no desire whatsoever to be female, or be perceived as such. I just don't know how to explain that to her so she'll better understand where I'm coming from. I know she doesn't like the idea of grs...(she referred to it offhand as mutilating the body), but I really don't know what to say.

Anybody else run across this question?

Thanks,

~Kes

[Sarah Louise]

I find nothing at all "strange" about the question.  To me it is a good one.  You should feel comfortable with your decision and to do that you need to look at all possibilities.

I looked at that option many years ago and found it was impossible.

Sarah L.

[rexgsd]

well, kinda of like saying if a male wakes up in a female body one day (or vice versa) and you go up and say 'can't you just accept youre body now?' of course they wouldn't, they'd even go through all this surgery and such to 'go back' to what they really are. might as well ask that person that changed overnight the same question if shes going to ask you it.

[Little Dragon]

its something that I should think long and hard about.

FtM SRS? Think long and hard about it?  *is too dirty-minded for her own good*

She asked me if I had asked the therapist about getting my brain to match my body instead, to accept my 'born' gender. I was floored. I did not know how to respond, except to say no, I hadn't.

OMG This question has totally floored me too and caused me to briefly doubt my transitioning! >_< But then I remembered that my gender identity was a neurochemical thing in my mind which cannot be changed (much like homosexuality)

[Silver]

Answer: "I can't." Or possibly, "I've already tried that." A good number of us seem to have gone through some sort of denial period/overcompensation/living as natal gender period. And it doesn't seem to have solved anything. Only caused regret for putting it off.

Really, something strong enough to cause you to deny a perfectly good body and "normal life" after being raised in your "appropriate gender role" has to be pretty powerful.

Yeah, I have come across it. But I can't be happy as a female, at least not anymore if I ever was. It just doesn't work for me.

[cynthialee]

They would rather us to rewire our brains and cease to be 'us' rather than let us fix the body.
It is maddness that anyone should be required to be brain fried or brain washed just for the comfort of the cisgender transphobes...

[childofwinter]

There's a reason why the brain is so powerful, why it is considered a natural computer and why it's the last thing to shut down at death - it carries inside it the very identity of a human, the dreams and memories of a person, the aspirations and regrets of a man or woman. You cannot make your brain conform to your body, only the other way is possible.

[sneakersjay]

It is a good question.

But if that worked, it sure would be easier!  But it doesn't.

Being trans isn't a mental issue.  Otherwise, why would hormones and surgery cure the problem?  Surgery and hormones aren't the answer for psychological problems.

Jay

[cynthialee]

Being trans isn't a mental issue.  Otherwise, why would hormones and surgery cure the problem?  Surgery and hormones aren't the answer for psychological problems. Jay

Quoted for truth.
This was one of the deciding factors for me to be ok with transition. The success rate of transition is rather impressive.

[placeholdername]

In my experience, "something that I should think long and hard about" is parent-talk for: "I/We think you've gone a little cuckoo and are hoping you'll find some sense before doing something stupid like what you're suggesting".

Could just be me though...

[Silver]

In my experience, "something that I should think long and hard about" is parent-talk for: "I/We think you've gone a little cuckoo and are hoping you'll find some sense before doing something stupid like what you're suggesting".

Could just be me though...

Agree. Does not sound promising.

[brainiac]

Your brain is part of your body. Mental problems ARE physical problems.

What you can change in the brain has limitations, just like the rest of your body. Some things you can affect in a top-down way, using your thoughts to change lower-level processing (which is exactly what placebos and cognitive-behavioral therapy do-- and their effects are REAL), and some things you simply cannot.

Gender identity is one of the latter. It is deeply entrenched, and trying to "think" your gender different is just like trying to convince your brain you have a third arm.

[BunnyBee]

If it were possible, many trans peeps (including me) would have at least seriously considered changing their brain to match their body instead of vice versa, but it isn't possible so that's kind of where the question stops.  You can try to learn to live with dysphoria and some people claim some success with that, though such claims rarely hold much longterm legitimacy.

The question isn't that unusual, btw.  I think everybody asked me that one, lol.

[Silver]

Gender identity is one of the latter. It is deeply entrenched, and trying to "think" your gender different is just like trying to convince your brain you have a third arm.

I like this comparison, seems pretty accurate to me.

[Byren]

FtM SRS? Think long and hard about it?  *is too dirty-minded for her own good*

Lol...I didn't even notice that!! Hehe...if only she knew....

*ahem*, anyway, thank you all for your responses so far. You've put into words what I seem unable to. My mind literally went blank when she asked me that, and it was only later that I started thinking about it. Truthfully, what she was asking me to do is what I've spent far too much of my life doing...trying to be something I'm not. I've tried to behave as feminine as I can stand over the years (which isn't very much), but it's always been because of expectations. None of it stuck, or ever felt right. Square peg, round hole, an' all.

At this point in my life, I cannot even consider trying to have 'reparitive therapy.' I already know it wouldn't work, and to be honest, I wouldn't WANT it to. Why would I purposely try to change myself into something I've no desire to be?

I'm a guy, and I want to be a guy...I just want the body to match.

In my experience, "something that I should think long and hard about" is parent-talk for: "I/We think you've gone a little cuckoo and are hoping you'll find some sense before doing something stupid like what you're suggesting".

Could just be me though...

I think there's hope. My mother just has very, very little experience with LGBT issues in general. 'Chaz' is the only trangender person she knows of, and though I wouldn't personally pick him as a trans-spokesperson, if it helps me to explain things, I won't protest!  😉 She is hesitant, but not discriminatory, and seems willing enough to learn or listen at least. I had to explain to her the difference between sexual identity and sexual preference. I think, in time, she'll be ok with it, once she understands what it all means.

[kyril]

My answer: "What you're asking is if I've considered trying to turn into a completely different person. I can't do that, and I wouldn't want to. And I don't think you would want me to, either, because the person I would become would not be your child whom you know and love. She would be a stranger whose deepest personality attributes, likes, dislikes, thinking patterns, and ways of perceiving the world would be alien to me and completely unfamiliar to you. Even if changing my brain to match my body were possible, it would be like killing myself and handing my body over to a stranger.

What I want to do is change my body and transition socially so that my body and social role match who I am and have always been. When I change my body, I will still be myself, but I will be happier; I will fit."

[justmeinoz]

It sounds like your mother is making the same mistake a lot of people make, and that  is confusing the mind and the brain.  It has been said that the mind is what the brain does when it is at work.

I have heard a description something along the following lines.

The problem is that the brain is wired to produce an image of yourself that is at odds with the body.  This happens between the 12th and 16th week ( not sure, may be 14th  and 16th) of gestation, as an embryo. This is irreversible.

The conflict that results in the mind is the problem. This takes the form of depression, anxiety and all the rest, up to suicide at worst.

There is no way at present, or likely to be for the forseeable future, to alter the brain.  The only answer that has been found to work is to alter the body to something that the brain,and the mind, agree is a match. Working on the mind,as such, doesn't work as the brain and the body still don't match.

[Renate]

Your mother does have a valid question: "Wouldn't it just be easier to change your mind?"
Of course it would.
That is, if you could.

Offer to make her dinner one night.
Serve it on dirty plates with gunk sticking to them.
Tell her that you decided that it would just be easier to imagine the plates clean than to actually clean them.
Maybe then she could imagine the level of repugnance sometimes with GID.

[Jamie-o]

My answer: "What you're asking is if I've considered trying to turn into a completely different person. I can't do that, and I wouldn't want to. And I don't think you would want me to, either, because the person I would become would not be your child whom you know and love. She would be a stranger whose deepest personality attributes, likes, dislikes, thinking patterns, and ways of perceiving the world would be alien to me and completely unfamiliar to you. Even if changing my brain to match my body were possible, it would be like killing myself and handing my body over to a stranger.

What I want to do is change my body and transition socially so that my body and social role match who I am and have always been. When I change my body, I will still be myself, but I will be happier; I will fit."

Very nicely put.  I'm copying this for future reference.