Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with her?

[aydan_boy]

"We're not going to prance around, pretending that your a boy. Its not going to happen"
I hate my bitch mother. It doesn't sound much in writing, but it stings in words. Cuz in a way, its the truth. I hate my family (exception Uncle), and sometimes they hate me, and not just because I'm a "->-bleeped-<-", just because i am me.
I feel like ->-bleeped-<-, cuz i know the only reason i still stick with them, why i haven't attempted to run off again, is because i don't have enough money to get anywhere in life by myself. I hate to rant, I hate to say what I'm feeling, but if i don't i'll blow up again. Depressed, ADD, Anorexic, Transexual, and Failing in school. My mum says I'm headed for the streets, something that i despise her for saying, cuz once again, it may be the truth. I've done everything to change for her. I dressed the way she wanted me to for the first 12 years of my life, i kept my hair long because of her (until now...must break free!!), i've stopped all forms of cutting, my only way of venting my anger, I've been a straight A student to impress her until now, and now, when i feel this way, lost, lonely, she attacks me for not being the way i've pretended to be for so long. Sorry for the rant. I know how annoying these can be to some peoples.

[Nicky]

That really sucks Aydan_boy.

Things can be so hard sometimes. She is angry at things not working out the way she dreamed, and you are suffering. Perhaps you could tell her how scared you are that she might be saying the truth. I dunno. You're not in the best place right now, she sounds like she is not in a good frame of mind either. Sometimes it is hard to really communicate when things get that way. If you can get a person to mediate maybe you can sort things out. At least make things more bareable.

Have you created an excape plan? Seems to me you need qualificaitons and a job. It might be a good idea to get a handle on support available if you do end up homeless - get an idea of the local shelters, ask your uncle if they could take you in etc... Just in case.

I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you have it tough right now.

[hkgurl1480]

Hi Aydan

You talk about ADD, anorexia, GID and depression.  Do you have a therapist?  If not maybe you could ask your mother if you could go to one so you can sort through these issues. This might help to prevent you ending up on the streets.  Maybe then the therapist could mediate any discussion with your mother on these issues.  It may also show her that these issues are very real for you and could really badly affect your future quality of life.

Good luck and take care.

Shelly

[aydan_boy]

Thanks for the advice/ideas.
Oh man, I'd love to live with me Uncle...sadly he's a single 40 year old dude who lives in his best buds basement. A job? I'm not even old enough for one thats out of the fast food industry... I have a therapist, but she's convinced that every single moment spent in her office has to be about school, and why i'm doing so badly. Is it the ADD? Is your inability of doing work due to being depressed? When i respond that its all cuz of GID, and my *ucked up puberty, she tells me that all kids my age have a tough time with growing up, that its normal. I'm pissed at her, she can't even understand the fact that what i'm feeling about "growing up" is everything but normal. Other girls my age are happy to finally get hips, and stuff. I'm terrified. I do plan on stopping our appointments as soon as i move though. Maybe the move will make things better....cuz it can't get worse i hope. 

[uni]

Why not get another therapist? Obviously the one you have is not helping. It takes a while for anyone to find a therapist thats a good match. Your mom sounds like my mom. As long as I do exactly as she says she is fine but when I be myself, she acts like her opinions are FACT. And when you live under her household, you have no rights and she is always right. Don't run away, your problems will stay with you. The better you do with school and your health, the less stupid comments your mom will make about the way you dress. She probably thinks your problems are a result from they way you dress, but if you make progress, she wont have a reason to make assumptions based on your gender.

[tekla]

'm not even old enough for one thats out of the fast food industry.

Then the fast food industry it is then.  You get the job you can get, not always the one you want.  If you don't do that, then you will always be at the mercy (and you're going to find, as a guy, very little mercy) of those who pay your bills.

[aydan_boy]

I'm moving soon, and planning on looking for a therapist more focused in the area of transgender stuff, cuz thats my big problemo troubling me at the moment. School is everything to my mum, which is a real bitch, cuz the only classes i have any skill in are art and english (but only when its about shakespearean related stuff). Thanks Uni, i was thinking the same thing, and planning on upping my grades as soon as i move. Right now im already too far in the pit of failure to up my grades  Theres always next year.

'm not even old enough for one thats out of the fast food industry.

Then the fast food industry it is then.  You get the job you can get, not always the one you want.  If you don't do that, then you will always be at the mercy (and you're going to find, as a guy, very little mercy) of those who pay your bills.

What a depressing thought. But I guess its a good reason to start looking for a job as soon as possible. The sooner i get one, the sooner i can start to inch my way out of her claws 

[sarahm]

Aydan_boy,

Feel free to send them my way! Send them to this article, it has some really interesting facts, and statistics, if this doesn't open their eyes, then nothing will.
http://sarahspublicdiary.com/2010/05/were-just-like-you-and-here-to-stay/

[aydan_boy]

Merci! I've bookmarked the site, and find it quite useful!